How does a penguin build it’s house?
Igloos it together.
It will be a habitual action for me to offer you a simple present.
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
“A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.” — William C. Feather
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
What type of cat will keep your garden looking nice and tidy? A lawn meower.
"No one betrays a Gemini and gets off without a sound ear-bashing."
— Richard MacDonald
After all is sled and done.
You are like my dentures.
I cannot smile without you.
Whats A tooth fairys favorite movie?
Jaws.
What do a rabid rabbit and a basketball player have in common?
Mad hops.
When Napoleon is indecisive, he is torn-apart-e.
Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever?
Julius Sneezer.
Thanksgiving Dinner's sad and thankless
Christmas Dinner's dark and blue
When you stop and try to see it
From the turkey's point of view.
Sunday Dinner isn't sunny
Easter Feasts are just bad luck
When you see it from the viewpoint
Of a chicken or a duck.
Oh how I once loved tuna salad
Pork and Lobsters-- lamb chops too
Till I stopped and looked at dinner
From the dinner's point of view.
(Shel Silverstein)
What kind of dog sniffs out flowers?
A bud hound.
Did you guys hear about the airplane that dressed up for Halloween?
It was in disguise.
Can you can a canned can into an un-canned can like a canner can can a canned can into an un-canned can?
Where do eggs go on holiday?
New Yolk.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
What did mutter say to paneer? Tu cheese badi hai mast mast.
Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately.
She sells seashells by the seashore.
What three candies can you find in every school? Nerds, DumDums, and smarties.
What do you get when your dog jumps into the fire pit? A hot dog.
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk.
Who makes dinosaur clothes? dino-sewer.
What happened when Turbo lost his shell? He began to feel sluggish.
What planet is next to Uranus?
Poopiter.
What do dogs and commas have in common? Dogs have claws at the end of their paws and commas are a pause at the end of a clause.
What did the ponies do when it was raining? Stay ind-horse.
"Staying in bed all day is my way of saving money." ~ Anonymous
I was trying to look at a picture of the ocean but kept having to reload the page, it finally worked after 5 attempts.
That was refreshing to sea.
Oh buoy – we’re having a splash bash!
What’s a good winter tip?
Never catch snowflakes on your tongue until all the birds have flown south for the winter.
Why did the realtor buy his home right beside a porta-potty?
Because it was a leakfront property!
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
— Mark Twain
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
“My Dog has no nose. How does he smell?”
"Awful.”
How did the mother know her child would become a neuroanatomist?
He was constantly staining stuff.
The evil King of Weatherland only had one favorite weather - hail, storm.
I had an instant connection with someone in South Korea. I think they're my Seoul mate.
How would you describe a stinky chemist?
Mole-odorous
What do you call a noisy group of crows?
A caw-cophony!
Why was the gardener so busy over the weekend?
He had a long honeydew list.
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
Who did Prince Mushroom fall in love with at the royal ball? - Chanterella!
When the little unicorn got bullied at school, he told his pop-corn so he could do something about it.
Wow Adrian, is that a typo in your name? Because I swear you’re A-Dream.
You make me feel a lot giddier like I have eaten a box of chocolate.
Where do vampires eat their lunch?
At the casketeria.