What did the laser weapon say to the atom bomb?
"OK boomer."

What did the rock say to the word processor?
Boulder.

Why did the optimistic electrician lose his job?
He kept on turning negatives into positives.

I think we may have been transported to the surface of Mercury because things became unbelievably hot when you walked into the room.

The scariest day of my life was when we ran into a bear taking a dump inside our campsite.
That sh** was in

"Joker Grandpa"

Always finds a way, to make fun of my folks,
He is hilarious, with plenty of jokes.
A true expert, on many pranks,
For making us laugh; a little thanks.

At the dinner table, he’s rarely serious,
His tricks are cool and quite mysterious.
I’m not saying that he knows magic,
Some of his stunts are lame and tragic.

Grandpa knows how to pull your strings,
A cheerful guy, that constantly sings.
Never know, what he’ll come up with next,
Our joker grandpa, fun and perplex.

Where do pepperonis go on vacation?
The Leaning Tower of Pizza.

Why was the guy looking for fast food on his friend? Because his friend said dinner is on me.

What do you get if you cross a worm and an elephant? Very big worm holes in your garden.

Oh gosh gal your eyes look like falling stars.

My wife was a bit down so I decided to redecorate our living room.
Thought it would chair her up but sofa she haven't even noticed

Why does the skeleton wear skinny jeans?
Because it’s got a marrow waistline.

“Last Thanksgiving, I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?” —Kenny Rogerson

I never count my chickens before they're hatched.
Because they're eggs.

Why wasn't the taxidermist invited to Thanksgiving dinner?
No one wanted to try his stuffing

What is a Greek dog’s favorite dessert?
Barklava!

How does the Easter Bunny stay healthy? Eggsercise, particularly hareobics!

What’s a Movers favorite football team?
The Packers!

Why does your grandma like wine so much?
Because at her age, she needs glasses!

How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.

Woah! You look like I need a drink.

A truck carrying Lego got into an accident on the motorway. No one knows what happened; the authorities are still trying to piece everything together.

"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain

Two fruit flies are out for dinner.
I'm really enjoy this date...”
“Yeah, but it’s only half rotten.”

You are one candle closer to starting a house fire.

Hi, my name is Will. God's Will.

Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.

Last winter was so cold, I couldn’t stop telling my wife how much I glove her.

“I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it.”
- Edith Sitwell

What happened when the turkey got into a fight?

He got the stuffing knocked out of him!

I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge

Are you a New Years resolution? Because we stopped working out after the first two weeks

There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.

Did you hear about the croc calling the frog? He just croc-o-dialled.

What kind of car does an otter drive? A Furrari.

Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thick, say it quick!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thicker, say it quicker!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Don't eat with your mouth full!

Why didn't the corn chip advocate wear shoes?
They believed in Fritos.

Where do criminal unicorns sentenced to death go? They go on corn row.

"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."

If you see a wasp, don't kill it. Let it bee.

Black ice isn't the only thing I'm falling for.

Treat yo'elf.

Man: "Voulez-vous vous coucher avec moi ce soir?" (Would you like to go to bed with me tonight?)
Woman: "Je voudrais bien, mais je n'ai rien a porter." (I would love to, but I have nothing to wear.)

My wife treats me like a God – every evening at dinner I get a burnt offering.

Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.

Why did the troll fall back with his army?
He didn't want to be ogre-run by the enemy.

If snowmen can’t ride bicycles, tricycles, or unicycles, what can they ride?
Icicles!

“Look out for Santa Paws!”

Wanna dance? I can really put your inertia in motion.

Help me score one more time for team Canada?