Some people think prison is one word… but to criminals it’s the whole sentence.

It’s pretty easy to choose your favorite type of bird
Flamingos have a leg up on all the rest.

I just pooped in my bed. Can I sleep in yours?

Date a soccer player. We can go for 90 minutes and know 11 different positions.

I'm attracted to you so strongly, scientists will have to develop a fifth fundamental force.

Alzheimer's Center Prepares For An Affair To Remember.

Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.

What do you call a gingerbread man with one leg bitten off?
Limp Bizkit.

Did you hear about the cow that was lifted into the air by a tornado? It was an udder disaster!

The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Al Gore

Don't worry, bee happy!

Let’s show Potassium and water that the two of us can make a more energetic reaction together than them!

What type of fish do two sodium atoms make?
2Na.

Are you that note I messed up? Because I can’t stop thinking about you.

Are you sugar? Because I want you in everything I have.

What did the boyfriend mouse say too the girlfriend mouse family? Mice too meet you.

Dang, girl. You're a fielder's choice.

Shamrocks and shenanigans for all!

What do you call a rental car in Spain?
A Barceloaner.

What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.

What do you think
The bravest drink
Under the sky?”
“Strong beer,” said I.

“There’s a place for everything,
Everything, anything,
There’s a place for everything
Where it ought to be:
For a chicken, the hen’s wing;
For poison, the bee’s sting;
For almond-blossom, Spring;
A beerhouse for me.”

“There’s a prize for everyone,
Everyone, anyone,
There’s a prize for everyone,
Whoever he may be:
Crags for the mountaineer,
Flags for the Fusilier,
For English poets, beer!
Strong beer for me!

(Robert Graves)

You knead me in your loaf. This one kind of works, but loaf is just a little too different from life.

“When Chuck Norris does yoga, the sun salutes him.” – Unknown

Sorry, But You Owe Me A Drink. Well, When I Saw You, I Dropped Mine.

Why did the Sugar Maple have to go to the dentist? It really needed a root canal.

Where do vegetables keep their money?
In the credit onion.

Why are flamingos the happiest birds? They live with no reggrets.

When you see something red that goes up and down, chances are it is a strawberry in an elevator.

If Messier retires he's sure to be moosed.

Why was the skeleton scared of the baby?
Because he was an ankle biter.

What did the fawn who wanted to be a child forever say?
“I don’t want to doe up!”

I just can't take the bad s*x anymore.

You are so beautiful that you made me forget my pick up line.

During the cold war all the countries involved went into hibernation.

I banged my bike against the wall today. it was wheelie unfortunate.

A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”

You are just like my car because you drive me crazy.

So I asked Satan if he had any milk I could drink...
He told me "No whey in Hell!"

Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
He couldn't a fjord a new one.

What did Prince leave on the neck of his guitar?
Finger prince.

"I need 6 months of vacation. Twice a year."

A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called the SWAT team.

Where do geologists like to relax? In a rocking chair Why are geologists good at stand up comedy? They know really dirty jokes.

I wanted to do some research on organs in biology, but I had no WiFi and couldn't find the information I wanted.
I wound up using cellular.

The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Etch.
Etch who?
Bless you.

I just lost my job and may be Baroque, but that doesn't mean I can't show you a good time.

Wife: I’m sick and tired of your obsession with golf!
Husband: Why, is it driving a wedge between us?

The skeleton ordered a cabernet wine with a full body because he didn't have one.

Blue and green stopped fighting because they had agreed on peace teal.