What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
There was an announcement on the news the other day, we've finally achieved world peas.
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain
What is gray, hairy and lives on a mans face?
A mouse-tache!
Q: What is a cloud's favorite reptile?
A: A blizzard.
“Friends give you a shoulder to cry on. But best friends are ready with a shovel to hurt the person that made you cry.”
— Unknown
I need more than 140 characters to tell you how beautiful you are.
What dinosaur is always sad? Cryalotosaurus
How do you drown a blonde? Tape a mirror to the bottom of a pool.
The reason he went smiling all the way to the jail is because the judge sentenced him to a life behind chocolate bars.
You're so cute I could bottle you up in a mason jar.
You elevate checking out to a mystical event worthy only of gods and champions.
What did the cat say when something bad happened? That’s un-fur-tunate!
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
What is a dog’s favorite type of homework?
A lab report.
Have you heard about the chef on space station? He’s not that much of an astronaut, but his food is literally out of this world!
Why don't murderers often attend tea parties?
They prefer a casual tea.
What's a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?
I'd make like Jacob and work seven years for you to be my bride.
Are you a New Years resolution? Because we stopped working out after the first two weeks
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort.
What pickup line did the flower use on Tinder?
Are you a DAMNdelion?
What kind of candy is never on time? ChocoLATE
What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?
"Have you bean stalking me?"
Dark-colored huskies found in Colorado can also be termed as dusky huskies!
Knock knock
Who's there?
Elf
Elf who?
Elf me wrap this present!
You wanna score or just knock around some soccer balls?
Hey, how’ve you Ben?
While walking down the plains of the river, I lost my footing and got hit on my head. Now my head is swimming.
What do you call an overly cautious cup of tea?
Uncertaintea.
What did the grilled cheese sandwich say to their date?
“You make me melt.”
My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid
She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it.
I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth
What does a short sighted detective wear?
Suspectacles
What is a cat’s favorite song?
“Three Blind Mice.”
What do bony people use to get into their homes?
A skeleton key.
What do you call a witch's spotless garage?
A broom closet.
Someone said you were looking for me.
“You should always live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.”- Josh Billings
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
What type of fruit includes Barium and double Sodium? BaNaNa.
It’s so hot firecrackers light themselves.
Why should you make a cherry pie for someone that you miss? Because absence bakes the heart grow fonder.
What happened to the plane run by a computer?
It crashed.
What did the teenage crow want for his birthday? A brand new caw!
Why are geologists never hungry?
They lost their apatite.
I want to stick to you like glucose.
Why did the engineer cross the road?
Because he looked in the files, and that’s what they did last time.