Where does a snowman keep his money?
In a snow bank.
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
“The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters." ~Jean-Paul Kauffmann
With the nice warm weather last weekend, a neighbor was enthusiastically diggin' in the dirt planting his garden!
He was so excited about it, he wet his plants.
Q: What do you get when you cross an Egyptian pharaoh with a mechanic?
A: Toot and Car Man.
I once pranked my mom and told her that I had lyme disease
I still had a few ticks up my sleeve
“I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. Nobody cares.”
Unknown
How do werewolves eat lunch?
They wolf it down.
What’s a bats favorite desert?
I-Scream!
“Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” – Benjamin Franklin
What’s an orca’s favorite TV show?
Whale Of Fortune.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It didn’t work.
Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
Because if had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Annie
Annie who?
Annie one you like!
Why don’t most people enjoy jokes about taco shells?
They’re too corny
I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts I won’t lie, it was a Rocky Road.
Do you know why no one has ever been sentenced for crimes committed on the moon?
Because it's a gray area.
You must be a narrative hook. Because you’re stuck in my mind.
Jedi Mind Trick: "This is the geek you're looking for." waves hand.
What do they call the Hunger Games in France?
Battle Royale with Cheese.
“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford
Did you just swallow a magnet? Because I’m so attracted to you right now.
What was the Peach's favorite surf band from the 60's? The Peach Boys.
May you be granted no memory,
Of the people you wished took a hike,
May your luck hold out for decades,
Bringing you only the folks you like.
May your eyes never fail you,
When you need to tell the difference,
May your walker go from zero to 60,
So you could stay at a safe distance.
(Kevin Nishmas)
“There should be a rule against people trying to be funny before the sun comes up.”
– Kristen Chandler
What did the guy at the party say when he realized there was nothing left to dip his tortilla chip in?
“I’ve hit guac bottom.”
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
Why don’t koalas like fast food? Because it’s too hard for them to catch.
What kind of work do pigs do after school?
Hamwork.
Peas excuse how bad this pun is.
Did you hear about the guy who killed a group of catholic crows?
It was Mass murder
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
You must be regulated by the FDA because you treat, cure, and prevent my broken heart.
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
What does a cow ride when his car is broken?
A COW-asaki MOO-torcycle.
Everyone knows The Beatles, but do you know The Laundry Beatles?
It's members are Paul McCottoney, John Linen, Ringo Starch ... And George Harrison.
Have you heard about the new band located in the north east of england?
They're called Durham Durham.
Are you a 45-degree angle, because you’re perfect.
Which hand should we use to stir the soup? It is better to stir the soup with a spoon!
What music are balloons scared of? Pop music
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
This flu season, doctors are recommending you wipe your throat down with tissues.
Apparently they're synonymous with clean necks.
Which cranial nerve would be right at home in a well-known city in Nevada?
The vagus nerve.
What kind of celebration pays down the national debt? A tea party.
I need more than 140 characters to tell you how beautiful you are.
Honey if I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put the letters "DON'T LOVE" in between I and U
Why don’t fairies live under toadstools?
Because there’s not mushroom in the enchanted forest.
Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?
Because he only dated mummies.
Listen, I’ve got a couple important questions and I really need Samanthas
I’m feeling a little blue, do you think you could help al-Levi-ate my pain with a good date?