At the end of the year, there is always a rock n’ bowl concert where everyone gets entertained.
"Lose an hour in the morning and you will spend all day looking for it." — Richard Whately
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas Adams
"Summer does mean no school for my children. Hey, who doesn’t deserve a three-month break after a rigorous year of kindergarten?"
– Jim Gaffigan
“Old” is when the porn movie you bring home is “Debby Does Dialysis.”
What does a bee use to brush it's hair ?
A Honeycomb.
What pickup line can you use to pick up a cheese lover?
“Are you cheddar? ‘Cause you’re lookin’ sharp!”
Singular: One mango
Plural: Two menwent
My cranium is empty. I'm running bone-dry here.
Are you tinsel? Because I want you all over my tree.
What goes dot, dot, dash, squeak?
Mouse code!
What do gorillas and orangutans wear in the kitchen?
Ape-rons.
What did the little mountain say to the bigger mountain?
Hi, Cliff!
Expand your mind. Get
To work. Better yet, put your
Feet up. Watch TV.
The public investigated a box full of crows because it was a murder case.
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
Due to bad weather, I won't be attending the Meteorology Convention.
I'm gonna take a rain-check.
Corn mazes should be renamed Maize mazes.
Why do vikings have barcodes on their ships?
Its so they can scan-de-navien
Why did the worker get fired from the orange juice factory?
“Lack of concentration.”
What is a cow’s favorite lunch meat?
Bullogna.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
What did the big stag deer say to the hunter?
“Buck off, man!”
What do you call a three-eyed tiger?
A tiiiger.
What did the deer tell his buddy before he took a test?
“Good buck!”
You are the best, I feel so peachy when I am with you!
“Money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy plants, and that’s the same thing.”
— Anonymous
What can a whole orange do that half an orange can never do?
“Look round!”
The painter did not want to sit idle because he knew that time white for no one.
Are you a phone? Because I want to hold you in my hands all day and ignore the rest of the world while I stare at you alone in my bedroom.
A wife walked into the bedroom and found her husband in bed with his golf clubs. Seeing the astonished look on her face, he calmly said, "Well, you said I had to choose, right?"
When is a black dog not a black dog?
When it’s a Greyhound.
Q: What do you call a gust of wind that blows a tall guys onto a basketball court?
A: The NBA draft
What did the orange say when a knife pierced it’s peel? Flesh wound.
There's a new erectile dysfunction medicine on the market
Its called mycoxaflopin
Julius Caesar
But Julius is too shy to talk to her
The peach was late for work because it had to make some pit stops on the way.
It’s so cold mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears.
There was a young lady named Perkins,
Who just simply lived on gherkins.
In spite of advice,
She ate so much spice,
That she ruined her internal working's.
Are you a carbon sample? Because I want to date you.
Funny facts about Google users:
50% of people use Google well as a search engine.
The rest 50% of them use it to check if their internet is connected
Hey girl, I've been warming up this bench for you my whole life.
What do you call a murder where the perp runs away on a bicycle?
A drive bike shooting
Is there a magnet in here because I'm really attracted to You.
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
What do whales do when they get angry?
They blow up and then let off steam.
Skier: Doc, I think I'm addicted to skiing at Loveland Ski Are
Shrink: You may be going down a slippery slope. Do you feel a divide?
Who would win in a fight between a kangaroo and a zebra?
The zebra. Because he has so many black belts.
What do you call a militia of pigeons?
A coo.