Did you know that back in medieval times, soldiers would sleep with lanterns next to them so they could see if something happened.
They were called "Knight Lights"
The only type of cookies a cookie monster loves to eat during Halloween is Ghoul Scout Cookies.
What's invisible and smells like worms?
Bird farts.
Just like I never play with poop, I promise you that I will never play with your heart.
Steven Wright
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Some call them opponents. We call them victims. It sounds like you have the right mindset to succeed on the court!
I gave someone directions to a theater today
I guess I am a movie director now.
Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
Q: Why did the tiger cross the road?
A: To stop the zebra crossing.
What should you wear before driving?
The correct gear.
Q: What do tigers and computers have in common?
A: They both have mega bites.
Why did the Easter Egg hide?
Because he was a little chicken.
I love my wife with all my butt! I should have to say heart, but my heart is actually smaller than my butt.
Why did the coyote cross the road?
It was chasing the road runner.
What has four legs and goes Oom, Oom?
A cow walking backwards.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Gorilla!
Gorilla who?
Gorilla burger! I've got the buns!
Wine Lovers Rhyme: A friend of wine is a friend of mine!
How did the roommate who stole the last avocado from the fruit bowl justify her thievery?
“I know it’s wrong, but it feels so ripe!”
How do you get from point A to point B?
Just take an x-y plane or a rhom’bus.
Why was the dog chasing his own tail?
Because he was trying to make both ends meet.
Another candle on your cake?
Well, that's no cause to pout.
Be glad that you have strength enough
To blow the d*** thing out.
"Just one hot chick."
"Summer- the time when parents realize how underpaid teachers actually are"
What did the happy cat say? Stay paw-sitive!
Why was James Bond kicked out of a toilet?
Because it was not agent's toilet.
Pad kid poured curd pulled cold.
If you were a puck, I'd never shoot. Because I would always miss you.
What do you give to a sick citrus tree to make it feel better? Lemon aid.
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
What do the laws of physics and the president of Russia have in common?
You can't choose them.
How did the old man walk his way out of the storm so fast?
Because, he had a hurry cane.
If you know a person's name: "Hi, [name]."
How did you know my name?
"Isn't every beautiful girl named that?"
What did the conductor say when he became a zombie?
Traaaaaaaaiiiinsss!!!
Baby, you’re hotter than Rome under Nero.
Why did the farmer decide not to buy an extra phone? It was because he already had one for onion rings.
What type of pool do mechanics like best?
The car pool!
If a wine connoisseur is called a sommelier then a perfume connoisseur should be called a smellier.
What do you call a self-obsessed egg?
An eggomaniac.
Wanna exchange genetic information with me?
What would Jerry McGuire have said if he was a flower?
You had me at hydrangea.
Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped in gum?
He got stuck in Orbit.
"Mom look! I’m a 3D printer!"
"Ugh Tommy, close the door when you poop."
You're not allowed to use your hands in this game.
I see fewer and fewer rainbow tie-dye t-shirts these days. It's a dying art.
What does a good spice rack help you win? The Hunger Games.
What does a mommy cherry say to her children? I love you cherry much.
What are the magic words for a brainy magician?
Hocus sulcus.
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
What do you call a boat full of high school graduates
A scholarship.