Did you hear about the rabbit who refused to leave her house? She was having a bad hare day.
"It isn't good to keep things bottled up."
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft
A Duct-ape.
Why do squirrels like to sit on telephone poles?
To stay away from the nuts on the ground.
We all have that one vegan friend.... I said to mine,"Do you have to mention vegetables every time you open your mouth?"
She said, "Not neccecelery."
I cannoli be happy
Blood is red, cyanosis is blue, I get tachycardia when I think of you!
You are my loop condition. I keep coming back to you.
"Exclamation!"
I have a strange addiction,
It often sets off sparks!
I really cannot seem to stop,
Using exclamation marks!
They appear when I am writing!
Even in a shopping list!
If I don’t put one at the end
I feel something’s been missed!
It started as a positive!
It made people feel happy!
But now, I fear, it may bring tears!
It makes my teacher snappy!
Exclamation marks (!!!)
Can show how to command,
They show when things are exciting!
Or getting out of hand!
As you can see this problem,
Is one I now must end.
But, I can’t help but feel, maybe,
The question mark’s my friend?
(Anyone heard of the interrobang?!)
– Fiona Halliday
What does a gladiator say when leaving after an intimate embrace with a woman?
Gladiator out
Brace yourselves kids!
Our dentist is shutting down.
Being shellfless entails volunteering at the relief center during disaster.
Baby, meeting you was better than an NHL lockout ending.
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
When in France, I have Nantes-thing to complain about.
When you accidentally step on a cheerio, you become a cereal killer.
Scientists transformed a tiger into a horse.
Don't worry, it's in a stable condition.
I heard Frozen University is banning anyone who got the COVID vaccine from returning for the spring quarter
I guess if you get vaccinated you won’t be headed to the ICU.
Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
The apple says to the pineapple “What? Go out with you tonight? It will not happen in a million years!” Since then, we have a crushed pineapple.
“I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” —Jon Stewart
You are really talented. You should join a punk-croc band.
How about we drop the gloves and go at it?
If I had a dime for every time I saw a BMW turn without signaling, I could buy a BMW.
What is a cheese’s favorite kind of philosophy?
Epistemology and fetaphysics.
“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.”
Yogi Berra
Do you know why an octopus is so good at Football?
It gets ten tackles a play.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Butter
Butter who?
Butter get an umbrella, it looks like it's going to rain!
What is a newborn mothers favorite song? Silent night!
What explorer was the best at Hide and Seek?
Marco Polo.
I find bone puns very
Humerus.
The difference between a GEEK and a NERD.
Geek: "May the force be with you!"
Nerd: "May the force be equal to the mass multiplied by acceleration."
"
What kind of writer did the ghost hire to write his biography? A ghostwriter, duh.
When strawberries, blueberries or blackberries meet another berry they like and want to get married who do they go see?
The marionberry
Where do you imprison a naughty skeleton?
A rib cage.
Heard about the devoted beaver who crossed the turbulent river? He took a leap of faith!
What did the tree tell the drill? You bore me.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
I was reading the book of numbers yesterday, and I realized I don’t have yours.
What kind of cheese protects a castle?
Moat-zarella.
There was an old person of Troy,
Whose drink was warm brandy and soy,
Which he took with a spoon,
By the light of the moon,
In sight of the city of Troy.
What did the pizza say when it asked the topping out on a date?
I never sausage a beautiful face.
Why do math teachers love parks so much?
Because of all the natural logs.
“All my life I thought air was free until I bought a bag of chips.”
― Unknown
Oh my beloved belly button.
The squidgy ring in my midriff mutton.
Your mystery is such tricky stuff:
Why are you so full of fluff?
(Richard Leavesley)
What do you call Dragon with no silver?
A dron.
---
You think dinosaurs are scary?
Imagine dragons!
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
We like rough sets. As long as you practice safe sets, there isn’t a problem.
It’s so cold my shadow ended up freezing on the sidewalk.