Which is the bar downtown that soccer players hate striking on? Crossbar.
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Toml
Why is there no COVID cases in Antarctica
Because it’s so ice-o-lated
What was the conversation like at the dinner party with all the boring flowers?
Like pollen teeth.
When does a bat go "mooooo"? When it is learning a new language!
You must be Egyptian, because I'm a enslaved by your eyes.
Why do Swedish battleships have barcodes printed on the sides?
So that when they return to port they can scandinavyin.
Did you hear the plum joke? A: It was pitiful.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
ILENE.
What did the violin say when it finally played the music correctly?
Viola.
I've decided to stop being a fork and become a spoon.
I just woke up one day and didn't see the point anymore.
What’s the name of the Grim Reapers hair salon?
Curl up and dye.
How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.
The pecan is ready to come out of its’ shell and see the world.
What's green and purple and goes up and down? Barney in an elevator.
What holiday do we celebrate in May to remember all the mothers we lost in the past year?
Momorial Day
“New pick-up line to try today: “Hey, are you a turkey? Because I want to gobble you up and then fall asleep.” — Rebel Wilson
Twinkle twinkle little star,
went out with a guy to the bar.
He bought me one and bought me two
but I ended up with Hugh.
Through three cheese trees, three free fleas flew. While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew. Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze. Freezy trees made these trees’ cheese freeze. That’s what made these three free fleas sneeze.
Your good seed for the day.
What can you find in the middle of April and March but not at the beginning or end of either?
The letter R!
My apologies for not flirting, I'm trying to seduce you with my awkwardness.
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
What does a ghost panda eat?
BamBOO!
Any self-respecting rock will break at least one shovel before accepting its new home.
Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? Because he thought his wife was a flake.
Looks like the boa cons-tricked her.
I had this disturbingly long dream that I was making a salad.
I was tossing all night.
What did the mom say to her kitten when she caught him slouching? Paw attention to your paw-sture!
“My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.”
Unknown
What is a mosquitos worst fear?
The S.W.A.T Team.
Drink happy thoughts.
Why don’t werewolf make good dancers?
Because they have two left feet!
"I just can't live with the pathetic tickles that you call thrusts anymore."
You wanna know how I remember every poop I take?
I keep a log.
What do you call the Earth when it is quaking?
Shakesphere.
May I have your number, so we stop being strangers?
Who cast the spell of sleep on Dorothy? It was the wicked witch of rest.
"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." – George Burns
What street does the hippocampus live on?
Memory lane.
Why didn't the brain want to take a bath?
Are you a thief? Because you stole a year of my life.
What do you call a dream when a vampire bat is chasing you?
A bat-mare.
I went to an XXX Girls Show in Rome
There were just 30 girls...
Join us for a slice of fun.
Why do Communists only drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft.
How would you call a tutle's poo?
Turdle.
Woah! You look like I need a drink.
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
“My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don’t know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.”
- Nick Kroll
When God integrated Planet Earth, he didn’t forget his integral calculus lesson.
He remembered to add the sea.