Which musical group did Frankenstein not like at all?
The Village People.
What’s a ghoul’s favorite love story?
Romeo and Ghouliet!
What is the difference between archeology and grave robbing?
About 200 years
What type of noodles do swimmers like best?
Pool noodles!
What do you call two kangaroos who live together?
Roo-mates.
In Ireland, they really like to ham it up.
Why did the squirrel ask for a pay raise?
He was paid peanuts.
I saw this new movie about a mummy's new bandages. It was called The Emperor's New Cloths.
We’re calling your number.
We’re a perfect mash.
Two cabinets walk out of a bar...
One says to the other, "you walking home?" and the other replies, "Nah, I'm cabinet."
What do you call the Greek version of Spider-Man?
Pita Parker.
Why didn’t the skeleton laugh at the joke?
Because he didn’t have a funny bone.
Q. Why was the baby gorilla such a big brat?
A. Because his parents are big apes.
Has a guy ever walked up to you just to tell you how beautiful you are?
They must have been much drunker than I am.
I saw you walking by me,
And I fell for you right then.
The sun was shining on your face,
Your hair was blowing in the wind.
But something strange did happen,
A shimmer came across your face.
I blinked and suddenly you were gone,
My heart increased its pace.
I looked around to try and find you,
But alas, you left, you’d gone,
My beautiful reflection,
Washed away inside the pond.
What do you call it when you get a month’s worth of rain at once?
England.
When you go with an army general onto a bowling alley, he will start bowling even before you enter his name on the scoreboard.
Did you know Chuck Norris was in every star wars movie?
He played the force.
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
Laughter is the best medicine – unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Jasper Carrott
Water you doing on [date]?
When I refused to have the soup, my sister said "People who do not have soup are stew-pid".
The only thing that looks like half a strawberry is the other half.
Burst into cheers!
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
Where did the hamsters invade the beaver colony? Hamsterdam.
Hey girl, are you a pulmonary embolism?
Because you're making me breathless.
How did one become a medieval executioner?
You had to axe nicely.
I accidentally injured my girlfriend with a mouth organ.
I really didn't mean to harm Monica.
Did you hear about the croc and rooster that had a kid together?
It was a crocadoodledoo.
Do you celebrate Boxing Day? Because you're the whole package.
Did you hear about the extremely serious gorilla?
He didn't monkey around.
How to cars convince you?
By telling you that ‘you Audi-believe it.’
I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
There was an Old Person of Rheims,
Who was troubled with horrible dreams;
So, to keep him awake
They fed him on cake,
Which amused that Old Person of Rheims.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Where do most koala movie stars live? In Koalawood, Koalafornia, of course!
A strawberry's favorite place to visit is Jam-aica.
I bought my daughter into a radio...
She's not very e-static about it.
A fly and flea flew into a flue,
said the fly to the flea 'what shall we do?'
'let us fly' said the flea
said the fly 'shall we flee'
so they flew through a flaw in the flue.
There once was a lad from West Philly
Who played basketball and got silly
He fought with some brothers
Which worried his mother
Now he's know as Bel Air's Fresh Prince, Willy
What do you call the story of a poor witch that just became a millionaire?
Rags to witches story.
Why was the scarecrow upset with the worm?
It was going ear to ear in the corn field!
What did the deer say when he left the barbershop?
“I feel like a million bucks!”
My brother just admitted that he broke my favourite lamp.
I'm not sure I'll be able look at him in the same light ever again
"If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer." - Clement Freud
What do French cars wear as hats?
Bonnets.
I was taking care of my friend’s snake while he was on vacation, but somehow it crawled into our freezer and died.
I asked my wife, “What should I tell him?”
“Just give it to him straight.”
My family wanted me to cut the grass, but I couldn't get myself mow-tivated.