What is an ogre's favorite snack?
Y-ogre-t.
I really liked learning about displacement in Physics.
It's pretty straight to the point.
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
I used to work at a nut farm
The work conditions were great but the salary was peanuts
What is a polar bear’s favorite food?
Iceberg lettuce and snow peas.
What do you call dumb jokes at the beach?
Comic sands.
I like dillos, but do not support giving them guns.
I would never armadillo.
Q: When does a doctor get mad?
A: When he runs out of patients!
My friend once used laughing gas as deodorant.
He smelled funny the whole day.
You’re sledding a fine line there.
What does a Turkish kid say to his mom when he needs to do chores in the summer:
I dont’t wanna do it, it’s sho warm ma!
"I’m so hot that I contribute to global warming."
“A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.” — Zig Ziglar
Hey I am like a Rubik's cube the more you play with me the harder I get!
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
Are you WiFi?
Because I can feel the connection between us.
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinselitis!
If you were a tree, you'd be an evergreen, because I bet you look this good year-round.
"Run. Because zombies will eat the untrained ones first."
From the Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend. There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
“Spring, salad, shallot, picked”, said a friend. He knows his onions.
What does a heartbroken zombie say?
- I just want zombodie to love.
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
What is a Ghost’s favourite toy to play with? Leg-oooooooooooooooo!
“I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died” — Malcolm Forbes
I will always cherish my initial misconceptions of you.
What type of dog chases anything red?
A bull dog.
“Someone asked me why women don’t gamble as much as men do, and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don’t have as much money. That was a true and incomplete answer. In fact, women’s total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.” – Gloria Steinem
I have six eyes, two mouths and three ears, what am I?
Ugly.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
Have you heard about the guy who stole a truck carrying supplies of disinfectant? Police say he made a clean getaway.
Which underwear does King Tut wear?
Fruit of the tomb!
You make me wanna go inside your wine cabinet and pull myself out a stiff one.
If you want to wish a 'Merry Christmas' to a strawberry, just say, "Straw-berry Christmas!'"
Where's the best place to get information about eggs?
The hen-cyclopedia.
“Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income – which he then spends sending his son to college.” — Bill Vaughn
There was an Old Person of Leeds,
Whose head was infested with beads;
She sat on a stool,
And ate gooseberry fool,
Which agreed with that person of Leeds.
I don't bite you know - unless it's called for.
"I orchestrate my mornings to the tune of coffee."
– Terri Guillemets
I am cocoa-nuts about you.
How did the gorilla know she was poorly? She had a belly ape.
What type of tool does a prehistoric reptile carpenter use? A dino-saw!
Honey, are you a drummer? Because you can make my heart skip a beat.
What is the healthiest fruit?
“An orange. It takes Vitamin See!”
What’s ET short for?
So he can fit in the spaceship!
Husband: "These pears a perfect right now."
Me: "Would you say they're 'pear-fect'?"
I got punched in the mouth by a drug addict today.
Now my jaw’s all methed up.
"The British soldier can stand up to anything except the British War Office."
~ George Bernard Shaw
I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing but this is as close as I could get.
What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are at the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.