“My favorite color is tangerine- isn’t that orange-inal?”
“Climbing to the top of the mountain is fun, but everything is just downhill from there.”
I was thinking about hopping in the shower...
But I realized that I might slip and hurt myself.
The ocean made me salty.
"It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle." - Unknown
What is a zombie’s favorite shampoo?
Head & Shoulders.
What stays in the corner and travels all over the world? A stamp.
Which cow has great pickup lines? A cow which is smooth as milk.
Why doesn’t the sun go to college? Because it has a million degrees!
Hey girl, I put the stud in Bible study.
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
What do you call a nut who loves the game of chess?
A chess-nut.
Thought I saw a zebra in a field near my house recently, turned out to be a horse in his pyjamas.
Just found a fly in my beer. I'm feeling buzzed.
“What turning forty means to me? I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home. I didn’t used to have to do that, but now I do.”
Tina Fey
What is one way to save money when you go to the lake?
Buy a “sale boat.”
There was a Young Lady whose nose,
Was so long that it reached to her toes;
So she hired an Old Lady,
Whose conduct was steady,
To carry that wonderful nose.
How old was the cave man on his birthday?
Stone Age.
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook"- Julia Child
You are like an electron and I am like a proton. And they say that opposites attract.
A mother catches her 12-year-old son smoking in the backyard...
"Jimmy, I can't believe this! Smoking is terrible for you, and you're so young!" Jimmy replies, "Don't worry mom, I only smoke when I'm drunk."
What’s small, furry and slightly purple? A koala holding its breath!
Why wouldn’t the papa bear use a navigation system in his truck?
Because he never lost his bearings.
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
What do baseball players eat their backyard BBQ on?
Home plates.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”
What do you call a shrimp hit by a car?
Road krill.
Can I have your last avocado?
Avocadon’t you dare.
How do you call stage diving at Oktoberfest?
Krautsurfing.
"Luck is a dividend of sweat. The more you sweat, the luckier you get."
~ Ray Kroc
She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.
We've reached the point of snow return.
You must be a fossil because I would love to date you.
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
Q: What does the tiger use to brush his mane?
A: A catacomb.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
When your putt lips out, what disease do you have?
Liprocy.
Boy: Oh I can't believe that Jesus is so sweet! Girl: Well that's because He's a life saver!
What birds like to write?
Penguins!
“Having those weird conversations with your friend and thinking “if anyone heard us, we’d be put in a mental facility.”
— Unknown
Why did the boy sprinkle sugar on his pillow before he went to sleep? So he could have sweet dreams. What do you call a nervous javelin thrower? Shakespeare.
Your hold on my heart is perennial, I’ll keep coming back always.
I'll make love to you if you want me to.
Did you hear about the angry pancake? He just flipped.
What type of window do donuts prefer in their homes?
Double glazed.
There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky
This much is plane to sea
How do blind folks buy homes in hot markets?
Sight unseen.
You must be a flip turn because I’m head over heels for you.
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis