Excuse me, there has been a heartbreak incident and I need your number to solve it.
“My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don’t know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.”
- Nick Kroll
You don’t need to pay rent to live inside my heart.
If a purple-colored fruit gets stuck in your drain, then you should call a plum-ber to fix it.
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
I'm not saying you're old, but if you were milk I'd sniff you first.
Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
Autumn brings re-leaf from the heat.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack? An abdominal snowman.
What do you call a Stegosaurus with carrots in its ears? Anything you want, it can't hear you!
What is the angriest place on Earth?
Ire-land
Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.
What do you call a potato that has turned to the dark side? Vader tots!
What do you call a dog that likes to dig up bones?
A barkeologist.
I know a man whose last name is Storm
He has three daughters: Summer, April, and Haley.
Q: What do you get when you cross an Egyptian pharaoh with a mechanic?
A: Toot and Car Man.
Why shouldn’t you fart on elevators?
It’s wrong on so many levels.
What part of a flamingo has the most feathers?
The outside.
What do you call a window that raps? 2PANEZ
My personal trainer said I have to come over and talk to you for five minutes as part of my routine.
Hey (say their name), I know this is not a chat room but my lips want to chat with yours.
What did the bat complain about?
Flying with such frequency was exhausting.
What does a squirrel wear on its feet?
Cashews
I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping onions which made me cry
Onions was a good dog
Why did the otter cross the river?
To get to the otter side
What do you call the first person to kill someone with a gun?
First person shooter
When I text you goodnight later, what number should I use?
“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.
Don't get tide-up in sorrows, you will only cry a river.
Do you breathe oxygen? We have so much in common.
Are you an onion? Cause I want to peel your layers.
What’s a deer’s go-to ice cream flavor?
Cookie-doe.
Why did the fruit run for president? He wanted world peach.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
What did the zombie boss say to the zombie employee?
- Don’t miss the undeadline!
The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Al Gore
What do you do if you see a blue banana? Try to cheer it up.
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort.
What animal can go into a tiger’s den and came out alive?
The tiger.
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
There’s a lot of proposals on cleaning up space in earth’s orbit from broken satellites.
Looks like they’ll need a vacuum cleaner.
What does a shark like to eat with peanut butter? Jellyfish!
What do fish use to weigh themselves?
Scales!
Where do dinosaurs get their mail ? At the dead-letter office!
What do snakes use to clean their car windows?
Windscreen vipers.
Do you want to Australian Kiss?
Q: Why did the fruit go to the salon?
A: To peach her hair blonde.
What does a spy do in the rain?
He goes undercover.
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
His chest.