What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate? A Kitty Kat bar!
Knock knock. Who's there? You're - You're who? - You're single!
Q: What do you get when you cross an Egyptian pharaoh with a mechanic?
A: Toot and Car Man.
There is one commonality between a magician and a soccer player. They both do hat tricks.
I had a tattoo of a Scorpion on my back last night and to tell the truth...
It stings like hell.
How did the beaver introduce his wife? This is my significant otter.
Are you a virus? ‘Cause I think you’re taking control over my body.
Does your dad own a chocolate factory? Because you are as sweet as chocolate.
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Can!
Can who?
Can I worm my way in to your house!
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
What did one raindrop say to the other? Two's company, three's a cloud
You must be a C major scale... All natural.
It’s so hot that my kite crashed and burned.
You are living proof that Australia was colonized by criminals, because it's 'criminal' how good you look.
What do you call the shirt a neurosurgeon wears to every brain surgery?
His specialty.
I saw a guy on the train holding a newspaper in front of his face.
He was behind The Times.
Why did the dinosaurs go extinct? Because they wouldn't take a bath!
A restaurant server was fired on his first day of work for taking a woman’s salad.
He thought the manager said “seize her salad”.
I’ve been meaning to make a list of bad railroad puns…but I keep getting side tracked.
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
What do you call a cat that works at a printing shop?
A copy cat.
Have you heard about the pig who killed his own farmer? He did it to save his bacon.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
What Happens If You Give a Politician Viagra?
They get taller.
You can donate blood to me anytime since you’re just my type.
A woman who gave birth in a tree was sent to jail
She was charged with treeson
How do you tell the difference between boys and girls?
Take their genes down.
There was a young fellow named Clyde,
who fell in an outhouse and died.
Along came his brother,
and fell in another,
and now they're interred side by side.
Do you know what would happen when you throw a Finnish sailor into the ocean?
Helsinki.
If you get married out on sea or in a boat...
is that a row-mance?
Is this a catch and release fishing session? Because I don't want to let you go.
My father and grandfather work for the DMV.
I come from a long line of long lines.
What do dog scientists to with their bones?
They barium.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Control freak.
Co…
You should say "Control freak who" now.
Just call me milk. I'll do your body good.
Q: What do you call a scary berry?
A: A boo-berry.
What do you call a solar powered keyboard?
A photosynthesiser
Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
Robert Benchley
“Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.”
― Bill Murray
My friend was killed by a 2 ton sack of falling chickpeas
The police verdict? Hummuscide.
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
How big is a clown's hard drive?
50 GiggleBytes
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one!”
— C.S. Lewis
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
How does a quarter moon always feel?
Crestfallen.
"I am the friend you have to explain to your other friends before they meet me."
— Unknown
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ireland!
Ireland who?
Ireland you money, if you promise to pay me back.
What has a neck but no head?
A bass.
I'm a good basketball handler, what about you?