"No eggs-cuses."
"The Vulture"
The Vulture eats between his meals,
And that’s the reason why
He very, very, rarely feels
As well as you and I.
His eye is dull, his head is bald,
His neck is growing thinner.
Oh! what a lesson for us all
To only eat at dinner!
– Hilaire Belloc
I was visiting my dear old Grandpa the other day when he said to me, "Let me give you a bit of advice. You can't make an omelette..."
"Without breaking eggs?" I finished for him.
"No. You can't make an omelette," he said, as he scraped it into the bin.
What do you call children who are born in a whorehouse?
Brothel sprouts.
What do they call the fairy in the Mexican version of Peter Pan?
Taco Bell.
Why is it so windy inside a stadium?
There are hundreds of fans.
If I could rearrange the alphabet...
I'd leave it the way it is.
A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called the SWAT team.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.
What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Frosted Flakes.
"Thanks a brunch for the meal!", said the punny man when he sat to eat.
Where do bananas go to learn to be sweet?
Sundae School.
You’re more special than relativity.
I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?
I'm not a fan.
I usually prefer cold weather, but only to a certain degree.
Wanna dance? I can really put your inertia in motion.
How do you repair a broken tomato? Tomato Paste!
Don’t go bacon my heart.
What do alligators call human children?
Appetizers.
Why did the painter take a dump on the floor?
It was the work of fart.
What’s black and white, black and white, and black and white?
A penguin rolling down a hill.
How do you know you’ve been visited by a possessed rabbit? He leaves deviled eggs.
I thought Lord Of The Flies was about entomology.
It really bugs me that it isn't.
What do you call a dog that’s been left outside in the cold?
A chili dog.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Butter.
Butter who?
I butter nut tell you.
Why are men like coffee? The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
“My bowl of soup must be cracked as it is all wet down here”. “Well, I guess it is because your soup has a leek in it.
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he tore off his hair,
And behaved like a bear,
That intrinsic Old Man of Peru.
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
What did the blanket say to the bed? Don't worry, I've got you covered!
I'm saving for a rainy day, so far I've collected a couple of raincoats, an anorak, and a dinghy.
What do you say when you want a kiss from a flower?
Plant one on me.
There was an old person of Troy,
Whose drink was warm brandy and soy,
Which he took with a spoon,
By the light of the moon,
In sight of the city of Troy.
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
"Know your worth, and then make sure to add tax."
Are you aware we are headed to the kissing gate?
Have you ever heard of the book "They Yellow River"?
It was written by I.P. Daily.
What do 99 percent of pigs ask for on their hamburgers? Piggles.
What do you call a rock that never goes to school?
A skipping stone!
What did the salt say after it was pepper-sprayed?
That's nothing to sneeze at.
“Dear Monday, my mama doesn’t like you and she likes everyone.”
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
What happens when you shatter your funny bone?
You crack up.
What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A blonde parade.
Are you a barista? I like you a latte
Want to show me how to make steamy greens?
Went to the toilet earlier and took a poo...
Not sure whose it was, but it's mine now.
Are you a trampoline? Because I want to bounce on you.
Are you the online order I placed a few days ago? Cause I’ve been waiting for you all day.