“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
George Carlin
What did the conifer say when he finally got alone with his crush? It’s just yew and me, baby.
“Let’s face it, I only practice yoga because the classes are always packed with beautiful women.” — Adam Levine
From one vegan to another – I think you’re fern-tastic, and I’ll never leaf you baby.
Where do you put nectarines when you want to freeze them? Inside the peach-zer.
My friend said, "I bought a parrot for my son that has red and blue feathers."
I said, "Your son must look very strange."
My wife is mad at me because I took a dump on the roof...
How can I wipe the slate clean?
I was reading the book of numbers yesterday, and I realized I don’t have yours.
They say that Disney World is "the happiest place on earth".
They've obviously never been in your arms.
What's the hardest tea to swallow?
Reality.
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
I’ve never seen stars as beautiful as your eyes.
We've all heard about elf on a shelf, but have you ever heard of troll on a poll?
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
In the old times, the medieval kings and queens would only visit the dentist just before their coronation. This is because they wanted their teeth crowned!
What was one raindrop overheard saying to another? Two's company, three's a cloud.
Paddy like a rockstar.
What do you call a very religious person that sleep walks? a Roman Catholic
I hate worms and snakes because they have no feet.
You might say that I am lacktoes intolerant.
How do you call football without shoes?
Socker.
I for one
is something you might do if you had a broken keyboard
How can you tell if you're at a classy Viking restaurant?
They have Valhallet parking
Well well, you’ve John and got my attention for sure
I'm having mixed feelings about being a Michael Jackson impersonator.
On one hand, you get to wear a cool white glove.
On the other hand, you don't.
"Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults."
– Mitch Hedberg
What do you call a witch's spotless garage?
A broom closet.
What type of sandals do frogs wear?
Open-toad!
I thought I'd have some evaporated milk on my pudding. But when I opened it, it was empty.
What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?
IT’S A LIEEEEE!!
Grammar Nazis for math should be called Fibbonazis.
My flamingo friends are always making me pay for dinner. I find that they can be real cheepskates.
On my farm, an entire lot of onions had some allergic reactions that broke out in chives!
Will Ferell
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!
I’d like to tell a joke about salt but then said to myself: "Na."
What does a bowler and a Thanksgiving guest have in common?
They both want a Turkey.
If you happen to knock down all the pins, don’t be overly excited. Spare us the details.
What does Santa often say to Mrs Claus? Come and look at the rain-dear.
I had a girlfriend that went scuba diving...
One day I lobster and never flounder again.
How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
Finding Bigfoot will be no small feat.
Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back?
He was dead lifting.
An owner of a pizza shop has just been found dead covered with pineapple, ham, mushrooms, and pepperoni. Word is that he topped himself.
What is a basketball players favorite kind of cheese? Swish cheese!
Why don't quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage? Because they produce audible groans!
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
What kind of chocolate do they sell at the airport? Plane Chocolate!