I want to start a deer breeding business…
But first, I’m gonna need about 5,000 bucks.
Dad, do you like baked apples? Yes son, why? The orchard's on fire.
What do the ducks have for dinner? They have Quackers and soup.
What kind of wine do traffic cops like best?
Fine wine!
Need an ark?
I noah guy.
What did the fisherman say to the card magician? Take a cod, any cod.
Why does your grandma like wine so much?
Because at her age, she needs glasses!
Why did an agent decide to hide his realtor license?
Because he wanted to be a secret agent.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.
It’s so cold I had to eat ice cream just to warm up.
Who is running the corona virus relief?
WHO??
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
Why are tomatoes the slowest vegetable?
Because they can’t ketchup.
Why is rain the best kind of music?
Because it has amazing drops.
What animal jumps when it walks and sits when it stands?
A kangaroo.
I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards
I'm sure that must have been a record.
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
Why do perfumes always hang out in pairs?
Because they don't want to get cologne-ly!
If you were in the jungle and a gorilla charged you, what should you do?
Pay him.
The favorite soccer position for ghosts is the ghoul keeper.
What did the pitcher tell the bat? Batter-up.
I don't usually brag about my drum jokes but um...
tss
What did the fishermen say to the fish that swam away? "You bass-tard!"
What should you wear when you play against the National Volleyball Team? Football helmets.
What do you call a frog spy?
A croak and dagger agent.
What do frogs do when they ski?
They rip it.
Man: Your face must turn a few heads!
Woman: And your face must turn a few stomachs!
What do you call a Blind Dinosaur's Dog? Do-ya-think-he-saurus-rex.
“Me to my students every day: Close your eyes. If you can still see me, it could be a sign that your eyes are still open.” – Unknown
Did you hear about the croc calling the frog? He just croc-o-dialled.
When your putt lips out, what disease do you have?
Liprocy.
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
"This is the last straw!"
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink...
What kind of birds do skeletons like?
Sea skulls.
Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the road?
Because it wanted to lay it on the line.
I tried to start a soccer club so I put up some posters on a local bulletin board.
Just to get the ball rolling.
My cat kept jumping onto my desk.
I had to put him down.
What did the coffee say to its date? Hey there, hot stuff.
I’d hike every trail in the world if I had you next to me.
Until I saw you, I didn't believe I'd ever see an arctic fox.
Are you a taco?
Cause you sure taco lot
What kind of whale can fly?
A Pilot whale.
When the little unicorn got bullied at school, he told his pop-corn so he could do something about it.
Thanks to you, I’m saddled with unnecessary peelings.
A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage.
It replied, “No, thanks, I am traveling light.”
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
Q: Why couldn't the Pharaoh sing?
A: He hurt his larSphinx