"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones

I am a chemist. Want to get together and see the reaction?

Someone told me I looked like a salt shaker. I took it as a condiment.

How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.

According to the multiverse theory, there’s at least one universe where we end up together. Do you want this universe to be one of them?

How do you make a hormone? You don't pay her.

If you are wondering about a peach's favorite game, it's peach ball.

What do you call a troll that’s in charge?
In control.

What do you call a polyarmourus deceased gorilla?
Harembe.

I'm no Jane, but I'd Eyre on the side of saying I think you're beautiful.

If I had $10 for every virus on my computer, I could buy a new computer.

It's not that I don't want to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen

May the mass times acceleration be with you.

Call me on the shellphone.

Who needs a sled when you can just ride me?

If I said you had a gorgeous shell would you hold it against me?

It's been a while since I heard jokes about people sitting on wet morning grass.
They're over dew.

What is a seals favorite subject?
Art Art Art Art!

Teacher: What are the seasons? Student: Salt, pepper, ginger...

What do you call the basketball move where you drink too much alcohol and score?
SlamDrunk!

What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic

How do you get into the mush-room? Ring the porta-bella.

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."

Why did the clown cross the road?
To retrieve his rubber chicken.

Why are geologists great dates?
They can make your bedrock.

What did the gorilla wear when he was cooking in the kitchen?
An ape-ron

What do you call a mouse that doesn’t eat, drink, or even walk?
A computer mouse.

What does a priest put on his salad?
Lettuce spray.

My love, you are the yin to my yang,
You’re the ice to my cream,
You are the pop to my corn,
You’re the day to my dream.
You are the honey to my bee,
You’re the sugar to my spice,
You are the sweet to my heart,
You’re the white to my rice.
Oh shoot, I’m so sorry!
I forgot you switched to a brown rice, low-carb, sugar-free diet!

Want to practice speaking in tongues with me?

Ringo, John snd George walked into an electric guitar shop...
They were less Paul.

Why don't dinosaurs ever forget? Because no one ever tells them anything!

When one is Russian for industrialization, there is no time for Stalin.

Why don't bananas snore?
Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.

The yearbook superlative that Robert Lee had given in his graduation was "Most likely to secede."

A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Hey baby, I just found out our shirts were manufactured in unfair working conditions; let's take them off.

Where did the bull carry his stock-market report?
In his beef case

What do you call a carnival worker who’s eating a turkey leg?
A carnie-vor.

What is the perfect day to go to the beach?
Sun-day!

When I took a break from having soup, my mom said "Carry on, why did you stoup?"

How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days?
Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.

Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.

What do vets call a paralyzed squirrel? A busted nut.

Mother doesn’t want a dog.
Mother says they smell,
And never sit when you say sit,
Or even when you yell.
When you come home late at night
And there is ice and snow,
You have to go back ou because
The dumb dog has to go.
Mother doesn’t wat a dog.
Mother says they shed,
And always let the strangers in
And bark at friends instead
They do disgraceful things on rugs,
And track mud on the floor,
And flop upon your bed at night
And snore their doggy snore.
Mother doesn’t want a dog.
She’s making a mistake.
Because, more than a dog, I think
She will not want this snake.

(Judith Viorst)

It's a-boat time we took a vacation!

I visited my new friend in his flat.
He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out.
I hate having visitors.

Though my brother won the art competition, he went up to his rival and gave him the credit where it was hue!

There’s an old oak near my house that’s always surrounded by fog.

I don’t know why, it’s a mist tree.

What is yellow and goes bzzzzzz? An electric banana.