I'm going to have to ask you to stay away, you're posing a risk for my health. You make my heart stop!
A lion would never cheat on its wife.
But a Tiger wood.
What stays on the ground but never gets dirty? Shadow.
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
What do you call a secret group of llamas?
The i-llama-nati.
It's so hot that all the water buffalo at the zoo evaporated.
“If Monday was a gift, I would happily return it to the person who gave it to me.”
How does the Easter Bunny stay fit?
Egg ercise.
What do you call Santa when he accidentally falls into the fireplace? Krisp Kringle.
France – it’s just a oui bit different!
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
“Did you nap after eating the Thanksgiving meal? Or did you pass out like you were shot by a tranquilizer gun?” — Jim Gaffigan
Some people prefer milk after it has churned. I guess they find it butter that way.
Which condiment is a mouse’s favourite?
Mouse-tard.
Did you hear about the poker player who lost his arm and got a prosthetic replacement?
He’s finding it hard to deal with.
There was a very cautious man
Who never laughed or played
He never risked, he never tried,
He never sang or prayed.
And when he one day passed away,
His insurance was denied,
For since he never really lived,
They claimed he never really died.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
Whats the difference between and orchestra and a bull? On the bull the horns are in the front and the a***ole is in the back.
"Who’s In?"
“The door is shut fast
And everyone’s out.”
But people don’t know
what they’re talking about!
Say the fly on the wall,
And the flame on the coals,
And the dog on his rug,
And the mice in their holes,
And the kitten curled up,
And the spiders that spin-
“What, everyone out?
Why, everyone’s in!”
– Elizabeth Fleming
Which violation do ghosts get called for the most in basketball?
Ghoul tending.
What was the scariest prehistoric animal? The Terror-dactyl!
I had never seen a horse that white. Perhaps, that is why it is called a mayo-neighs.
Hmm, there seems to be a kiss of mint in this blend. How about a real kiss, just to be sure?
What did the realtor say to his wife?
"Speaking with you felt like buying a house for the first time - thrilling and nervous."
What is a good pick-up line an axon terminal can use on a dendrite?
"Let's connect."
Do you wanna come dance with the big bad wolf? [ No! ] Its okay, the other two pigs said no too!
“I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.”
— Stephen Wright
I feel the rush upon eating chocolate whenever I hold your hand.
Why’d you dress up as a princess, when you could have simply come in plain clothes as the most beautiful girl at the Halloween party?
There was an Old Person of Rhodes,
Who strongly objected to toads;
He paid several cousins,
To catch them by the dozens,
That futile Old Person of Rhodes.
What’s the best dessert to serve at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Paddy cake!
My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy.
I had a tattoo of a Scorpion on my back last night and to tell the truth...
It stings like hell.
What happens when two coffee lovers disagree on their favorite roast? It turns into a heated debate.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk I have a weird axe scent.
Talk literary to me.
What did the flower do when she was challenged?
Rose to the occasion.
A fly and flea flew into a flue,
said the fly to the flea 'what shall we do?'
'let us fly' said the flea
said the fly 'shall we flee'
so they flew through a flaw in the flue.
Roses are blue
And violets are red,
Please reverse,
What I just said.
Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England...
... guess you could say he sleighed it
“When life gives you Monday, dip it in glitter and sparkle all day.”
Why didn’t the bicycle cross the road?
Because it was two tired!
How do you come up with a secure password to protect yourself against hackers?
Just make it the last 10 digits of pi.
What’s Thanos’ favorite app to talk to friends?
Snap chat.
Where do bats get their education?
In night schools.
Who is a beaver's most favorite pop singer ever? Justin Beaver.
What's taken before you get it? Your picture.
Do you have any plans tonight? If not do you mind If I Jona you than?