What's the difference between a peeping tom and somebody getting out of a bath?
One is rude and nosy, the other is nude and rosy.
What breed of dog will laugh at any joke?
A Chi-ha-ha
Excuse me, there has been a heartbreak incident and I need your number to solve it.
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
Want to hear a joke about weather?
Actually, never mind. I'll just save it for a rainy day.
Every book has some flaws and mistakes, no matter how good the editor. It’s bound to happen.
The bread actor was sad because he lost a juicy roll.
Wow, I was just wishing for a soulmate Anna minute later, we matched. What are the chances?
When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
I needed to add some grass seeds to my lawn. The only thing I could find to keep the seeds out of my flower bed was some ceramic bunnies my wife had, so I used those as a barrier.
Please don't make fun of my re-seeding hare line.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
I saw an egg behaving oddly today.
It was probably just a bit egg-centric.
What type of keys does the gingerbread man unlock his door with? cook-keys!
Saw Humpty Dumpty shopping for Halloween supplies.
He's going to have a great fall.
Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? To get chocolate milk.
What gun does a military chef use?
A salt rifle.
What do you call a fake Nokia? A phone-y of course.
I don’t know who became more famous, Sir Francis Bacon or his son
Chris P. Bacon
I ate an omelette for breakfast…
but I’m still feeling peckish.
Why do worms hate graveyards?
They keep bumping into skeletons!
What do you call a well-dressed ant?
Eleg-ant.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he ate his soup before it was cool.
Are you fossil? Because I want to date you!
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
When you push a strawberry down a hill, you make a strawberry turnover.
Past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
You’re my soul Santa.
They can prohibit my alcohol, you intoxicate me enough.
What do you get when you mix a sheep and a kangaroo
A wooly jumper
I slept with a lemon once. Now I have lemonaids.
The next round the wolf showed up at the butchery, he was arrested. This is because he was being tracked by the police for chop lifting.
What do we get when we cross a Christmas tree with an apple? We will have a pine – apple!
What kind of cake do you get at a cafeteria?
A stomach-cake!
He was showing off his new gaming gadget, "it has the latest peach recognition technology" he said.
Did you know that Beethoven's favorite fruit
Ba Na Na Naaa...Ba Na Na Naaa...
I was asked why I love to clean lemon juice from windows, to which I replied
“It’s easy peasy lemon squeegee.”
What did the deer say to her friend when she needed assistance?
“Could you doe me a favour?”
I forgot my reusable bag, can I borrow one of yours?
It is ridiculous having a basketball team that lacks a website. Do you mean none of them can string three W’s together?
Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
"Run like hell and get the agony over with."
Clarence DeMar
Q: What did the tree say to the wind?
A: Leaf me alone
What do you call the greatest cheese to every live on the earth? Legen-dairy!
My wife: Oh look, here's instructions on building a carpenter bee trap.
Me: Shouldn't they be able to do that themselves?
What's so special about twitter alphabet soup? It only has 140 letters.
Excuse me! Do you know where’s the Victoria's Secret shop in this mall? You look like one of their models!
Water you doing, my friend?
Q. What can a buck take after a night of drinking at a stag party?
A. Elk-a-seltzer.
Why do Penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they haven’t got any pockets.