What do cats wear to bed? Paw-jamas.
I accidentally mixed up the words 'Jacuzzi' and 'Yakuza' online.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.
When it started raining, I spotted a potato across the road pretty fast and I wondered what’s up? It wasn’t long before I saw a fork up ahead.
What kind of key has no lock?
A turkey.
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
If I told you I worked at Home Depot, would you let me handle your tool?
My husband hated my impulse purchase of a revolving chair, but then he sat on it.
Eventually he came around.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you don't let me in!
A blond rings up an airline. She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?" The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..." The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
Did you hear about the girl who put gorilla glue in her hair?
Her stupidity knew no bonds
Suzie Seaword's fish-sauce shop sells unsifted thistles for thistle-sifters to sift.
A lion would never cheat on its wife.
But a Tiger wood.
“Not telling me something because you don’t want to piss me off is probably the best way to piss me off.”
— ScorpioQuotes.com
I'm an outfielder – I'll catch you.
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
What do you call the guy who chooses a suitable fortified Spanish wine?
A Sherry Picker.
“You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.”
― Unknown
You must be the iceberg from Titanic and I'm the ship because tonight we're gonna smash.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
Q. Why did the gorilla cross the road?
A. To get to the monkey biz on the other side.
Q: Why did the pillow go to the doctor?
A: He was feeling all stuffed up!
Not only did I have a good time at Taco Bell
I had a Baja Blast
"Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” ~ Benjamin Franklin
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
My glasses fogged up once I came out of the AC room last summer, but I was okay because I was opti-mistic.
My wife was a bit down so I decided to redecorate our living room.
Thought it would chair her up but sofa she haven't even noticed
Clean clams crammed in clean cans.
What do you call a weather man that destroys dinosaurs?
A meteorologist
What do you call a group of arms?
An army.
In spite of all restrictions because of Covid, diplomats are allowed to travel freely across countries.
Because they have immunity.
If I had a dollar for every time I thought of you, I'd only have a dollar because you never leave my mind.
I whale always love you.
Hello. Cupid called. He says to tell you that he needs my heart back.
I've got something to tell you that I think you ought to know, That my eyes are on you baby.
Looks like the boa cons-tricked her.
What is it called when a tree has spine problems?
ScoliOAKsis.
What is an unlimited phone plan? A limit cannot be charged.
Two Dragons walk into a bar.
1st dragon: It's hot in here
2nd dragon: Shut your mouth.
I earned money by selling broth. Now I am a bouillonaire.
How do ski instructors get to work?
By icicle.
Did Texas survive last week's winter storms?
Burrrrrrrrrrrrrrly.
Icy what you did there.
A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves.
With all the talk of the pandemic and vaccines recently, I decided to consult a micro-biologist.
I thought they'd be smaller.
My girlfriend just told me I'm a poor listener.
Which upset me massively because I'm an awesome whistler.
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
Where do astronauts buy their milk? From the milky way!!!
Why did the peanut take everything off its wall? It didn’t want any walnuts.
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin