“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
Happy birthday twinkle toes
Your actual age no one knows
Your inner child is firmly out
Loving life not going without
And now another whole year older
Your bucket list is getting smaller
But everything that you have ticked
Is the same on my child’s wish list.
I want a taste of your Milky Way.
Why does England always get attacked in the summer?
Because the Knights are shorter then.
Physics puns are no joke. It’s a relatively dark matter.
I don't want to be alone. Help me make it through the night.
What is it called when a skeleton lawyer works for free!
Pro Bone-O.
What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A CAT-HAS-TROPHY!
What’s a dog’s favorite condiment?
Fetch-up.
“Finally, a Thanksgiving without a drunken uncle. Just me, my nieces and nephews and my bottle of Jack Daniels.” — Conan O’Brien
What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common?
Chances are both will end up in the gutter.
“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”
Helen Rowland
What do you call a bee that lives in America? USB
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
How does a bomb choose not to go off?
It refuses.
If you were words on a page, you'd be what they call the FINE print!
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Follow the fresh prints.
What is a ghost's favorite place to work?
Ghoul-gle.
What do you call an elf who runs away from Santa's Workshop? A rebel without a Claus!
Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys
Why did the bunny say to the duck? You quack me up!
Two bananas married without realising they were from the same tree.
They really split over it. It was a really slippery ordeal and peeled them apart.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
Who do vampires buy their cookies from? The Ghoul Scouts
What do you call a fascist mosquito?
Benito Mosquitollini.
What is a zombie's favorite kind of weather?
Brainstorms.
Many people have puns, but they will nut tella you.
Why can't a Platypus be trusted on the radio?
Because they all have fowl mouths.
If you can't get Swine Flu from eating bacon what can you get? A1: Obesity A2: Heart Disease A3: Hardening of the Arteries.
Why are leaves always getting into risky business? They keep having to go out on a limb.
“October: This is one of the particularly dangerous months to invest in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.” Mark Twain
“The North Pole doesn’t import goods because it’s Elf Sufficient.”
Some guy asked dad for the WiFi code.
Shrugging his shoulders and giving a sympathetic look, he responded: I can't figure her out either.
My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving Day jokes.
I told them I couldn’t stop cold turkey
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who sat on a horse when he reared;
But they said, "Never mind!
You will fall off behind,
You propitious Old Man with a beard!"
Are you a campfire? Cause you are hot and I want s’more.
I'd like to get you wet. At least long enough to get you back to the ocean.
Make it rein.
Did you hear about the elf that quit Santa's workshop?
He was a rebel without a Claus.
Did they over chlorinate the pool today or is it you making my head spin?
Roberta ran rings around the Roman ruins.
Gary Delaney
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
you must be augmented cause my love for you just won't diminish!
Baby, if you were words on a page, you’d be fine print.
What soccer position does a pink flamingo play? Flamingoalie.
My Dad always told me to stand on a bottle of shampoo at job interviews...
That way I'd be 'head & shoulders' above the competition.
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
Why don’t you see an ocean in school?
They just can’t wade through all that homework.
Mmm, these honey samples are so mouthwatering.