My Mexican uncle takes anti-anxiety medication
It's for Hispanic attacks.
My wife treats me like a God – every evening at dinner I get a burnt offering.
What does a panda use to cook his pancakes?
A pan duhhhh!
What kind of degree can you get at a urinal?
A Pee h.D.
What did the tornado say to the sports car?
Let's go for a spin!
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
You’re as sweet as a flower, and not a daisy goes by when I don’t think of you.
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
Why was the broom late? It over swept!
What do you get when you cross a cat and a sloth? A slow leopard.
Did you hear about the secret guild of bakers? They say that they only trade recipes on a knead to know basis.
Did you guys hear about the airplane that dressed up for Halloween?
It was in disguise.
“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason
Join us and let’s make pizza cheese grate again.
If I was a planet and you, my moon! I’d stop spinning just by looking at you.
The two loaves of bread could not wait to stare through the delivery room window. They wanted to see their new bun-dle of joy.
How do horses get to another star system? They travel through intergalloptic space.
Why was the book of incantations useless?
Because the author failed to do a spell-check.
You know, you might be asked to leave soon. You're making the other women look really bad.
I sat on the pin.
It did not give me a grin.
Buy some marmalade.
The worst pub I’ve ever been in was called The Fiddle.
It was a vile inn.
When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
“Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way."
~ Homer Simpson
What did the llama say when the other llama asked if they wanted to go on holiday?
Alpaca suitcase.
My doctor recommended exercise to slim down as well as some orange juice for vitamins
It’s the weight and C approach I guess.
The peach couple from school is totally in love. They seem so perfect for peach other.
What is the difference between a car and a bull?
A car only has one horn.
What do you call a cow with no legs at all? Ground beef
Q: What do you call a scary berry?
A: A boo-berry.
When everyone agreed with Hulk at breakfast that they love waffles more, he said, "Not all heroes wear crepes."
I have some extra chairs in my garage for emergency seat-uations.
Never argue with Pi, it's irrational.
What did the therapist say to the angry client when their cell phone battery died?
I suggest you find an outlet!
What two members of the cow family go everywhere with you?
Your calves.
What did Delaware? a New Jersey
I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallow, and nuts.
I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
Girl: Want to see a magic trick?
Boyfriend: Sure.
Girl: Poof you're single.
Why do youngsters like pelvic bones so much?
Because they're hip.
How do you come up with a secure password to protect yourself against hackers?
Just make it the last 10 digits of pi.
I am pretty sure that the favourite soup of Dracula is the Scream of tomato.
Heard a rumor of a giant butterfly in London. Probably just an urban moth.
What's black, white, purple, yellow and blue? Sugilite, opal, and sardonyx fighting over a gumball.
It’s so hot you need a spatula to remove your clothing.
What happens when an onion burps at the most awkward time? It releases tear gas.
“Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn’t be done.” – Sam Ewing
Are you religious?
Because you're the answer to all my prayers.
Everyone makes fun of him for using old coffee, but he insists it has the greatest sedimental value.
Bagels and baguettes
Bap or fried bake,
The fruits of the flour
are easy to make
Chollah, chapatti,
Cinnamon bun.
These global delights,
make eating such fun.
Filled with Caribbean sweet meat
like Guava jam,
Scottish smoked salmon;
Or Danish roast ham.
Add a fresh fruit salad,
Some sparkling wine,
A candle, red roses and
you’re ready to dine.
(Joanna Davis)
Why did the cheese lover hide cheese in the back of his fridge?
In queso emergency.
How does a Ghost say good-bye? - I can’t wait to seance you again.