What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One is a bottom-dwelling, scum-sucking scavenger and the other is a fish!
You make me wanna go inside your wine cabinet and pull myself out a stiff one.
My partner got mad when she found so much spam on my computer.
She said, "Food belongs on a plate!"
“I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west!”
Rodney Dangerfield
“Anorexia is a disease not a fashion statement.”
Brooke
I really have to force myself to get through this book on friction.
What do you call a dinosaur that left its armor out in the rain ? A Stegosau-rust.
Are you my Appendix? Because I have a funny feeling in my stomach that makes me feel like I should take you out.
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
What do you call a strong pumpkin?
A Jacked-o-Lantern.
Are you a bowl of Lucky Charms? Because you appear to be magically delectable!
Why is pumpkin pie so much better than sweet potato pie?
Sweet potatoes are ungourdly.
What kind of camel throws a hissy fit when you milk it?
A drama dairy.
I really liked learning about displacement in Physics.
It's pretty straight to the point.
Did you hear about the computer virus that was programmed by a cat?
It's considered meowware!
A pile of books fall onto Sean Connery's head
He exclaims: "I only have my shelf to blame!"
I once had a gerbil named Bobby,
Who had an unusual hobby.
He chewed on a cord,
and now -- oh my lord,
now all that's left is a blobby.
Pardon me if I’m being pool-itically incorrect.
What type of apartment does a pun live in?
The pun-thouse!
What do you call one day below freezing and the next day at 70 degrees?
“It’s snowing today, but water you doing tomorrow?”
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a Martian?
An eggs-traterrestrial.
What kind of shoes do all spies wear? Sneakers.
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? Boy! I'm stuffed!
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
Where do horses buy groceries?
Whinny-Dixie.
What are the best vegetables to sleep under?
a can of peas.
What does a cow put on his French toast?
Moooolasses.
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
The peach sports organization rended a commercial peach for a game of peach ball.
Why did the dog fail his driving test?
Because he couldn’t parallel bark.
It’s so hot my thermometer goes up to “Are you kidding me?”
You remind me of a diamond necklace because you sure sparkle and shine bright.
I just heard that the government has made an amendment to lockdown to allow Father Christmas out...
It's called the Santa Clause
My friend was going to a painting competition, so I wished him, "Grey the force be with you".
There is a Giant Screwdriver attacking the city. Please seek shelter immediately. This is not a drill.
“Be a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet on the inside.”
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
Tennis is a lot like waiting tables. The most important thing to get right is the first serve.
What did the kid nut say to the other when playing tag? “I’m going to cashew”.
What would a winged horse play in a band?
The pegabass guitar.
I always have a ball with you.
If we are both math majors, then why is there so much chemistry between us?
What kind of computer does a worm have? A Macintosh.
Hey baby, how many Gamma-ray bursts can your Milky Way take?
I imagined I saw a rainbow but it must have been a pigment of our imagination.
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
Did you just swallow a magnet? Because I’m so attracted to you right now.
Why are Ghosts in such good shape? Plenty of exorcise and a good die-t.
My wife said we needed to have a serious talk about my obsession with furniture.
I said we could table it for now.
“No matter how hard you hug your money, it never hugs back.” — H. Jackson Brown Jr.