Why are tigers said to be religious? Because they frequently prey with all their family members.

What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
Because it can't sit down!

I have so mushroom in my heart for you.

Why didn’t the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster? Because he was a common-tater.

Vampires make awful businessmen. They just can't deal with the stakeholders.

What is a dog’s favorite instrument?
A trom-bone

I went to the backyard this morning and saw a bird of prey drinking a pumpkin spice latte.
It was a millennial falcon.

What do you call heels on ski boots?
Ski lifts.

Why is England the wettest country? Because the queen has reigned there for years!

Have you ever had a dream about a bear eating you?
I call them bite-mares.

What is the worst advice a coach could ever give to a nude volleyball team? Play hard.

I really liked learning about displacement in Physics.
It's pretty straight to the point.

Why did the cat keep meow-ing? It didn’t want to be fur-gotten.

What do you call an italian mosquito?
Malario.

Sheena leads, Sheila needs.

I'm so glad our Billy inherited his mother's intelligence
...and I got to keep mine.

Fat man sees small door,
he knows he cannot fit through,
tears flow free now.

"Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs." - Charles Dickens

A blond was taking helicopter lessons.
The instructor said, "I'll radio you every 1000 feet to see how you're doing."
At 1000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great.
At 2000 feet, he said she was still doing well.
Right before she got to 3000 feet, the propeller stopped, and she twirled to the ground.
The instructor ran to where she crash landed and pulled her out of the helicopter. "What went wrong?"
The blond said, "At 2500 feet, I started to get cold, so I turned the big fan off."

Heard about the beaver who can split huge logs with his eyes? Yes, he just saw the logs, and they broke into two.

Why did the artist have to go to the bathroom right away? Because when you gotta Van Gogh, you gotta Van Gogh.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Double
Double who?
W!

Girl, if we were lymphocytes, you’d be a natural killer.

I can’t believe that during the attempted murder, John Crow, Russel Crow and Sheryl Crow were all in the room.

I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?

I'll feel more comfortable sleeping at night once I have your number.

I feel thankful for having you as my gym buddy and lover.
Our relationship is really working out.

Even though Jake was a heartthrob Casanova, he just had to break up with his long-time watermelon vending girlfriend; said she was always melondramatic about everything.

What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.

What did the horse reply when asked if it can jump 3 feet?
“I lope so!”

What holds the moon up?

Moonbeams!

I only have ice for you!

Why aren’t trees competitive sports fans? They like to root for everyone.

Why was the mosquito sad on christmas?
It was a bah hum bug.

"Room service? Send up a larger room."

“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”
Tina Fey

Why did the scientist use a drink container to communicate with dolphins?
Because a bottle knows dolphin.

What steps do you take when you see a tiger running towards you? Big ones!

The se* was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

I always love pressing F5 on my keyboard.
It's so refreshing.

How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.
Abraham Lincoln

I had fresh coconut the last time I went to Hawaii. It’s a tough nut to crack.

We’ve all heard of the mushroom who gets invited to the party cause he’s a fungi, but what about the mushroom who stole all the halloween candy?
He had no morrels.

I finally found out why flamingos sleep with one leg up! If they had both legs up they would fall over.

“Behind every successful woman is a best friend giving her crazy ideas.”
— Unknown

Of all the best pieces of wolf advice, this is my favorite, “stand fur what you believe”

Q. What do you get if you cross a deer with an Aussie Joey?
A. A buck-er-roo.

Where do you most often find onions having a drink? In the salad bar.

I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.

Are you the future? Because you're looking hopeless and bleak.