How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
What did one sushi roll say to the other sushi roll?
I’m soy into you.
I tried to take a girl out to hunt seals for a first date.
But she wasn't really Inuit.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
Permission to board?
To get to the other tide.
If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
“It’s just another manic Monday. I wish it was Sunday. ‘Cause, that’s my fun day. My, I don’t have to run day.”
— Prince Rogers Nelson
I joined a support group for former computer hackers.
Anonymous Anonymous.
Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?
“It’s just nuts.”
What did the bartender say when he saw oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium and phosphorous enter his barroom? OH SnaP!
What’s the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels.
I passed my dentistry tests with an A in my written paper.
In Oral, B.
What's in a honeymoon salad?
Lettuce alone
Where will Kim Jong-un’s ashes be stored?
In a Kim Jong-urn
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
I like telling fart jokes.
They are tough to hold in.
Pirates Private Property.
If a star fell every time I thought of you, the sky would be dark at night.
What mouse was a Roman emperor? Julius Cheeser!
Frankenstein entered a body-building competition…
And soon found he had seriously misunderstood the objective.
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
This sidewalk must be unsalted, because I just fell for you.
How heavy is a rainbow? It's actually pretty light.
Hey, baby. I'm calling myself Han because you need to be Solo.
So, how on earth did the police catch the watermelon thief without a solid description? Don’t really know; guess the bloke was acting seedy.
"Dad, what's it called if I like both boys and girls," the buffalo said.
"I believe would be a bi-son," his father replied.
Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide? He didn't even leave a note.
“Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.”
- Eddie Izzard.
What sound does a turkey's phone make? Wing! Wing!
What did Avogadro teach his students in math class?
Mole-tiplication
What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it? Post Office!
You must be a Candy bar because you appease me.
Why did the bus driver laugh? He was having a 'wheely' good time!
What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat?
‘Here Kitty, kitty, kitty’!
What does a Triceratops sit on? Its Tricera-bottom.
"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."
- H. L. Mencken
What do you call it when worms eat all of the plants and take over the world?
Global Worming.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? A; Because he heard the cakes were rich.
How do you kill a salad? You go for the carrot-id artery.
Is this a catch and release fishing session? Because I don't want to let you go.
How do whales make a decision?
They flipper coin.
How does a mouse feel after it takes a shower?
Squeaky clean!
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
Did you hear about the abusive flashlight? It was charged with battery.
What did dinosaurs have that no others animals ever had? Baby dinosaurs!
It’s your birthday, there is no cure,
Cakes and candles, you must endure,
Quick and painless, let me assure,
A tiny chance, you will be mature,
With this crowd, usually secure,
Random fun, with results obscure,
Liquids we drink, definitely pure,
Goofy friends, minds we tour,
Hilarious birthday, that’s for sure.
(Martin Dejnicki)
What did the toilet say to the urinal after it was hired?
“Urine!”
Roses are red, bananas are yellow, wanna go out with a nice little fellow?
I saw a saw that could out saw any saw I ever saw saw. If you happen to see a saw that can out saw the saw I saw saw I'd like to see the saw you saw saw.