Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!
Why do bananas have to wear sunscreen?
Because they peel.
Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?
What did the teenage crow want for his birthday? A brand new caw!
Why are wooden hard drives so bad?
They're all bark and no byte.
My wife looked at me and said “You think you’re pretty sharp, don’t you?”
What do you call a happy aviator?
A gladiator
Babies born March 31st are the easiest to prank on April Fool’s
They were literally born yesterday.
What do bread kids say during hide-and-seek?
Bready or not, here I crumb!
“I want to tell you about the "sausage principle." The theory says, "If you love something, never try to find out how it is done."”
― Unknown
Why did a person with an unspayed female cat have to go to court?
For kitty littering.
On a scale of one to America, how free are you tonight?
If a flower grew every time you’d cross my mind, I’d have a field of flowers.
Why did the hummus blush?
Because it saw a chickpea!
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
I just had a pint of kangaroo beer
It was a bit too hoppy for me
My wife was a bit down so I decided to redecorate our living room.
Thought it would chair her up but sofa she haven't even noticed
What do you call an elf who runs away from Santa's Workshop? A rebel without a Claus!
If you want to ask someone to borrow their peas, you have to say pea-lease.
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a kangaroo? A stripy jumper!
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
Did you hear about the fumbled exorcism? The guy retained possession!
I violated grammar rules, so I got punished with the death sentence.
Death.
"Popcorn for breakfast! Why not? It’s a grain. It’s like, like, grits, but with high self-esteem."
– James Patterson
Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”
Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”
Knights have always used one type of lamp since medieval times. These lamps are now called Knight Lamps.
Are you in the Library catalog? I'd love to get you're number.
"This is the last straw!"
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink...
Let's Taco about love.
"Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due." ~Author Unknown
Chuck Norris doesnt eat honey, he chews bees.
What do you call a group of crows who see food?
A tempted murder.
What do you have left after a pig eats a watermelon?
Pork rinds.
Entwining your fingers in mine
The feeling is simply divine
Running my hands through your beard
Is anything but weird
Rubbing our bare feet together
Is the epitome of pleasure
When our teeth accidentally clash
I love the way we laugh
(Anonymous)
Why did the banana go out with a prune?
Because he couldn't find a date.
There was an Old Person of Tring,
Who embellished his nose with a ring;
Ha gazed at the moon
Every evening in June,
That ecstatic Old Person in Tring.
I'm from the Outback and I'd like to take you out back.
Why was the bouncy castle so expensive? Due to the cost of inflation.
I chucked my phone into a very deep lake.
Somehow it's still syncing.
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
Why is it so expensive to run a submarine?
It's the depth charges.
I think there'll be a ferry-tale ending to this trip.
“Scientists say the world is made of protons, neutrons, and electrons. they forgot to mention morons.”
Anonymous
My realtor promised to give me a free abacus if he could close the deal.
I’m unsure whether to count on it or not.
What happened when Frankenstein’s monster first met his girlfriend?
It was love at first fright.
Roses are red, violets are blue. In all this land, there’s no lady fairer than you.
What type of dog doesn’t bark?
A hush puppy.
Look into my compound eyes and say you'll eat our young.
What does a werewolf say in church?
Howleluia!
Ugh.. I ate too much hummus..
And now I filafel.