What do you call pears with no ears?
Deaf.
Do you know the difference between you and the new phone? The new iPhone costs $1,000 and you are priceless.
Why did the owl invite his friends over?
He didn't want to be owl by himself.
What do you call a boat in training?
An apprenticeship.
I saw a friend of mine named Ella sit down to eat a fillet of salmon. As she lifted the fork to her mouth I screamed NO DON’T EAT THAT!
When she asked why I responded “you’ll get salmon-Ella!”
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
A dung beetle spent an entire day rolling a ball of dung up a hill, only to have it fall down to the other side...
Needless to say, he lost his sh*t.
Do fish go on vacation?
No, because they’re always in school!
What do you call a pear with loose morals?
A prostifruit.
Girl, it makes sense and sensibility for us to go out.
Elves usually make fantastic listeners since they happen to be all ears.
Dang girl, are you an angel? Because you are dead to me.
Why are Dalmatians so bad at hiding?
Because they are always spotted.
Hey, do you still remember me? Oh, that’s right. We only met in my dreams.
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
You’re so beautiful, you make me feel like an arpeggiated chord… broken.
What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car?
A convertible.
why are the discarded papers that once held the halloween candy just like vocalists who have lost their rhythm, art, and poetry?
they are both empty rappers
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? Milk and Quackers!
What do you call it when there are two nuns in a drum circle?
a conundrum
Why did the chicken family cross the road?
They thought it was an egg-cellent idea.
I need a new Halloween costume. I’m thinking of going as an evil nun.
Do I really need another bad habit?
What did Mrs. Pea say to his wife after she refused to listen to her? "I don't care, just do as you peas."
What did the mushroom’s sing when they won the closed-cup? - We are the champignons!
An arrogant gazelle walks up to a bunch of lions and tells them how much better he is than them.
He was consumed by pride.
A mime in our town was arrested yesterday after he got into a bar fight and broke his left arm.
He still has the right to remain silent.
How do blondes define hydrophobic on their school tests? A fear of utility bills.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Abby.
Abby who?
Abby birthday to you!
An apple and an orange signed up for a tournament. No one was really surprised when they had both were seeded.
I'm attracted to you so strongly, scientists will have to develop a fifth fundamental force.
Did you hear about that new broom? It's sweeping the nation!
What did the Soup Nazi say to the canine? What Soup Dawg.
I heard milk does the body good, but man, how much have you been drinking?
Why did the castle keep swearing?
It had turrets.
A truck carrying Lego got into an accident on the motorway. No one knows what happened; the authorities are still trying to piece everything together.
She'll take whatever beans necessary to get her daily cup of coffee. Whatever. Beans. Necessary.
“We’ve been friends for so long, I can’t remember which one of us is the bad influence.”
— Unknown
What do you call a snowman party?
A snowball.
Mountains aren't funny....? They're hilarious.
Where do gorillas keep their beehives?
Apeiaries.
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
I stumbled upon people arguing about trains in my town.
I told them, what’s the lo-commotion?
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.
We’ll kickoff the party with some cocktails.
What’s a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
I made a snap decision to watch football today.
You’re so beautiful you make me want to bloom.
Birdie birdie in the sky laid a turdie in my eye.
If cows could fly I'd have a cow pie in my eye.
When I broke my brother's favorite toy, he turned absolutely red in anger.
It’s so cold a glacier was seen heading slowly down the main street of our town.