How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!

We’ve made a jig mistake, don’t you a-green?

How can you tell if a car is from Switzerland?

It remains in neutral.

Choreographers are always hard to get in touch with because they are always blocking you.

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Owls say.
Owls say who?
Yes, they do.

"My Missing Shoe"

I looked for you by the front door,
Under my bed, on the bathroom floor,
Near the back stairs, in the drawer with my socks,
Next to the table, and out in the sandbox.
My mother is calling me, and I’m calling you,
Where have you gone, my missing shoe?

“Some people wake up drowsy. Some people wake up energized. I wake up dead.”
— James Marsden

What did the horse say when it saw a sheepdog?
“Why is your furlong?”

If an elf can’t do something right now, how do they handle it?
Shelf it for later.

Your presents is requested.

I'm no photographer, but I can picture us together.

“Cancers are Moonchildren; totally influenced by the waxing and waning cycles of the Moon. Asking them to remain in one feeling, one mood, or one state of mind is pure insanity.”
— Sherene Schostak

I'm not a professional referee, but please can I have your name and number?

“Winter is not a season, it’s an occupation.” — Sinclair Lewis

Finally, the call came in and the orange was informed by the person on the other end of the line that the company had orange-d an interview for the following day.

Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from Mount Gilead.

"We pay our gym membership for the permission to exercise in the gym, not for the owner(s) of the gym to exercise for us."

- Mokokoma Mokhonoana.

Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.

What do you call a musician with problems? a trebled man.

My friend told me to come and meet you.
He said you're a really nice person. I think you know him.
Jesus, yeah that's his name.

It was Halloween and
We were on our way to a party
They were both dressed as vampires
And I was Professor Moriarty

We stopped at the supermarket
But didn’t have any cash
So we thought we’d steal some booze
Then make a dash

The bottles we wanted
Were on the very top of the racks
Which we couldn’t reach
So I had to stand on their backs

Once I had the bottles
Dracula hid them under his cape
And without drawing attention
We casually made our escape

But we were caught on CCTV
A very clear image by all accounts
I was charged with shoplifting
On two counts.


- Paul Curtis

Why did the clown cross the road?
To retrieve his rubber chicken.

“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings

What do you call the generation of people that migrated from Italy?
Genitalia.

What happens before it starts raining candy?
It sprinkles!

What’s a gorilla’s favourite pop group? A: Bananarama!

What holds the moon up?

Moonbeams!

How do trains eat?
They chew chew.

"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home."- Phyllis Diller

If a lion is the king of the jungle...
Then shouldn’t they call it a reignforest?

"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."

Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”

“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”

- Alyson Hannigan.

Angry cows are usually responsible for giving the farmer sour milk.

Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, “Is the bar tender here?”

"Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches." - V.L. Allineare

I used to make extra money by selling illegal tennis equipment on the side, but I was approached by some thugs who told me to stop.
I guess they control the Tennis Racket around here.

How did the coffee show its love? It said, "Words cannot espresso how much you bean to me."

"There's a woman trapped under a motorway bridge in Italy."
"Genoa?"
"I'm not sure, I can't see her face."

“A best friend is someone who, when they don’t understand, they still understand."
— Nancy Werlin

Tomorrow is still a mystery.
Yesterday is already history.
And today it is your BIRTHDAY!

"People who say “Good morning” should be forced to prove it."
– Unknown

Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there are no signs of life.

My friend dragged me to a lecture about lamps. I though it would be boring but...
It was very illuminating.

What do teachers drink at school? Facul-Tea.

“I am a friend of the workingman, and I would rather be his friend, than be one.” — Clarence Darrow.

Do you have any plans tonight? If not do you mind If I Jona you than?

What's a vampire's most favorite fruit? It must be a neck-tarine peach.

What do you call a happy aviator?
A gladiator

Where do rabbits work? At IHOP restaurants!