What do you get when it rains potatoes? Spuddles.
The weatherman said it might get a bit drizzly outside.
You can expect a Lil’ Wayne.
Did you hear what happened between the cook and the onion?
I think there was a fight. It got a little dicey and tears were shed.
What's an albino crow called? A caw-casian.
What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with an angry man? A kangryoo
"Ignorance is a form of environmental pollution."
Anonymous
Why do ghosts like elevators? They raise their spirits.
“Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.”
- Gregory “Pappy” Boyington
How do animals know when to cross the road?
The chameleon changes from red to green.
What do you call someone with Yellow hair on the beach?
A beach blond.
What did Michael Jackson say to his chess opponent?
“It don’t matter if you’re black or white.”
To the person who stole my coffee, my lamp, and my parrot…
I don’t know how you sleep at night.
One fundamental lesson our teacher has taught us in History class while talking about the Civil War was never to take victory for Grant-ed.
Reading is a novel idea.
"I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning."
– John Barrymore
You can never get short balls over the net! Solution: Drop shot from arsenal.
After all is sled and done.
My father is a farmer who grows strawberries. However, his business has recently gone into liquidation after he made smoothies.
Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koala-fications
What has 36 teeth and holds back the Incredible Hulk? My zipper.
Do truckers prefer houses with long-haul ways?
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.”
Stephen Colbert
"I'd walk through fire for my best friend. Well, not fire, that would be dangerous. But a super humid room... but not too humid because, you know... my hair."
— Unknown
You can be the queen of my kingdom.
"That was a howling adventure!" said the werewolf to the zombie.
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”
Mark Twain
My wife got mad at me for playing catch with my son in the backyard
... I didn’t see the big deal until I dropped him.
Why did the computer parts salesman quit?
He lost his drive.
Heard the person who invented the urinals was very young.
He was a whiz kid.
I dislike toilet paper because...
They're tearable.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
Did you hear about the mummy who goes to university? His favorite subject is Cryptography.
Who put the Howl in Halloween?
Not ghouls just the people they ate!
You run like light. How can I get high-speed access?
I was having a pretty boring night but now it’s looking a lot more Evelyn-tful
The forager was in such mixed moods this morning and we guessed he picked and ate the wrong class of mushrooms.
What’s the one book all piglets read in grade school? A Series of Un-porcine-ite Events.
"If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world."
– J.R.R. Tolkien
You're the cutest jailbird I ever did see, I sure would be delighted with your company.
How do you confuse a blond?
Tell them to count the stairs on a escalator.
There are so many puppies and kitties around the neighbourhood. Perhaps it is because it has been raining cats and dogs for hours.
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
"If you want to pass this point alive, you must answer my riddle: What goes on four legs in the morning, two legs at noon and on three legs in the evening?" the Sphinx asked.
Oedipus pondered for a moment, "Probably one of those new Pokemones," he finally replied. "There is like 600 of them.
"Fair enough man," spoke the Sphinx. "I can't reasonably expect you to remember all their names. You may pass."
I heard the King of spain caught Covid...
Heard he tested positive while on his plane going somewhere, now he has to quarantine there.
So the Reign in Spain remains solely on the Plane.
I like milk and cookies but I would rather have you.
The next round the wolf showed up at the butchery, he was arrested. This is because he was being tracked by the police for chop lifting.
What type of a computer does a horse like to eat? A Macintosh