Why did the bus stop in the middle of the street? It saw a zebra crossing.
I’d like to tell you folks a joke about paper, but It’s tearable.
What do you call a potato that’s reluctant to jump into boiling water? A hesi-tater.
“Fact. Pisces is the most wobbly sign of the zodiac.”
— Mary English
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
What do cows like to eat for lunch?
Moo-shroom soup
It’s so cold that I’m breathing out snowflakes!
German Wi-Fi is the WURST.
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
A young gourmet dining at Crewe,
Found a rather large mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter, Don't shout,
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one, too.
I'm willing to lower my standards if you're going on a date with me.
What kind of materials do dinosaurs use for the floor of their homes? Rep Tiles
What do you call a talking kangaroo?
A quantum leap.
Are you at the Chanel store? Because you are way too fancy for me.
Phil told me about what lights up a light bulb.
But I didn’t know what Phil-a-meant.
I’m totally in shape. Round is a shape.
The Second World War was very slow because they were Stalin.
“I love when candy canes are in mint condition.”
What do you call Chewbacca when he has chocolate stuck in his hair? Chocolate Chip Wookiee.
Q. Which book makes virgin gorillas blush?
A. The Naked Ape.
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
What instrument never fails to energize a crowd?
An electric guitar.
What’s the only fruit that never gets lonely?
A pear.
Why do owls make such bad baseball players?
Their hits are always fowl.
“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”
- Mark Twain.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
Two Karens are out having dinner
The waiter stopped by their table and said "Is anything ok?"
You're like a dictionary - you add meaning to my life!
A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
It is not really much about how you bowl, but instead how you roll.
Why are we only concerned about snowmen not snowwomen?
Because only men are stupid enough to stand out in the snow without a coat.
Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust.
How does one raindrop ask another out? Water you doing tonight?
When I log my run in my journal today, it will say I ran with my future wife today.
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
There was an Old Person of Cromer,
Who stood on one leg to read Homer;
When he found he grew stiff,
He jumped over the cliff,
Which concluded that Person of Cromer.
Julius Caesar
But Julius is too shy to talk to her
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.
Why did the vampire refuse to eat his eggs?
Because they were sunny side up!
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
I was wondering if you like science because I have had my ion you for some time.
What did the tree say after someone hit it? We should really call the copse.
Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever?
Julius Sneezer.
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye?
A do-you-think-he-saur-us.
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.
What do penguins drink during the summer?
Iced tea.
What’s the name of the gardener’s favorite show? Lawn and order.