Why do people in Greece not wake up until noon?
Because Dawn is tough on greece.
“Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”
George Carlin
Two antennas got married – the wedding was lousy, but the reception was outstanding.
“This crisp winter air is full of it.” – John Burroughs
Why did the fox cross the road?
She was chasing the chicken.
I've never understood the fashion industry, those people are so clothes-minded.
What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
If a baby is born on a plane, i guess you could call it... airborn.
Why did the sloth get fired from his job? He would only do the BEAR minimum.
I think if Rome hadn't been built on a hill...
..it wouldn't have had such a fast decline.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
I don’t know how to spell beautiful. all I know is without u, it’s impossible.
I love all of your stratified layers!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Otto.
Otto who?
Otto know. I’ve got amnesia.
I surprised the judges at my last diving competition by performing a cannonball.
I made a huge splash.
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
Did you hear about the calendar thief? He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered
Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!
What movie perfectly describes the corona virus?
No country for old men.
You octopi my thoughts.
You know I'm da man you been wading for.
Should you plant flowers in any month besides April?
May as well!
Do you like vegetables because I love you from my head tomatoes.
"Another glass? Wine not?!"
When I was learning how to cook soups, my mum asked me to follow my instinct. She asked me to go with the pho.
What is the collective noun for cars?
Pack of cars.
Why are nuns such great sprint runners?
'Cause they're used to being chaste.
Hey Aria… Aria gonna give me your number?
On Halloween night, the walking dead clones
Shuffle around with mumbled grunts and groans
But have no fear
When they come near
They would rather die, than turn off their phones!
I went to a new kind of show yesterday, which was hosted by a color-changing lizard. He was a good stand-up chameleon.
Will you be the perimeter to my world?
Is your iPad making you fall asleep?
I can help—there’s a nap for that.
What gun does a military chef use?
A salt rifle.
There was a young lady named Perkins,
Who just simply lived on gherkins.
In spite of advice,
She ate so much spice,
That she ruined her internal working's.
What do you call an imaginary yacht?
A dream boat.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
Grandma: Do you like Hummus? Me: I love Hummus....and I sometimes like to singus!
What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can't refuse?
The Codfather.
What do you call a worm that chews up power cords? An electro-maggot.”
“I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. Nobody cares.”
Unknown
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
What do you get if you cross a wasp with a doorbell?
A hum-dinger!
Baby, if you were a fruit you'd be a Fineapple.
"Common sense is not a gift. It’s a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it."
Anonymous
I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, it's more like a wrap.
How does every Irish joke start?
By looking over your shoulder.
What did parietal say to frontal?
"I lobe you."
How can you tell if you are looking at a police glow worm? it has a blue light.
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!