How do you count cows?
With a cowculator.

Hey girl. I won this gold medal, but I'd really like to win your heart.

I ordered the wrong kind of flowers online for Valentines Day.
Oops e-daisies.

I stopped my phones to the cloud, and I kept getting mist calls.

What did the deer say after she did her friend a favor?
“You doe me!”

Do you have a jersey? Because I need your name and number.

I’m o-fish-ally in love with you.

Why was the conservative buffalo disappointed in his child?
He was a bison.

Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Urine.
Urine who?
Urine trouble if you don’t answer the door.

Checked into a hotel and was offered the black & white or the rainbow room. I chose the rainbow one as I like a room with a hue.

Knock knock!

Who's there?

Honeydew.
Honeydew who?

Honeydew know who fine you're looking?

What time does the Wicked Witch have her clocks set to?
Greenwitch Mean Time.

What did the thief steal on the theatre's opening night? The spotlight.

So … do you run here often?

My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!

My wife was describing the pair of Toucans the zoo recently acquired.
I responded "You mean a four-can?"

"The Attraction of Levitation"

“Oh, dear!” said little Johnny Frost,
“Sleds are such different things!
When down the hill you swiftly coast
You’d think that they had wings;

“But when uphill you slowly climb,
And have to drag your sled,
It feels so heavy that you’d think
‘Twas really made of lead.

“And all because an Englishman,
Sir Isaac Newton named,
Invented gravitation, and
Became unduly famed;

“While if he had reversed his law,
So folks uphill could coast,
It seems to me he would have had
A better claim to boast.

“Then coasting would all pleasure be;
To slide up would be slick!
And dragging sleds downhill would be
An awful easy trick!”

– H. G. Paine

What dinosaur knows a lot of synonyms? A thesaurus.

Most of the knights of the round table of King Arthur were in their middle ages.

The perfume was very cheap.
It's price was in cents.

How did the little koala bear stop the movie? She hit the paws button.

What do butchers say after they meet someone new? “Mince to meat you.”

What did one water bottle ask the other water bottle?
Water you doing today?

I don’t know who became more famous, Sir Francis Bacon or his son
Chris P. Bacon

What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.

Why shouldn’t you iron a four-leaved clover?
You don’t want to press your luck.

I'm no Joseph. Perhaps you can help me interpreting the dreams I've been having about you?

“How did my driving test go? You could say I mailed it!”

If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you...
I'd start thinking about you.

It’s so cold the flames of our fire froze.

When does a hot dog have a close shave? At the barber-cue!

I’m like the smell of chlorine – I’ll never leave you.

Knock knock!

Who's there?

Aldo.

Aldo who?

Aldo anything for you.

Have you heard of the garlic diet? You don't lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner!

What happened to the vet that was accused of negligence? They were sued for meow-practice

What’s a farmer’s favorite piece of furniture?
a COWch.

What is a ghost pirate’s favorite kind of tea?
Boo tea!

I had a colonoscopy recently and believe it or not getting the camera up there doesn't hurt as much as you might think.
It's the crew that's the killer.

Do you use Spotify free? You should join my Premium Duo for all the features.

How do sheep greet each other during the holidays? Fleece Navidad!

"Room service? Send up a larger room."

Who is the best kung fu vegetable?
Brocc lee.

What do fish use for money?
Sand dollars!

It's been a while since I heard jokes about people sitting on wet morning grass.
They're over dew.

Sorry I took so long to call, I accidentally got lost in your eyes.

“Not everybody has to love me. I can’t force you to have good taste.”

What do you say to a twenty ton dinosaur with headphones on? Anything you want. He can't hear you.

What do you call a walnut in a narwal costume? A nar-walnut.

What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights.

Which fish is the most famous? The starfish.