“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
Robin Williams
A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself."
~ Anonymous
"Something Went Wrong in Our Family Tree"
Something went wrong in our family tree
When I look at you, cousin, it's plain to see.
You've got big ears like a chimpanzee,
But I guess that backfires 'cause it's the same with me.
Your two front teeth remind me of a rabbit,
You should stop munching carrots; it's become a habit.
If I want one, I have to move quick and grab it.
Come to think of it, your teeth look like mine, dag-nabbit!
Now your eyes look just a little bit screwy,
Guess you must have inherited them from Grandpa Louie.
But my eyes are kind of cock-eyed and just a bit droopy,
So I guess we've got that in common too, oh poopie!
I think my critique of your appearance is done.
Since we look so much alike, it's no longer any fun.
I've got one last thing to say in front of everyone,
Gosh, you're a good lookin' son-of-a-gun!
– Kelly Roper
There was an Old Man of the North,
Who fell into a basin of broth;
But a laudable cook,
Fished him out with a hook,
Which saved that Old Man of the North.
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
What do you get when you cross Ice, chocolate, a big strawberry, a giant pineapple, and cold milk? The worlds best Sundae!
What do you get when if you cross a potato and the terminator?
A termitator.
What type of wine is notorious for making you drowsy?
Sauvign-yawn blanc!
Mommy, Mommy, what’s a werewolf?
Don’t worry about that honey and comb your face!
What did the skeleton say to his girlfriend?
- Will you marrow me?
Where are dead computer hackers buried?
In decrypt.
When you push a strawberry down a hill, you make a strawberry turnover.
What does the Ghost say when he sneezes? - Ach-ooooooooooooooooooooo!
What did one slice of bread say to the other at their wedding?
Let’s grow mold together.
What kind of musical instrument do mice play? A mouse organ! Why do mice have long tails? Well, they'd look silly with long hair!
"I am a leaf on the wind... in bed."
- Firefly
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
What do you call a Medieval knight who's always sure of himself?
Sir Tainly.
Someone said, "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."
So I through a dictionary at them.
I had an art contest with my friend.
It ended in a draw.
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
Is plate throwing a trully Olympic sport?
Discuss.
Theatre costumes must be handled with care since they're often laced with something.
Scientists have genetically modified a Venus Fly Trap to have the skin of a cactus
They say its bark is worse than its bite.
Having to wipe with a hemorrhoid is a pain in the a**.
Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.
“Bring a compass. It’s awkward when you have to eat your friends.”
I never need to see the sun again because your eyes light up my world.
“If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.” — John Gotti
You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
The king and queen of the animal kingdom were having marriage trouble.
"You're a cheetah!" said one to the other. "Oh yeah?" she replied,
"You're a lion!"
There was an Old Man of the coast,
Who placidly sat on a post;
But when it was cold
He relinquished his hold
And called for some hot buttered toast.
What element is derived from a Norse god? Thorium.
“There should be a rule against people trying to be funny before the sun comes up.”
– Kristen Chandler
Why didn’t the peach do well on its ACT? Because when it comes to education, it only gets a little STEM.
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Tamara.
Tamara who?
Tamara the feeding frenzy starts all over again, yay!
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
Did you hear about the rabbit who refused to leave her house? She was having a bad hare day.
Why did Shakespeare only write in ink?
Pencils posed an issue; 2B or not 2B?
I bought a really small cow last week. I really wanted to try condensed milk.
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
Why did the lion cross the road?
He was bored of lion around.
What do you call a pear who plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity.
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
What does a lemon pie and my wife have in common?
They both have meringue on them.
What did the parmesan say when it broke up with the mozzarella?
Sorry but I am too mature for you.
What happened when a bat misbehaved in night school?
She got suspended.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.