At the Italian restaurant, the ghoul ordered spook-ghetti for his main course.
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
When is a pumpkin not a pumpkin? When you drop it; then it's squash!
I find bone puns very
Humerus.
Never take a flamingo to the local swimming baths. They really don’t like claw-rine.
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
Dr. Frankenstein just placed an order on Amazon.
It wasn't expensive, but I imagine the shipping cost him an arm and a leg.
You’re udder-ly perfect.
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
Hey girl, are you the sun? Because you’re the center of my universe.
I think we Anthon-eed to get to know each other soon
"There’s nothing more tedious than seeing how a person shows his intellect, especially if there isn’t any."
- Erich Maria Remarque
Where do bananas go to learn to be sweet?
Sundae School.
What do llamas say when you tell them something obvious?
“No spit, Sherlock.”
What did the bottled water tell the spy?
The names bond, Hydrogen bond.
Why don’t pigs eat cake? Because they’re morally opposed to bacon.
“Yes officer I did see the speed limit sign, I just didn’t see you.”
A person who only loves himself and waffles in the entire world is an Eggomaniac.
I thought the play was frightful but I saw it under particularly unfortunate circumstances - the curtain was up.
She saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure she saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa?
Even the heaviest chandelier is pretty light.
What do you call a ruler of Egypt that hunts whales with a folding bed?
Futon Harpoon
What did the math teach rate the movie American Pie?
3.14
How much pot, could a pot roast roast, if a pot roast could roast pot.
All I want is to fill that vacuum in your heart.
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
What do you call an overweight alien?
An extra cholesterol.
How do monsters like their eggs?
Terri-fried.
How did the calf’s final exam turn out?
Grade A.
What do you call a person who starts their own cow poop business?
An entre-manure.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so too.
What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?
"Have you bean stalking me?"
What do you call a fat pumpkin?
A plumpkin!
What did the turkey say to the computer? "Google, google, google!"
How do you apologize to a sloth? BEAR your heart and soul.
Why don’t chickens wear pants?
Their peckers are on their face.
Your good weed for the day.
Doofus was the stupidest of Roman generals.
Who was King Arthur's alcoholic knight?
Sir Ohsis of the Liver
What do you get when you cross a vampire with an ice cube?
You end up with frost bite.
What do you call leftover aliens? Extra Terrestrials.
For Halloween I'm going to dress as a donkey with a kilt
I'm going to be an ascot
Where do snowmen keep their money? In snow banks.
I saw a saw that could out saw any saw I ever saw saw. If you happen to see a saw that can out saw the saw I saw saw I'd like to see the saw you saw saw.
How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
I cannoli be happy
Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
To get to the second-hand shop.
We should make like the Soviet Union and split up.
What did the car call his new band?
Back Seat Boys.