Well, you have to hand it to relay runners, don't you?
What did the witness say at the gnome trial? In my gnome words here’s what happened.
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights
What did the artist tell his greatest nemesis? I challenge you to a doodle!
Mom was a milk maid and dad worked the meat grinder at the local butcher. When they got married they took their vows very seriously.
They really meant it was for butter or for wurst.
You're hotter than the London Underground during rush hour.
I was just telling my friend Michael Rains about my unfortunate allergy to my home-grown barley.
My grains give me migraines, Mike Rains.
Onions have had a long process in the evolutionary chain. They have evolved into today's onions from onionderthals.
What do you call the Tooth Fairy in a lamp?
A Hygenie.
I’d be Carol-ying if I said you weren’t absolutely stunning.
You ever heard the Stormtrooper band?
Probably not, they've never had a hit.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Gosh, don’t cry it’s just a knock knock joke.
What do cows do when they’re introduced?
They give each other a milk shake.
Did you hear about the frozen dessert whose wife had a baby?
Now he’s a popsicle.
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.
Winston Churchill
Why did the blood sucking insect learn Latin?
It wanted to be a Roman-tic
What is it called when a tree has back problems?
ScoliOAKsis
Don’t ever trust a leper-con!
When is the worst time to have a heart attack?
During a game of charades.
Why do blind people hate diving?
It scares the hell out of their dogs.
“When I say I won’t tell anyone, my best friend doesn’t count.”
— Unknown
They say that she only paints night scenes. Other artists really pale by comparison.
Why is Cinderella bad at football?
Because she’s always running away from the ball.
What type of motorcycle do London Plane trees like to ride? Treeumph.
What did one horse say to the other after he said he wanted to drop out?
That’s an equestionable decision.
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
I don't usually brag about my drum jokes but um...
tss
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
It's getting hard to zinc of new science puns because so many of them argon.
What do rabbits like to sing? “Every bunny was kung fu fighting.”
I'm fascinated by water's gas form.
It mist-ifies me.
Why is Pegasus so smart?
He’s all kno-wing.
Got any raisins? No? Then how about a date?
Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich. -- Napoleon
What do you call a werewolf who cuts down trees?
A timber wolf.
"You'd better be a cardiologist because something about you makes me want to give you my heart."
- Grey's Anatomy
What do call a cactus which is shaped like a penis
Dildon’t.
“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous
What blood type does a pessimist have?
B Negative
Do you know what they say about hockey players? They can always find the opening!
Following a recipe, says I need: pears, five cubed. 125 sounds like a lot of pears for a pie…
Sometimes a pea starts acting like a diva. We call them a pea-Madonna.
Footballers love one specific type of tea; penal-tea.
It’s so hot firecrackers light themselves.
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
What do you call a crimson-colored fish wearing a hat?
A red herring...
What do you call a hairy beast that no longer exists?
A were-wolf!
Sherlock Holmes enters a room carrying a box of lemons
"Where'd you get those?" asks Watson.
"A lemon tree, my dear Watson. A lemon tree."
Did you hear they are not making yardsticks any longer?
They’re not making them any shorter either.
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.