What to give your favorite electrical engineer for his birthday?
Shorts.
What has more lives than a cat?
A frog because it croaks every night.
How did the cheese get such curly hair?
It got a permasan.
Babe, your beauty makes the morning sun look like the dull glimmer of the moon.
Case in punt
What did the icy road say to the car?
“Want to go for a spin?”
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.
The fruit started to stutter as it was suffering from peach deterioration.
My dog went on his first date.
But she was a mal-TEASE.
Did you hear about the blonde corn maze? It only had 1 stalk.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
Serotonin and Dopamine: Technically, the only things you enjoy.
Why did the boy sprinkle sugar on his pillow before he went to sleep? So he could have sweet dreams. What do you call a nervous javelin thrower? Shakespeare.
What did the koala write in his Valentine’s Day card to his girlfriend? “I love you-calyptus”.
Are you a thief? Because you stole my heart.
One more thyme.
Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
Noah - he was floating his stock while everyone was in liquidation.
Wine Connoisser Point to Ponder: Did Marilyn drink Merlot?
Where do criminal unicorns sentenced to death go? They go on corn row.
It takes one to snow one.
What does bread say to a friend after doing them a favor?
It’s the yeast I could do.
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
I was hiking in mountains the other day and a big cat started attacking me
Man, I puma pants
Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious,
shove a foreign object up my butt and film the whole thing!
Or as my doctor insists on calling it... a colonoscopy
I was driving through the safari park when my sat nav said “bear left”. It was clearly a zebra.
Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?
Because they put on the salsa.
I heard there are some fires near Greece
We’re gonna need a lot of baking soda.
You’re like my coffee, you keep me up all night.
"The turkey. The sweet potatoes. The stuffing. The pumpkin pie. Is there anything else we can agree so vehemently about? I don't think so." - Nora Ephron
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there are no signs of life.
What happens to witches who break the school rules?
They get ex-spelled.
Can I borrow your library card? Cause I’m checking you out.
V
V
Edit*: sorry it seems as the CTRL button on my keyboard isn't working
Is it hot in here, or is that just the Holy Spirit burning in you?
How do berries start off the fruity olympics? They cherry the Olympic torch around the globe.
Are you a banana? Because you're great at the splits.
"Everything happens for a riesling, right?"
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY.
“What’s your favorite childhood memory? Not paying bills.” – Anonymous
What do the squirrels do when they are bored ?
watch NutFlix
Can I Alp you?
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite drink?
A juice pouch.
The worst part about being a giraffe…
Is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.
What do you call a crazy chicken?
A cuckoo cluck.
Free Wifi!
Why? Was Mr. Wifi wrongfully accused or something?
Why did the firefighters bring a dog along with them?
To help them find the nearest fire hydrant.
Why does bread hate hot weather?
It just feels too toasty.
Who needs a map when one can Rome freely in your beautiful eyes?