I always take a dump at 11:59 PM. That way, when the clock strikes midnight it’s the same sh**, different day.
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour. So, when would you like to start?"
"Could I start In three months?"
Did you check the news? There was a Radon the chemical store.
You know what really bugs me?
Insect puns.
Do you like the internet? Because I can put you on there if you come back to my place.
“If you’re searching for that one person that will change your life, take a look in the mirror.”
I wish your name was Avogadro because then I would already know your number.
“Medidation, because some questions can’t be answered by Google.” — Inner Balance Wear
I have the final sleigh.
My teen daughter was sent home from school for covid exposure.....
She’s now my quaranteen.
What do you call a guy with an ear fetish.
Hard for hearing.
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
Why are there so many ruts in the ice at the rink?
The maintenance crew must be slipping up.
Which soccer position does a Ghost play? Ghoulkeeper, of course.
When my daughter said she saw some chubby unicorns at the zoo, I couldn’t believe it. But it turns out it was just rhinos.
"Are you a witch because you sure got me spellbound."
- Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Programmer:
A machine that turns coffee into code.
I think we're mint to be!
Is a goat that eats office supplies on a staple diet?
Roses are red, violets are blue,
White wine costs less than a dinner for two.
Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.
What did the dolphin detective say to his partner?
Something smells fishy!
Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!
An astronaut did a huge crime. He broke the law of gravity and hence, got a suspended sentence.
It is October and there are still leaves on trees. I am very corn-fused!
Where do skeletons go hang out at night?
Anywhere, as long as it's a hip joint.
I have some extra chairs in my garage for emergency seat-uations.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Want.
Want who?
Want, who ... three, four, five!
I always feel like a winner in France, which is great because I hate Toulouse.
Why was the realtor upset with his truck driver client one day?
The client wanted a house with really long haul ways.
It’s so hot everyone is wearing sweat pants.
If I was a planet and you, my moon! I’d stop spinning just by looking at you.
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
What do you get when you spell gibberish backwards?
Gibberish.
One Saturday morning at three
A cheese-monger’s shop in Paree
Collapsed to the ground
With a thunderous sound
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
Which Bible Character is a locksmith?
Zaccheus.
When are you going to invite me to church?
What is it called when a snowman has a temper tantrum?
A meltdown!
I must be a litmus paper, and you must be acid. Because every time I come into contact with you, I turn all red.
It’s the most wonderful time for a beer.
There once was a vicar at Kew
Who kept his pet cat in a pew.
He taught it to speak
alphabetical Greek,
but it never got farther than µ.
"Bugs and hisses."
What is better than a physics joke?
A meta physics joke.
Tomatoes are red, roses are red too. We both know what I truly love is you.
What separates humans from dolphins?
The surface of the water.
When does a brain get afraid?
When it loses its nerve.
I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."
Are you related to the sun? Because running into you just brightened up my day!
I think you're mer-mazing.
Have you heard of the knight whose enemies were always lurking near him and following him? That knight went by the name of Sir Rounded.