What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
What do you call a tree with no tinsel, baubles, or topping?
A tree.
“The household cat is really a tiger that has underwent three counselling programs.”
- Valeriu Butulescu.
What happens if you break the brain scanner?
It’s so hot I’m sweating like a politician on election day.
What is the best thing to do if you notice a gorilla is sitting at your desk?
Find another place to sit.
What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?
Amazon kindle.
We get fed up of long car journeys...
...meanwhile, truck drivers get fed ex.
Why couldn't the mathematician cross the road?
Because he kept trying to half the distance.
To begin to toboggan first buy a toboggan, but don’t buy too big a toboggan. Too big a toboggan is too big a toboggan to buy to begin to toboggan.
Where did the Terminator find extra olive oil??
Aisle B, back.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
Q. What do gorillas and big apes do to make each other laugh?
A. They tell punny jokes about humans!
What do you get if you cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle neck jumper.
Why did Neil Armstrong pee right after he made his first step on the moon?
He wanted to go where no man had gone before.
At a meeting, Mr. Tomato asked Mr. Peach, "Can you give me the peach cobbler's number, I need to mend my shoes".
The owner of the inside inn was inside his inside inn with his inside outside his inside inn.
What style of classical music do sheep most enjoy?
Baa-roque
Which bus went from Spain to America?
Columbus
“Unfortunately, I did not become a millionaire over the weekend, so I have to return to work on Monday.”
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
What does Avogadro put in his hot chocolate?
Marsh-mole-ows
If you were a burger at McDonald's, you'd be named McStunning.
On a keyboard, nothing is under control.
Some people stand up off the toilet before they flush, but I don’t
I don’t want to see that sh**!
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
“Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.” - Taylor Meade
My family and I like to sleep during the day.
They are my napkin.
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
Why didn't the conductor know what to do when he found that his train was missing?
He wasn't trained for this.
Julius Caesar ordered pizza for the senate at Theatre of Pompey
Casca: How could you not order enough pizza for everyone?
Julius: But there was enough for everybody to have a slice...
Brutus: I ate 2 slices.
Julius: ATE TWO, BRUTE?
Crows prefer carrion, so their bags are never checked at the airport.
Why can you tell that Theresa May failed physics?
She had power and time but didn't get the work done.
You really flipturn me on.
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
A man is wanted for stealing tires off of cop cars.
Police are working tirelessly to catch him.
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
What do you get when you kiss a diseased bird?
Cherpies, but don't worry.
It's tweetable.
Where do connoisseurs lock up their best bottles?
In a wine cabernet.
"Private! I didn't see you at camouflage practice today!"
"Thank you sir!"
Did you hear about the birds of prey who opened up a resort?
It was for owl seasons.
Peas excuse how bad this pun is.
The First World War ended very quickly because they were Russian.
What happens if a cashew falls down your shirt?
It becomes a chestnut.
The public investigated a box full of crows because it was a murder case.
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
How many elves does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten! One to change the light bulb and nine to stand on each other's shoulders!
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"