When you go with an army general onto a bowling alley, he will start bowling even before you enter his name on the scoreboard.
Pumpkin Spice and Everything Nice
What's it called when a perfume climbs up the stairs?
Ascent.
What did Detective Duck say to his partner?
“Let’s quack this case.”
Wow, you’re gorgeous. I’m definitely in Awe-stin of you.
How does Italy execute its criminals?
Guidotine.
When the rainbow decided to speak out at the meeting of all weathers, someone said 'Look hue's talking.'
“The smallest snowstorm on record took place an hour ago in my back yard. It was approximately two flakes. I waited for more to fall, but that was it.”
― Richard Brautigan
We make a great pear
"I'm so egg-cited for Easter."
It says right here that this frozen pizza is enough for two.
What did the skeleton say to his girlfriend?
- Will you marrow me?
Did you hear about the rabbit who refused to leave her house? She was having a bad hare day.
Are you on the endangered species list cause baby you are one of a kind!
All the toilets in the police station have disappeared and they are asking for witnesses.
They currently have nothing to go on.
What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.
Asked my son what his favourite thing about Popeye was.
He said, "Forearms."
I said, "No, he only has two."
Why is it harder for Orange Juice to slide across a floor than apple juice?
Pulp Friction.
"Bugs and hisses."
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
Is your name Pepsi? Because you sure are sizzling.
I meditate about you. Will you do the same too?
Are electrons pessimistic or optimistic?
Obviously pessimistic, they are always negative!
What do sophisticated fish drink? Salt-Tea.
The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. Once.
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
Which channels do the asteroids like to watch? The comet-y channel.
Why did the college football team stop smoking
They lost all their matches.
Why is pumpkin pie so much better than sweet potato pie?
Sweet potatoes are ungourdly.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Tentacles.
Oh me, oh Jeremiah, that is one great face you have there
It’s party thyme.
“It is better to have one person working with you than three people working for you.” — Dwight D. Eisenhower
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve noble gases here."
Helium doesn't react.
What did the cow who barged the other cow say?
Moo-ve!
How do you kill a blonde? Give her a gun and say it's a hair drier.
Have you guys tried kangaroo beer?
It’s a little hoppy.
What happens when you cross an Australian dog and a Beatle?
Dingo Starr.
I once had my identity stolen by a cement truck driver. It took me ages to track him down, but now I have concrete evidence.
Why does it take so long for the EU to figure out how much Italy owes them every year?
Hey, ease up. Rome wasn't billed in a day.
“Swiss cheese differs from Camembert by better ventilation.”
― Unknown
The police hung up the phone call when I informed them about a murder in my front yard. They said they could not do anything regarding the crows.
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
If you have a line of 100 rabbits in a row and 99 of them take 1 step backwards, what do you have? A receding hare line.
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
“A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.” — William C. Feather
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
Q: What did the young Pharaoh say when it got frightened?
A: Where's my mummy!!