What did the gorilla wear when he was cooking in the kitchen?
An ape-ron
Q. What can a buck take after a night of drinking at a stag party?
A. Elk-a-seltzer.
It's foolish for humans to try and take back the planet of the apes
Since they are incredibly good at gorilla warfare.
What did one raindrop say to the other? Two's company, three's a cloud
What is red and goes putt, putt, putt? An outboard apple.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
Why do turtles never forget?
Because they have turtle recall.
Why do ghouls like ice cream?
Because it’s ghoulilicous!
Your smile is like a supernova. Brighter than anything in the universe.
Can I have your number so I can call when I need a ride to your heart?
"Don’t stay in bed unless you make money in bed." ~ George Burns
Who brings the monsters their babies?
Frankenstork.
There once was a girl named Sue.
She came down with the case of the flu.
She let out a sigh,
"My temperature is high,
what ever shall I do?
Oh my! Oh my!
I think I will die.
What ever shall I do?"
So, she stumbled out of bed.
"I know I'll take some meds.
If this the flu,
I take an aspirin or two.
Then I'll drink some broth and some juice.
Oh my! Oh my!"
she began to cry.
"I think this is acute."
So, she grumbled back to bed
and pulled the covers over her head.
She let out a sneeze,
a cough and a wheeze.
"Won't someone help me, please?
Oh my! Oh my!
Will I survive
the case of the crazy flu?"
So, she finally fell asleep.
She slept and slept for a week.
She tossed and turned,
her symptoms have passed.
Her temperature normal at last.
"Oh my! Oh my!
I think I survived
this case of the crazy flu."
“Yoga. Because punching people is frowned upon.” — Anonymous
“Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.”
– Samuel Butler
How does Frankenstein eat his dinner?
He bolts it down.
"I always say “Morning” instead of “Good Morning”. If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people."
– Unknown
I'll make love to you if you want me to.
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
Jim Carrey
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
Mushrooms always hate going to school. They feel inferior before the rest because they are always so spore-d.
Why are lemons safer than limes?
There’s no such thing as lemon’s disease.
Vegetarians can't eat anything with beans in. They don't eat food with a pulse.
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
"A Parent’s Prayer"
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I’m pretty sure I’ll lose my mind.
I pray I find a little quiet,
Far from the daily family riot.
May I lie back and not have to think
About what they’re stuffing down the sink,
Or who they’re with, or where they’re at
And what they’re doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)
To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish–dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)
And that I need not cook or clean
(well heck, I’ve got the right to dream)
Yes, now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,
But as I look around I know,
I must have lost them long ago!
– David Axton
Hot dog, I love a good meat pun.
How did Pavlov get such great hair?
He conditioned it.
Why are burgers bad at telling jokes? Because they all are cheesy.
I saw a fruit running from the police recently
It was a water felon.
Why don’t people like grumpy vampires?
Because they have bat tempers.
What do you call a cup of leaf juice that doesn’t want to be a dad?
Absent-tea parent.
I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."
Don't fork-get your manners.
I'm having a sale in my bedroom. My clothes are 100% off.
What do you say when the beach asks you to walk on it?
Shore
Circumcision Now Seen As Pointless.
Where do squirrels go when they have a nervous breakdown?
To the nut-house.
What does a mountain often do at its daily meal? It avalunch.
I didn’t know you could vape a chocolate bar until my wife told me to stop inhaling them.
I'm fondue you, it's true
I have a flamingo friend who has a fantastic imagination, but they are always indulging in flights of fancy.
I wanted to tell a knife joke to my friend
But it just won't cut it.
What does a couch say to another couch at the other side of the room?
We are sofa apart!
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish?
Swimming trunks!
A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.
When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.
“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.
After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.
Interested, he replies, ”Sure!”
At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”
In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.
And there’s him lying naked on the couch.
"ah..." he says. "Surprise?"
Ravens fans are so tough....they hang out in crowbars.
Baby, I would trade the entire candy bar in the world for you.
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
The football won’t be the only thing spiked at this party.
It’s so cold the rats in the alley were bribing the cats for a snuggle.