If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and leave, it could spell disaster.
What did the clean dog say to the dirty dog?
Long time no flea.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Wondering about a peach's favorite sci-fi novel? It's 'When You Peach Me'.
I got really good at telling them, so I’m being crowned the king of corona virus puns.
You’re all formally invited to attend my coronation.
So engineering school is really hard.
I'm not doing so hot in thermodynamics.
"Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood."
— Bill Murray
My friend asked me whether I was ready to pick apples this fall? I apple-solutely was.
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
Now I know why Solomon had 700 wives.
Because he never met you.
Why did the peach go to the therapist? It was in a pit of despair.
A wolfswagon rabbit is by far the best car you can gift a wolf.
Did you know garden gnomes wear little red hats?
It’s a little gnome fact.
Where do you send turtles who commit crimes?
To the shell-block.
What's more impressive than a talking fish?
A spelling bee.
You're by far the prettiest girl here. The 'Liberty bell' of the ball.
Let’s take a leaf of faith.
I've already heard seven cancer puns today.
If I hear tumor it's gonna benign.
What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.
How do you save a drowning mouse ?
Use mouse to mouse resuscitation !
I couldn't go out because of the blizzard. So I had to eat storm-ed buns for dinner.
Ow did the millionaire gardener get rich so quickly?
He was running a huge pansy scheme.
"Little Boy Blue"
Little Boy Blue, please cover your nose.
You sneezed on Miss Muffet and ruined her clothes.
You sprayed Mother Hubbard, and now she is sick.
You put out the fire on Jack’s candlestick.
Your sneeze is the reason why Humpty fell down.
You drenched Yankee Doodle when he came to town.
The blind mice are angry! The sheep are upset!
From now on, use a tissue so no one gets wet!
– Darren Sardelli
If you ever own a koala as a pet, make sure you can keep track of it by putting a koalar around its neck.
What do racehorses eat?
Fast food.
When should you stop for a glow worm? When he has a red light.
How do you keep the snow from giving you cold feet?
Don’t go around BRRfooted!
“The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'”—Jim Gaffigan
Why did a person with an unspayed female cat have to go to court?
For kitty littering.
If you must cross a course cross cow across a crowded cow crossing, cross the cross coarse cow across the crowded cow crossing carefully.
How do lumberjacks shut down their computers?.
They log off.
What says “Quick, Quick”?
A duck with the hiccups
What does the sun drink out of?
Sunglasses!
Why does the fairy kingdom smell so awful?
Because of all the toad stools.
If cheese were downloadable, then I'd try to throw my hard drive as far as possible.
What I'm saying is, I'd chuck e-cheese.
What birds like to write?
Penguins!
What do zombies eat for dessert?
Eyes cream.
Do you like yoga? Because yoganna love what I can offer you.
Egg puns are the most egg-citing.
What sea creature never tells the truth
A lion fish.
It's so cold that lawyers have their hands in their own pockets.
Did you hear about the snake who wrote a love letter to his girlfriend?
He sealed it with a hiss.
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
What is the musical part of a snake?
The scales.
I'm like a Christmas present - you'll love waking up to me in the morning.
What is red and not good for your teeth?
A brick.
You wanna know who makes my life complete? Read the first word in this sentence.
What do you call a penguin in the desert?
Lost!
My wife doesn't like spicy food and I think it's a cayenne shame.