You’re like the perfect audition piece: rare, beautiful, and extremely worth it.
What kind of person would sell someone a sham-rock?
A lepre-con!
What kind of test do chemistry students like best?
Mole-tiple choice
I got in a fight with a crab yesterday.
When I punched him he ran, goon.
My friend exports the lilikoi fruit...
He says it’s his passion.
What do you call a group of brains who form a singing group at school?
A glia club.
The next door beaver couple got arrested for illegal streaming.
There was an Old Person of Cheadle,
Who was put in the stocks by the beadle
For stealing some pigs,
Some coats, and some wigs,
That horrible person of Cheadle.
Why was the crow upset about his job? The HR fired the crow with no caws.
I visited my new friend in his flat.
He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out.
I hate having visitors.
What did the ghost knights say to the cloud king?
Our souls will rain forever.
"I'm nuts about you."
Do those legs go all the way? Because you should use them to go away.
When I said "God, Thank you for this delicious noodle soup", my dad said "Ramen".
You love dogs. I love dogs. I think we may just be the paw-fect match.
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
"To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable." - Oscar Wilde
What did the salt say when the phosphate asked to bond with it?
"NaCl ater."
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm's never glum,
'cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum?
(Taylor Russell)
I’m going green, if you know what I mean.
What do you call a seamstress that snuck aboard a ship?
A sew-away!
What's an albino crow called? A caw-casian.
Never trust math teachers who use graph paper.
They're *always* plotting something.
He ordered 6 vodkas, 6 beers and 6 lemonades. The bartender asked if he would like a tray.
"No I have enough to carry as it is."
When the wolf stood on the grape, the latter said nothing but let out a little bit of a wine.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum
Why was the software engineer bankrupt? He’d used all his cache.
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
Browsing my feed
I’m delighted to see
your new girlfriend is
the ugly version of me.
(Samantha Jayne)
It is really rare to find the most perfectly cooked steak.
I like you very mulch. I think about you every daisy.
Wanna churn butter with me?
Love the beach. Can I be any more Pacific?
Why does the jellybean go to school? Because he wants to become a smartie.
Cherries go all out when they go to festivals. You’ll probably see loads of them, running around in pie-dyed shirts.
"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns
Did you hear about the new holistic elf doctor?
He's a gnome-opath!
It’s allergy season again?! You’ve got to be pollen my leg.
What kind of magazines would the planets prefer to read? Cosmos.
I’m stuck on you like igloo.
Why was the pig a pathological liar? It’s a porcine-ality disorder.
It’s your birthday at last
You’re getting old fast
Each year whizzes by
Oh how time does fly
So put on your skates
And have a quick blast
Before it’s too late
And your whole life has passed
Do you like bananas or blueberries?
I want to know what kind of pancakes to make in the morning.
There was a young man from Lahore
Whose limericks stopped at line four.
When asked why this was,
He responded, "Because."
There was an Old Man of Kamschatka,
Who possessed a remarkable fat cur;
His gait and his waddle
Were held as a model
To all the fat dogs in Kamschatka.
That dress would look great on my bedroom floor!
How did they name those guys who wore shiny armor in medieval times?
They couldn't think of a name, so they decided to call it a knight.
Why do zombies speak Latin?
It’s a dead language.