Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
Why did the donut start going to therapy? It couldn’t get over the feeling that something was missing — it never felt hole!
My d**k is committed to you, but my heart is not.
Tell me of this thing you humans call... (dramatic pause) love.
My roommates insist that our house is haunted
I’ve lived here for 274 years and never once met a ghost.
If I got a star for every time I thought of you, I would have a whole galaxy.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite rap artist?
Feta wap.
What do you get when you plant a Donut?
A pastree.
What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
Your mother ate us out of house and home.
I had a traumatic experience with peas. I even had to go to thera-pea.
Wife: would you get me those two cans from the top shelf?
Me: I don't see any toucans in here.
What did the WiFi router say when it was unplugged?
"Tell my wifi love her
When I went to my favorite Irish cafe after years, I felt deja brew all over again.
Why did the blonde put sugar on her bed? Because she wanted sweet dreams!
The one time of the day when knights are willing to work is during the knightshift.
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
GF - I'm sorry babe but I've cheated on you.
BF - I'm sorry as well, I've also cheated on you.
GF - April fools day!
BF - Mine was on the 24th of March.
Why do grizzlies never look sad?
Because whenever there’s a problem, they just grin and bear it.
The way you talk to me leaves me aphasic.
"Carbs are the answer. No matter the question."
— Unknown
Vikings weren't exactly the best at drinking contests.
They were quite MEADiocre.
You can hold my hand if you're afraid of camp fire stories.
Here’s more proof that I’ve gone off the deep end.
What do you call a giant mushroom? Hu-fungus.
Why should anyone experiment with thin ice?
It’s the best way to achieve a major breakthrough.
“It takes less time to do a thing right, than it does to explain why you did it wrong.” — Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
Why is the tooth fairy so smart?
Because she has wisdom teeth!
What do dogs love to eat for breakfast?
woofles
A bit late but here goes anyway: what do you call the elf who checks Santa's grammar?
A subordinate claus!
How does Frankenstein jump-start his day?
With a shock of lighting.
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
For that special cashier:
Since you're checking me out why don't we go to the movies?
What do you call a clever ant?
Brilli-ant.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote too many Linkin Park songs.
But "in the end, it doesn't even matter".
Did you know that left handed people have a better chance of finishing an exam than people with no hands?
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
Sorry sweety, but I think I'm in love with your mom.
Did you hear about the hairdresser? She dyed.
What type of music should you play at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Sham-rock!
“I talked to a wild group last night. I knew it the minute someone yelled ‘Louder!’ during the silent meditation. – Robert Orben”
What do you drive in a river? An otter-mobile.
“I need to get up; my coffee needs me.”
— Unknown
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
What do you call an and with frogs legs?
An antphibian.
My doctor tells me I've got a bacon addiction.
Thankfully he thinks I can be cured.
Remember the city,
Remember the town,
Remember the s/he who ruined your birthday card.
By writing inside upside down!