What do fruit bowls say when they dress up as a ghost on Halloween? Be cherry afraid!
What does a lady in a mall do with a cheesey credit card? Go on a shopping brie.
After bidding farewell to my neurosurgeon friend, we promised that we would grey in touch!
What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
What do two tomatoes do after not seeing each other for a long period of time?
They ketchup.
What do you call it when a musical group provides assistance?
Band aid.
Why did Dracula take cold medicine in winter? To stop his coffin.
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
What’s Irish and comes out in the spring?
Paddy O’Furniture.
When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris.
I'll be kicking myself if I don't get to know you better.
Wife: why do dad's have the worst jokes?
Me: It's a rule, dads have to have cringy jokes
Wife: Who makes those rules?
Me: The Dad Poet Society
Wife: (Groan)
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
Are you the end of the pool? Because baby, I’d do anything to reach you.
What happened to the renegade donuts?
They went down in a glaze of glory.
Which HOF defenceman was nicknamed The Gravedigger? Denis Plotvin.
What did the vampire say to the vampire hunter that missed his heart.
Well wasnt that an unfortunate missed-stake.
Why did the hawk sit on the church’s steeple?
It was a bird of pray.
Where do pigs keep their money? Why in the piggy bank, of course.
"I never eat November’s snowflakes, I always wait until December.” – Lucy from television show Peanuts
Why did Van Gogh become a painter? Because he just didn't have an ear for music.
I guess I’m going to France
Because I have nothing Toulouse.
You don't like the outdoors? Unbe-leaf-able.
I'm no Jane, but I'd Eyre on the side of saying I think you're beautiful.
[Bundled Up Guy] This is what you call man coverage.
How should you greet a Ghost? - Long time, no see.
Cherries are actually great at a lot of different sports. Their favorite one, in case you were wondering, is archerry.
Thanks to you, I’m saddled with unnecessary peelings.
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
What do the laws of physics and the president of Russia have in common?
You can't choose them.
I once saw a guy burn to death after nutting
“He cumbusted”
After the rain has cleared and the sun comes out, rainbows are so quick to appear they'll red like wildfire.
"In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order." - Robert Brault
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
What did the bat say to the diabetic? Nice knawing you!
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
I hope you know CPR, baby because you take my breath away.
Why do cherry trees smell?
Because George Washington cut one.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
How much does it cost to fly Santa’s sleigh?
About 9 bucks.
What's a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?
What is a skeleton’s favorite type of film to watch?
A spine-tingler.
Me: "Siri, why am I alone?"
Siri: *opens front facing camera*
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
Can I slip one past your goalie?
What type of dog would be the best at portraying Tina Turner?
An Angela Bassett Hound.
Yet again, someone has added more soil to my allotment. The plot thickens…
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park. But in the end, it doesn't even matter.
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.