New electric trains will run on conductors.
Mike Tyson bought a yacht and immediately wrecked it.
Who woulda thunk it?
A bear's least favorite pastry at any party is the blue bear-y pie.
I need an Imodium because I can’t hold in my love for you.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
What comes out of your nose at 200 mph?
Lambogreeny.
I tried to turn on a tap. It was a bit stiff though...
So I had to faucet.
You tell me your mantra and I’ll l tell you mine.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.
What do you call the king of vegetables? Elvis Parsley.
I'm not a hipster, but I could make your hips stir.
Can linesmen enter the Hall of Fame? Yes, because they decide who's HOFside.
A sphinx was guarding a road when a traveler walked by.
The sphinx said to the man, "You may pass if you can answer my riddle: What is wider than an ocean, heavier than a mountain, and unbounded by the laws of physics?"
The man thought for a moment and answered, "Imagination."
"Wrong," said the Sphinx. "The answer is your mom."
Why did the balloon burst? Because is saw a lolly pop.
They say that you can spike a volleyball. But you can never take away its dig-nity.
What’s the worst thing about a bread pun?
It tends to get stale.
What do whales do when they get angry?
They blow up and then let off steam.
What do dinosaurs have that no other animals have? Baby Dinosaurs.
Crash courses for private pilots - The Daily Telegraph
Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"
“Have leftover Eggo waffles from your Eleven Halloween costume? We’ll show you how to make it into Thanksgiving stuffing. After the break.” — John Mayer
A man started wearing a blanket to the office.
His colleagues began to suspect he was working undercover...
A dog and his bone was on the roam,
Where can I find this bone a home?
Will I bury it next to the tree?
No, too easy for others to see.
What about next to the garden shed?
Maybe in the middle of the garden bed,
Behind the sty where the pigs all are,
What about somewhere right away far.
I think I know what I will do,
I'll just sit down and have a chew,
Tomorrow will be another new day,
I'll find a spot then for the bone to stay.
(John Williams)
What do frogs drink?
Croak-a-cola.
What do you get if you cross a bat with a woodpecker?
Bat-a-tat.
Why do you bring fish to a party?
You bring fish to a party because they go well with chips!
Fall is a-maize-ing.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you don't let me in!
I’ll never fir-get.
What do Krakens eat?
Fish and ships.
What do you get when you put a bomb in a dinosaur? Dino-mite.
You look good on your yoga mat.
What do you call a line of men out on the lawn, having sausages and waiting to have a haircut and shave?
A barber queue.
I hope you prefer men who take grooming seriously.
What do you call a small Minotaur?
A Minitaur.
What kind of magazine does a rock like to read?
Rolling Stone.
I wish I were your integral so I could fill the space beneath your curves
"I Know You Like Me Best"
Daddy, I know your secret,
That you've tried to keep suppressed,
I promise I won't tell anyone,
But I know you like me best!
How should you bury an onion?
... in a shallot grave!
"It's rude to count people as you pass them. Out loud."
From an Adidas ad
“I need a vacation so long, I forget all my passwords!”
I have no idea how so many people didn’t make it out the labyrinth.
It only took me a minotaur two.
What do you call a rubber bumper on a yacht?
A shark absorber.
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
What do you call a fish with no eye?
FSH!
I was on the way to the gorcer when I remembered, I need to put toothpaste on the grocery list.
My dad said, "Don't do that! It'll be all messy!"
Have you read the book about hands? It’s a real page turner.
You seem a little mer-mad.
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
Why did the electrician marry his colleague? He couldn’t resistor.