10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
What did the icy road say to the car?
“Want to go for a spin?”
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo and a sheep?
A woolly good jumper.
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
What did the girl say before making a big decision?
‘Do not pressure me.’
What did the peanut say to the cashew after their argument?
Imma cashew outside!
What do you call Chewbacca with chocolate stuck in its fur?
chocolate chip wookiee.
Will you be the Flin to my Flon?
What did the two coffee lovers say on their wedding day? We were meant to bean together.
What’s a buck’s least favorite sandwich bread?
Sour doe.
Who directs all of the movies about volleyball injuries? Spike Lee.
How can you tell a vampire likes baseball? Every night he turns into a bat.
Did you see the glitch earlier? You weren’t listed as the top hottest single.
What’s the sequel to that?
Fuller mouse!
What did the puppy say to his mum?
I woof you.
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
What do you get when you cross Frosty with a baker?
Frosty the Dough-Man!
Why are burgers bad at telling jokes? Because they all are cheesy.
What is white and has long ears, whiskers, and sixteen wheels? Two rabbits on Rollerblades!
Case in punt
“If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere.” – Frank A. Clark
Why did dad shave his daughters barbie?
She wanted 100 doll hairs.
If you can tell me the difference between Flag Day and the 4th of July, I will buy you a drink.
I'd rather have Fingers than Toes,
I'd rather have Ears than a Nose.
And as for my Hair,
I'm glad it's all there,
I'll be awfully sad when it goes.
If I had Jack Sparrow's compass, it'd be pointing at you.
“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier
How can you tell your dad joke is a dad joke?
It’s fully groan.
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th.
What do bandages like to put on their salad?
A wound dressing.
What did Yoda say when he turned a patron away for ordering a pie?
“Dough. Or doughnut. There is no pie.”
Denise sees the fleece,
Denise sees the fleas.
At least Denise could sneeze
and feed and freeze the fleas
Dog to Waiter: Are there any bones in this?
Waiter to Dog: Yes sir, why’s that?
Dog to Waiter: Because I really dig them!
What do you call a cold werewolf?
A chilli dog.
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
"It's a hill. Get over it."
From a runner's T-shirt
What do you call it when you boil a water buffalo?
A mist steak.
If Moses were alive today, why would he be considered a remarkable man?
Because he would be several thousand years old.
I tried telling a joke while drinking my juice for breakfast, but nobody got my punch line.
What do you call a duck that steals soap from the bathtub?
A robber ducky.
What did the buffalo say when his son crossed the road?
-Bison.
What’s a ghoul’s favorite Beatles song?
The Ghoul on the Hill!
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
What is a bunny’s motto? Don’t be mad, be hoppy!
I saw a pun on chocolate bars but it wasn’t that fun
So I just snickered.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite year?
A leap year.
"Slicing Salami"
The strangest, strange stranger I met in my life
was the man who made use of his nose like a knife.
He’d slice up salami, tomatoes, and cheese
at the tip of his nose with phenomenal ease.
He’d buy food in bulk at incredible prices
and then use his nose to reduce it to slices.
His wife ran away and I know that he’ll miss her.
The woman was frightened that one day he’d kiss her!
– Denise Rodgers
Why was the UN concerned when the waiter dropped Thanksgiving dinner?
Because it meant the fall of turkey, the ruin of grease, and the breakup of china.
How did Michael Jackson revolutionize cooking in space?
Moon Wok!