Ghosts make the best cheerleaders. They have lots of spirit!
Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed? Exactly the same as short dinosaurs.
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
There was an Old Man of the South,
Who had an immederate mouth;
But in swallowing a dish,
That was quite full of fish,
He was choked, that Old Man of the South.
I can figure out the square root of any number in less than 10 seconds. What? You don’t believe me? Well, then, let’s try it with your phone number.
The church is prayer-conditioned. -- Anonymous
How does one astronaut says sorry on the moon tell another astronaut? He Apollo-gises.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
What did the deer say to his sulky friend?
“Buck up!”
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
What happens if you break the brain scanner?
Can I be your next varietal?
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in a pool?
Bob.
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights.
Just found two lumps on my car battery.
Got them tested, one came back positive. I hope it's not terminal.
What does a vampire bat call a bloodmobile?
Meals on Wheels.
Mummies are very aware of investment security. Their favorite is Cryptocurrency.
What did the witch say when the door-to-door broom salesman showed her a vacuum.
I don't want an automatic. I want a stick shift!
May the mass times acceleration be with you.
How do you know if there’s a snowman in your bed?
You wake up wet!
Why did the ad agency hire a hydra?
She knew how to wear many different hats.
I hate red eyes, but I would fly all night for you.
The group of beavers loved the river because it has a really bubbly personality.
Are you crippling depression and anxiety? Because you haunt me at every waking hour.
"Sweet Tooth Andy"
Have you heard of sweet-tooth Andy?
Makes his bed with sugar candy.
And it never fails... by dawn
all of Andy’s bed is gone.
– Denise Rodgers
"We found eggs in a hopeless place."
Why did Santa stop smoking a pipe?
It was bad for his elf!
How does a car express love to another?
‘I a door you.’
Football is one habit I will never kick
It’s so cold I saw a gangsta with his pants pulled up.
There was an Old Person of Chester,
Whom several small children did pester;
They threw some large stones,
Which broke most of his bones,
And displeased that Ols Person of Chester.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
What happened to the pineapple who was turned down for a date? Crushed pineapple.
"Went outside today. Very hot. There were bugs. Zero stars, would not recommend"
Why is the moon a wanted criminal?
It’s constantly mooning people.
“The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.”
- Robert Brault
"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips
What's the meanest thing ever?
When you ask a gnome, “What will you be when you grow up?”
Did you hear the one about the genius unicorn who aced every subject? Yeah, he was a real A corn.
"You can close your eyes and imagine yourself in a relaxing place. Like on your sofa, not doing yoga."
- Grant Tucke
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for Fresh Prints!
What's green and purple and goes up and down? Barney in an elevator.
Why do saxophone players get so many dates?
Because they have sax appeal
Did you hear about the kangaroo with glasses?
He had to go to the hopthalmologist.
Did you hear about the viking cannibal?
He had a Swede-tooth.
"I believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises."
- Neil Armstrong.
Wife is frying a lot of mushrooms in a tiny pan.
Me: Doesn't look like you have mushroom left in there.
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight."
– Rita Rudner
A man visits a televangelist and asks him to help him with his hearing. The televangelist grabs his heads and violently shakes it back and forth for several minutes, screaming and shouting. After the violent gesture ends the televangelist looks at him and says, “How is your hearing?”
The man replies, “I don’t know yet. It’s not until next Monday at 12:00.”
There once was a boy named Dan,
who wanted to fry in a pan.
He tried and he tried,
and eventually died,
that weird little boy named Dan.