Why did the hummus blush?
Because it saw a chickpea!
What can you catch in the winter with your eyes closed?
A cold.
How do you know the moon is going broke?
It's down to its last quarter.
What do the laws of physics and the president of Russia have in common?
You can't choose them.
In the medieval ages, chess was a very popular game among Kings and Queens. This was because they had castles in it!
Pizza: the only time top-less isn't fun
What's green and purple and goes up and down? Barney in an elevator.
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
"There's something I've been wanting to say since the day we met - goodbye."
The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.
What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
Whale, whale, whale…
If it isn’t a pod.
It’s your birthday at last
You’re getting old fast
Each year whizzes by
Oh how time does fly
So put on your skates
And have a quick blast
Before it’s too late
And your whole life has passed
Hey girl, do you ref during the playoffs? Cause you look like you can swallow a whistle.
Mom: *Struggling to make a decision between 1% or 2%.
Dad: Milk up your mind!
He was going to sleep in a bucket of ice.
But then he got cold feet.
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
Why’d you dress up as a princess, when you could have simply come in plain clothes as the most beautiful girl at the Halloween party?
Which type of wine only comes in a box?
Carbordeaux.
I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
Did you hear about the forgetful unicorn mom? She kept feeding her kids milk of amnesia.
What type of real estate transactions do dwarves prefer?
Short sales.
Archeologists discovered an ancient Egyptian tomb that was dedicated solely to women.
At least that's what they concluded as it was full of Mummys.
What do you call a polar bear in Florida?
A solar bear.
Why did Neil Armstrong pee right after he made his first step on the moon?
He wanted to go where no man had gone before.
If H20 is water, then what is H204? It’s for drinking, washing and swimming, of course!
The Japanese restaurant serves the best soups. It will always make miso happy.
What is the difference between a ball hog and time?
Time passes.
You are the square to my root.
What do you call an old dog?
Grandpaw.
Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England...
... guess you could say he sleighed it
One time Chuck Norris peed in the gas tank of a semi truck as a practical joke.
That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
I'm from the Outback and I'd like to take you out back.
What happened when the monster's football game was all tied up?
They went into ogre time.
“I owe much; I have nothing; the rest I leave to the poor.” - Francois Rebelais
What did the geologist say when his doctor said he needed a colon exam?
No fracking way!
"Laughing 'til I'm coffin."
What did the skeleton say to his girlfriend?
- Will you marrow me?
The salesman at the furniture store told me "This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems!"
To which I said, “Where on earth am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”
What kind of pictures do elves love to paint?
Elf-portraits!
I have to say “Hi” to the prettiest girl in the room… can you help me say “Hi” to that girl over there?
What do you call a can of soda in a conglomerate? Coca-Cola Clastic.
A crossword compiler named Moss,
Who found himself quite at a loss.
When asked, Why so blue?
Said, I haven’t a clue
I’m 2 Down to put 1 Across.
What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog.
Never tell a taco a secret
It will spill the beans
Air resistance is a real drag.
What do you call a crazy blood-sucking parasite?
A lunatick!
What do bread kids say during hide-and-seek?
Bready or not, here I crumb!