Sorry to interrupt with a bad pick up line, but if you were a vegetable, you'd be a cute-cumber.
Mandy: Our teacher went on a special banana diet. Andy: Did she lose weight? Mandy: No, but she sure could climb trees well!
What’s the most supportive beer?
Root beer.
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb?
He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.
Girl, have we both been rendered sightless? Because we ain’t seeing each other anymore.
What do you call a murder where the perp runs away on a bicycle?
A drive bike shooting
What do you call the Greek God of Mexican chickens?
Apollo
I do wonder why my flamingo friends always do so well in tests and exams. After all, they always just wing it.
Levi's should pay you a royalty.
Vikings weren't exactly the best at drinking contests.
They were quite MEADiocre.
I won a contest extracting the most water from a towel, I'm now known as the....
Lord of the Wrings.
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
— George Carlin
Did you hear what happened with the sourdough bread? It really rose to the occasion today.
I hope you're ready to spend some koalaty time together.
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.
What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.
Hey the cyclist, can I take you for a spin on my handlebars?
I asked the bartender for the WiFi password but he told me to buy a drink first. So I ordered a Moscow Mule and asked him again. He handed me a card with the password. It said:
"Buy a drink first" ... no spaces, all lowercase."
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
Your fur is red, so beautiful, like an angel in disguise.
Did you hear about the monk who was caught molesting kids? Yeah, bastard was telling the poor kids to touch his eunuch-horn.
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
Did you hear about the shoe factory that exploded?
Many soles were lost.
Doofus was the stupidest of Roman generals.
These voices in my head have been telling me to come over here and talk to you.
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
Working as a dock hand is hard,
but it's wharf it.
Irish you a whole pot of gold!
If someone else would have invented the airplane, it wouldn't have been Wright.
Remember me? Oh I'm sorry how would you know me, we've met only in my dreams.
There was a Young Lady whose bonnet,
Came untied when the birds sate upon it;
But she said: 'I don't care!
All the birds in the air
Are welcome to sit on my bonnet!'
Basketball players are not that patient to follow-through an elaborate court-ship procedure.
Your sweater must be made out of wife material.
Why do ants work so hard?
They are all serv-ants.
Kiss me if I’m wrong, but trilobites still exist, right?
I went to the costume party as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.
Are you from pennsylvania cause I want to stick my pen in your sylvania.
I usually sing with a deep voice. But when I wash my hands,
I sing faucetto.
What do you call a can of soda in a conglomerate? Coca-Cola Clastic.
I love my furniture... Me and my recliner go way back.
Are you a magnet? Because I find you very attractive.
Why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea-weed.
Remember, Irish puns on St. Patrick's Day don't just shame you. They Seamus all.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
There was an Old Lady of Prague,
Whose language was horribly vague;
When they said, 'Are these caps?'
She answered, 'Perhaps!'
That oracular Lady of Prague.
Did you hear about the little grape who didn’t want to be made into wine?
Unfortunately, he was pressed into service!
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
I took one Luca at you and I honestly couldn’t resist
Variety is the ice of life.