The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
What did Jesus say when he rose from the dead on Easter Sunday?
April Fools! I'm not really dead!
My friend impresses girls by drawing realistic pictures of trucks. He's a pickup artist!
Why was the man who hung tennis equipment from his ears arrested?
He was found guilty of racket-ear-ring
What do you call a window that raps? 2PANEZ
What did the Clydesdale use to deal cards at the casino?
A horse-shoe.
Two bananas married without realising they were from the same tree.
They really split over it. It was a really slippery ordeal and peeled them apart.
How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?
I gave someone directions to a theater today
I guess I am a movie director now.
Did you hear about the geologist who went to jail?
He was charged with basalt and battery.
“The bags under my eyes are Prada.”
When is the best time to paint a dog?
When they're asleep.
Are you from Mars? ‘cuz I wanna explore you with curiosity?
What did mother werewolf say to the naughty boy werewolf?
- We're werewolves, not swear-wolves.
I used to get a nasty electric shock every time I touched something metallic. But thankfully I’m cured.
I’m ex-static!
What's the difference between a cat and a frog?
A cat has nine lives but a frog croaks every night.
"Mom look! I’m a 3D printer!"
"Ugh Tommy, close the door when you poop."
Four Battered In Fish And Chip Shop
“I meditate and do yoga. I sit cross-legged and try not to levitate too much.” – Jeremy Brett
A car company tried to make a submarine, but it kept surfacing too quickley
The crew got the Mercedes-Bends
What's more impressive than a talking fish?
A spelling bee.
Why did the ski instructor's love life always go downhill? The first thing the ladies noticed about him was his giant slalom.
Why can't mermaids use the letters A or B?
They only know what's below C level.
"I'm an Easter eggs-pert."
You may look a little older,
Sadly youth doesn't come cheap,
So skip all those Botox parties,
And just get your beauty sleep.
Be glad you're young at heart,
And still look as good as gold,
Too bad you're not a millionaire,
And can't put your looks on hold.
(Kevin Nishmas)
How does a bear get from one place to another?
On a bear-o-plane.
Ireland is a little lamb-boyant.
What do teenage deer do at slumber parties?
Truth or deer.
o my friend Justin was late for the football game.
But that’s okay because he arrived Justin time for kickoff.
“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” —George Bernard Shaw
Why couldn’t the cheese sleep?
He was scared there was a munster under the bed.
What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose? A collie-flower!
I have known you quite a while,
When you talk, you make me smile.
A special friend, I will probably keep,
If you buy me a cool jeep.
It’s your birthday, I nearly forgot,
Searched on-line, bought you squat.
Hope you don’t turn all bitter,
Since you’ve never been a quitter.
I nearly quit, writing this verse,
Mind is blank, it’s a curse,
Soon your party will be here,
If I wake up, I’ll surely appear.
(Martin Dejnicki)
What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
Why do referees always hurry to catch their next flight? Because it's "two
minutes 'fore boarding!"
My mom: son, why did I find "how to delete your history" in your history?
Me: because it was useless.
You must be a choir director, because you make my heart sing!
Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I Love All Pizza
Sausage ,Pepperoni, Or Cheese
Pizza Love
Its Forever
In My Heart
It Makes Life Better
Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I REALLY LIKE PIZZA
Sausage, Pepperoni, and Cheese.
(Camryn Noell)
When did the pianist finally turn their life around?
After they hit Rockbottomoff.
What's it called when a perfume climbs up the stairs?
Ascent.
The manager at the bread store told the baker that he had to stop loafing around. The baker said that it was his job.
I saw a sign on the bus the other day.
It said "please give this seat to the elderly."
So I ripped it out and took it home for my grandad
My teacher told me in History class to do some light reading on the history of the light bulb.
What do squirrels eat at the fair?
A-corn dog.
I like rivers very much. I was watching a live stream earlier.
My friends say that I cannot cook alphabet soup for this dinner. And now they are eating their words.
Hey girl, are you a pulmonary embolism?
Because you're making me breathless.
You want to hear the best rock puns? Give me a moment and I’ll dig something up.
My mother always laughed at me when I told her my dream was to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should of seen her face when I drove pasta.
You are my belongingness to my Maslow's Humanistic Theory based on the Hierarchy of needs.