What do tigers sing at Christmas?
Jungle bells! Jungle bells!
The man on the table found hair in his soup. He said in rage "I will take the chef to soup-reme court".
I got really good at telling them, so I’m being crowned the king of corona virus puns.
You’re all formally invited to attend my coronation.
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
My wife threatened to leave me if I didn't stop making monster puns.
So I guess our relationship might as well be ogre.
Don’t give into beer pressure.
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
How many limbs does an alligator have?
It all depends on what he ate for lunch, dinner and breakfast.
It’s raining cats and dogs outside.
I think I just stepped in a poodle.
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
What kind tree grows chickens?
Poultry.
I tried finding the dairy factory last night, but I had no luck. I must have lost my whey.
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila - Four.
Five tequila, six tequila, seven tequila - Floor.
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
I love driving my car, makes me feel like I'm charge of a big boat
especially when it's on cruise control
"Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is."
— P. J. O'Rourke
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
"Run. Because zombies will eat the untrained ones first."
From the Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide
Do you want to hear a joke about a bolt of lightning?
Actually, maybe not. The end is rather shocking.
What do you call an otter with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
What did the mother bread tell her baby roll? You really are the apple of my rye.
What do you call a cherry that is hard as nails? Tough as old fruits.
Today, I am eating a bun filled with pineapple and ham for my dinner. That is Hawaii roll.
Are you a model?
Last winter was so cold, I couldn’t stop telling my wife how much I glove her.
What do you call a fascist mosquito?
Benito Mosquitollini.
I just went to a fireworks shop and asked for their biggest bomb. They gave me a picture of you
I woke up this morning and saw two birds sitting in the sun in my backyard, eating ice cream.
They were Basking Robins.
What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato? Anything, just butter him up.
What did the earth say to all the other planets?
Wow you guys have no life.
We could make such a beautiful library together.
Toilet paper plays an important roll in my life, it would be pretty sh**ty without it.
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing? Lettuce all smile.
“I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.”
Steven Wright
Where do gorillas keep their beehives?
Apeiaries.
Why can't the Christmas tree stand up? It doesn't have legs.
While leaving, the peach friend told his sad buddy, "If you need any help, just peach out, I will be there."
If you take a dump on a stump...
Does that make it a toilet tree?
What did the happy kitten say? I’m feline good!
What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with an angry man? A kangryoo
A musical strawberry jam that knows how to play the trumpet is called Tooty fruity.
Why do the ladies love baseball?
Because diamonds are a girl's best friend.
A woman asks her neighbor, "Can I borrow your lawnmower?"
Her neighbor says, "No, he's not home yet"
Wish I was British so I could say "could you polish me nob?"
Why don’t people like grumpy vampires?
Because they have bat tempers.
What do you call it when witches are optimistic about the future?
Witchful thinking.
What do you call a cow that has 2 legs? Side of beef