What do German meat lovers breathe?
Hamburg-air
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
I hope your day is as radiant as your smile.
What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire
I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish, but if you wish the wish the witch wishes, I won't wish the wish you wish to wish.
Your body must be made of oxygen and neon because you are the ONe.
Today, my pastor started talking to the drum set during his sermon.
Boy did I appreciate the cymbal-ism
Why did Santa stop smoking a pipe?
It was bad for his elf!
"If you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing, your friendship is the real deal."
— Oprah Winfrey
The square root of all my fantasies is you.
Sit back and relax… I fix broken hearts.
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
A camel can work all week without drinking..
A man can drink all week without working.
What looks like half a pine tree? The other half.
Not to brag, but I beat the state chess champion in less than 5 moves.
Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.
Did you hear about the guy who put little G.I. Joe soldiers at the bottom of his coffee cup?
He’d heard that the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!
Why did the sponge wake up early?
To get the moist out of the day.
I've just invented a new Canadian beer
It's a form of I.P.Eh
“Oh yes I will work out today. I will work out a way to avoid running for a stupid cause.”
Stanley from The Office
Why can’t a rooster ever get rich?
Because he works for chicken feed.
Man: I've lost my phone number can I have yours?
Woman: Sure, my number is 911-8473 (works better if you write it down)
Why did the shark spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny.
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
Big Foot has been spotted throwing tantrums and talking back to his parents.
No wonder they call him the Sassquatch.
There are so many puppies and kitties around the neighbourhood. Perhaps it is because it has been raining cats and dogs for hours.
My dog wants to be a tradesman.
I think he wants to be a woof-er.
I personally think bunnies are ear-resistible.
My local ice cream man was found dead in his garage covered in strawberry sauce and hundreds and thousands.
Police believe he topped himself.
"How Not to Have to Dry the Dishes"
If you have to dry the dishes
(Such an awful, boring chore)
If you have to dry the dishes
(‘Stead of going to the store)
If you have to dry the dishes
And you drop one on the floor—
Maybe they won’t let you
Dry the dishes anymore.
– Shel Silverstein
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
The zookeeper told me I wasn’t allowed to buy the animals so I asked why the zebra had a barcode.
How is it that elephants are always ready for a swim?
They never forget their trunks!
It’s so cold mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears.
Who’s at the door?
It’s snowbody.
Purple paper people, purple paper people, purple paper people.
My mom is a metalurgist
I asked her the other day: "Which metal do you prefer to work with? Gold or silver?"
She said: "Either ore."
Contrary to belief, Wikipedia actually has less factual errors than traditional printed encyclopedias.
Source: Wikipedia
I tried calling my fruit friend thrice, but could not peach him, as his phone was out of peach.
Today, we had to create a new hang position for some lighting fixtures. After all day trying, we couldn't get the new batten hung properly.
Turns out it was just a pipe dream.
What did the chicken do when his shop caught on fire?
He egg-xited..
What do you call a small fish magician? A magic carpet
Why was the ocean angry? Because the ocean didn't wave back.
When is a black dog not a black dog?
When it’s a Greyhound.
Guy walks into a tailor shop to pick up his suit. The tailor hands him a jacket and pair of pants. The guy says “But I had a 3-piece suit.”
Tailor says “The vest is yet to come.”
Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug – although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty-year-old thug thought of that morning.
"I have so many egg puns, it's not even bunny."
You are my raisin to smile.
Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
He wanted to Mark Antony.
In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it. A student handed in his work with "The Magna Carta was signed in 1215" written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, "Why did you write this?" The boy replied, "Because you always say that history repeats itself!"
A mixture of black, white, and red usually refers to a panda who has experienced severe sunburn!