What was the biologist wearing on his first date with a hot chick? Designer jeans.
I went to a mosquito themed restaurant.
It wasn't very good, though. After a few bites I got up and left.
Is there an airport nearby? Or is that just my heart taking off?
How does an octopus go to war?
Well-armed!
I’m not drunk, I’m just intoxicated by you.
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
Q: Why does a hurricane wear a monocle?
A: It has only had one eye!
Why is corn popular around Halloween?
Because it’s so earie.
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None because it's a hardware issue.
Roman soldiers are trained.
But Vikings are Bjorn.
Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
You know what they say about ice cream parents?
They play flavorites.
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Pasta!
Pasta who?
Italian chef who pasta away.
My daughter told me COVID stinks and she misses her teacher...
I told her "I Ms. your teacher too."
On Halloween, I will be wearing a normal everyday T-Shirt
I'll be going as a Casualty
Where does a camel go after he's eaten his main course? He walks straight to the desert trolley.
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
"Toga-ther, we can rule the world!"
Made a shoe out of tea bags for my wife, she said she needed to wipe her nose.
Can you put some hot sauce on my enchilada, I need some spice in my life.
You smell. We should go take a shower together.
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
What’s a pizza maker’s favorite song?
Slice, Slice Baby
What do you call a very rude bird?
A mockingbird!
These sea monster jokes are so funny.
They had me kraken!
What is the best part of Valentine’s day?
The day after, when all the chocolate goes on sale.
What do you say when you catch a bee? Behold!
My friend once used laughing gas as deodorant.
He smelled funny the whole day.
After I helped a peach with some work, she said, "I really ap-peach-iate your help!"
What Christmas carol do they sing in the desert? O' Camel ye faithful.
I just went to a fireworks shop and asked for their biggest bomb. They gave me a picture of you
Which rangy centre could cover the whole ice? Jean Umbrelliveau.
Are you a fruit? Cause honeydew you know how fine you look right now?
How much does a polar bear weigh? Less than you, I would guess.
I was going to become a biologist. But all the endless coursework on hearts and lungs and kidneys and so on just made it seem like one long organ recital.
“I am the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly.”
– Oscar Wilde
Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?
How does a car tell you to get out?
‘Get out, or I shall give you the boot.’
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
But I wouldn’t know,
I don’t get them from you.
I left my laptop outside on the picnic table, and when I came back, the keyboard was covered in ants...
...It took a while to herd them together but I finally got them all under control.
I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
Cold turkey was the only way to do it.
Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland. It’s Dublin every day.
Two snowmen were standing in a yard. One asked the other, "Do you smell carrot?" The other snowman replied, "No, but I can taste coal."
Why is the world so diverse? Because it contains alkynes of people.
I was having a pretty boring night but now it’s looking a lot more Evelyn-tful
What is the best thing to do if you notice a gorilla is sitting at your desk?
Find another place to sit.
I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
Where do crows try their luck?
Ma-cau
At what time of day was Adam created?
A little before Eve.
There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.