Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The policeman said, "What's he like?"
Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"
Where does Sasquatch store his stuff while he's out on a hike?
In a big footlocker.
Hey why Are The Viruses All Gone? Cause They "flu" AWAY.
How many lips does a flower have?
Tulips.
If you have a parrot, it says a lot about you!
My wife asked if I could clear the kitchen table.
I had to get a running start but I made it.
What do you call a koala with no teeth? A gummy bear.
Love at frost sight!
What do you call a toddler running towards their mother with arms high up in the air?
A quick pick-me-up.
“When I figured out how to work my grill, it was quite a moment. I discovered that summer is a completely different experience when you know how to grill.”
— Taylor Swift
What does the queen bee of every hive tell their workers to do?
She tells them to bee productive.
I was named after my dad
Because I couldn’t possibly have been named before him.
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
It’s so hot I saw a cop chasing a thief and they were both walking.
Why does a microwave hum?
Because it doesn't know the words
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
~ Drew Carey
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
Why did the bat break up with her girlfriend?
She thought she was a pain in the neck.
A guy was storing all the facial hair since he was young and had created a huge pile.
When his wife told him to get rid of it, he said "no, it's a must stash".
Mind if my comet enters your solar system?
John, look me in the eyes. All of my life I needed a strong, good looking, confident man and you
are the one who can help me find someone like that.
Every function without you will always be void of love.
Are you a lateral pterygoid because you make my jaw drop.
Sinks cannot open doors
Let that sink in.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said
"You know, one would have been enough."
I know birthdays get worse as you get older. But look at the bright side — not too many left now.
Why do bees hum?
Because they don't know the words.
What do you call a baby potato? Small fry.
“Mondays are a lot like getting fat. They make you feel sad, sometimes angry and there is not much scope for liking either fat or Mondays for any reason.”
– Garry Moll
I was dating a keyboard but we had to break up...
...she just wasn't my type.
When we met, it was love at frost sight.
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
I managed to fix the toilet all on my own today! I'm so proud of myself. Some would even go as far as to say I'm...
flushed with success.
So what did the Mother bee say to her misbehaving bee son.
Beehive!
When Papa red wanted to have some toppings on his bread, he told Son red, "Pass me the crimson!"
Its hard being a teenage mother
Especially when you're a teenage male.
Who is a snake’s favorite actor?
Humphrey Boa-gart.
My friend explained how powerful (yet invisible) farts work via demonstration.
I was blown away by his transparency.
"Don't ever think I fell for you, or fell over you. I didn't fall in love, I rose in it."
― Toni Morrison, Jazz
Did you hear about the gorilla that was from Vietnam?
He was a viet kong.
What kind of donuts fly? Plain ones!
You’re so hot, you denature my enzymes.
Need an ark?
I noah guy.
Mushrooms always hate going to school. They feel inferior before the rest because they are always so spore-d.
My eye doctor’s office is at the shopping mall.
She’s an Opthemallogist.
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
I got my COVID-19 vaccine from a "doctor" who approached me in a downtown alley after midnight, offering it for $50 cash.
It was a shot in the dark, but I took it.
This weekend, I will watch a new Irish movie based on a marathon runner who only ate potatoes. It is called Starch Trek.
"I hate mornings, they start so early."
— Janet Evanovich
What does a panda use to cook his pancakes?
A pan duhhhh!