Why did it take dad an hour to choose which skin cream to buy?
He didn't want to make a rash decision.
Why was the mouse afraid of the water?
Catfish.
Why did the King of Hearts marry the Queen of Hearts?
They were perfectly suited to each other.
Make your own decisions this summer, don’t give in to pier pressure.
“Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there’s no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.”
Craig Ferguson
Why did the elf use a duck to wake him on Christmas morning?
So he could be up at the quack of dawn!
Which day of the week do chickens hate most?
Fry-Day.
Too tired, I’m out of aspara-gas.
What do you give a sick pig?
Oinkment.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Yah.
Yah who?
No, I prefer Google.
The peach started acting all funny because it was really fuzzy.
We got the news of a coming flood today. The news was leaked.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
Q: What do tigers and computers have in common?
A: They both have mega bites.
So my girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying "Sorry, this isn't working."
Then I opened the fridge and it was still working. Phew, I thought something bad is going to happen today.
Why did the witch's team lose the cricket game?
Their bats flew away.
Why is it hard to carry on a conversation with a goat?
Because they are always butting in.
I’d like to buy a catamaran or a yacht.
I’d like to get the best of boat words.
What is the first thing that bats learn at school? The alphabat.
You can forget about winning, princess. Because even Cinderella can’t get to this ball.
It's ok to be negative if you find yourself in a thunderstorm.
You probably won't get struck by lightning.
Where do the monkeys get their gossip?
They hear it on the ape vine.
When you swat a mosquito on your arm
Its death is in vein.
Did you hear about the birds of prey on black Friday?
It was a free for owl.
Clean clams crammed in clean cans.
“Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.” - Taylor Meade
What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted!
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
Excuse Me, I’ve lost my phone number. Can I borrow yours?
What do dogs increase?
The pup-ulation.
"Thanks a brunch for the meal!", said the punny man when he sat to eat.
What do you say when you're having dinner with a skeleton? Bone appetit!
What do you call ten Arctic hares hopping backwards through the snow together?
A receding hare line.
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
Why shouldn’t you let advanced math intimidate you?
It’s really as easy as pi!
Why did the beaver stop cutting down trees?
The work gave him gnawsea
Who is a geologist’s favorite band?
The Rolling Stones.
A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
Hi, I’m a T-cell, and I’m here to protect you from everything.
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
What do you call a bad electrician? A shock absorber!
What's the most musical cut of chicken? The drumstick!
I bought a pack of those animal shaped biscuits,
but had to take them back as the seal was broken.
There's no need to cherry your feelings, I know you love me really.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
I Wanna Be Your Man
To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the IT professional, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Question: What is the oldest animal?
Answer: The Zebra, it's still in black and white!
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Why did the orange’s musical number receive a bad review?
Because it wasn’t an “orange-inal.”