How did Salvador Dali like to start his mornings? With a bowl of Surreal and milk.
Mascara and lipstick broke up last week.
Now they are trying to make-up!
Condoms are like ear muffs.
They prevent a lot of noise.
What kind of beer can you make from a potato?
Spud Light.
Every function without you will always be void of love.
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?”
– Milton Berle
What does a dragon eat with his soup? Firecrackers.
Why did the skeleton start the fight?
He had a bone to pick.
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
I will always cherish my initial misconceptions of you.
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.
"Is it the tar that smells like farts?"
"No, it was your asphalt"
Where do horses go to the bathroom?
The bathroom stall-ion.
What’s the difference between spring rolls and summer rolls?
Seasoning.
Why couldn't the housefly board the plane?
It was on the no fly list
It's ice to meet you.
Air resistance is a real drag.
Babe can I get a cookie that tastes like you?
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield?
There are too many ears.
Why did the Buddhist gorilla get locked out of his monastery?
He forgot his monk-key
What happened when the pun misbehaved in school?
He was pun-alized with detention!
"You can't skele-run from my skele-puns."
A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.
What do a mommy bee and a daddy bee make when they have alone time?
A babe-bee.
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put I at the beginning and U at the end.
Why did the dog go to the bank?
To make a de-paws-it. But unfortunately, there was a mastiff line.
I can’t help but laugh a little when I see a pun about chocolate bars… snickers
Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.
This year, my brain and my heart are Valentines to each other.
How does a Man cut his hair on the moon? Eclipse it.
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
What did the flower say when he saw his date?
I think you’re dandy, and I’m not lion!
I was driving along the motorway one day when a truck in front of me shed its load of cabbage. Never slaw that coming.
What is a cat’s favorite deal? Buy one, get one furry.
A teacher asks one of their pupils, "Can you describe Napoleon"s origin?"
The pupil replies, "Course I can." (Corsican)
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
Can I interest you in a magic trick? Just give me your phone and watch my number magically appear on it.
You are the HCl to my NaOH. With our sweet love, we could make an ocean together.
If I had a nickel for every time I received a nickel, I would have an infinite amount of nickels.
The soup chef changed the design of his menu. He said his new favorite font is Times New Ramen.
Make your own decisions this summer, don’t give in to pier pressure.
A strawberry screamed at the other, "Were it not that ripe, we wouldn't have ended up in this jam."
Don't worry, the Corona Virus won't last long... It was made in China.
How does a horse tow its trailer?
With a Ford Bronco.
"People that insist upon drinking and driving, are putting the quart before the hearse."
– Gilbert K. Chesterton
Wolves love shopping and they can literally die for. However, none of them loves the flea market for obvious reasons!