You’re sucrose, you’re glucose,
You’re fructose and more,
From your head to your feet…
Which are stuck to the floor.
You’re Hershey’s, you’re Snickers,
You’re sweet English Toffee.
If you spit in my cup,
You’ll just sweeten my coffee.
I love you so much
That I’m getting frenetic,
But I can’t even kiss you,
’cause I’m diabetic.
(Kenneth J. Miller)
I love you more than the sun and moon
I loved you since you left the womb
I love you though you are quite hairy
And I never find it scary
Even when you pick your toes
My love for you only grows
(Anonymous)
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous.
I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I am very disappointed.
What speech did Abraham Lincoln give when he went to Italy?
The Spaghetties-burg Address.
Where do ghosts go trick or treating? Dead ends.
How do Japanese chihuahuas say hello?
Konnichihuahua.
What would you call an elf with lots of money?
W-elfy!
What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?
He was given two consecutive sentences.
Why can't you take a nap during a race? Because if you snooze, you loose!
Let me check your tag.
Yep, just as I thought - Made In Heaven.
There was a fight at the fish restaurant last night.
Two haddock got battered.
How do you call an extremely soothing table?
A console
What do you get when you cross Sonic The Hedgehog and Curious George? 2 Fast 2 Curious
What’s the difference between a teacher and a railway security guard? One trains the mind, the other minds the train.
I’d like to tell a joke about salt but then said to myself: "Na."
Eggs are going up again.
That'll surprise a few chickens.
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
Does your daddy have a pet owl? Because you are a hoot.
What do teachers drink at school? Facul-Tea.
What do you call Bears without ears
B.
How does a pineapple answer the phone? “Yel-low?”
Q: How do you stop newspapers from flying away on windy days?
A: Use a news anchor!
"There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, 'Good morning, God,' and the other is to say, 'Good God, morning'!"
– Fulton J. Sheen.
If pronouncing b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian...
Then Soviet
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
God was just showing off when he made you.
Why did the football coach attempt to destroy the vending machine?
Cuz it wouldn't give him his quarterback.
Wanna dance? I can really put your inertia in motion.
Hey there cyclist, want to go on a morning ride?
Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween.
What type of relationships do hotdogs like to have? A frank relationship, they can’t stand lies.
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
How will you come to know when the moon will go broke? It would happen when moon is down to its last quarter.
What did the showerhead say to the conditioner?
"Get outta hair!"
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
An intrepid explorer named Petty,
Intended to capture a yeti.
But the yeti yelled, Freeze!
I’ve a gun—on your knees,
While my Dad gets the ring and confetti.
A zoo employee was injured when a monkey threw flaming poo at him.
He suffered from turd debris burns.
“If you’re lucky this Christmas, Santa Claus will grace you with his presents.”
Have you heard about the banker who drowned in a river? It was a river of cash.
I had this disturbingly long dream that I was making a salad.
I was tossing all night.
"If cigarette taxes are meant to discourage smoking, wouldn’t income taxes discourage working?"
Ireland is a little lamb-boyant.
I like looking at a chart of all the chemical elements... periodically.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh wet?
A: He was the reigning ruler.
What do you call cheese that is sad? Blue cheese.
I’m like the Jean Baptiste-Colbert of relationships. I never trade with anyone else.
What do you call an everyday potato? A commen-tater.
What do you call a can of soda in a conglomerate? Coca-Cola Clastic.
"Now he's just some bunny that I used to know."
For breakfast I had ice cream
With pickles sliced up in it;
For lunch, some greasy pork chops
Gobbled in a minute;
Dinner? Clams and orange pop,
And liverwurst, slicked thick---
And now, oops! Oh pardon me!
I'm going to be sick!
(William Cole)