Are you in the Library catalog? I'd love to get you're number.
Does your sport shop stock short socks with spots?
What did you call the cat next door 10,000 years ago?
A neighbor-toothed tiger.
What is Halloween's favorite medicine?
Any brand of coffin cold.
If you plant a light bulb in your garden, does it grow into a power plant?
I threw a fuzzy peach at my doctor's head and he said "that's not assault that's a sugar."
Nice dress, can I talk you out of it?
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
“Happy Thanksgiving! This year I’m thankful that your family is so annoying you’re checking Twitter instead of talking to them.” — Stephen Colbert
Have you heard of the hair stylist that refuses to cut hair?
If she won't cut hair to earn a living, she'll certainly dye.
Babe, all the trail leads straight to you.
Why did the barber win the race?
He took a short cut!
I told my friend that our old school friend is coming to attend St Patrick's feast. She was surprised. She asked, "O'Reilly?"
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk I have a weird axe scent.
After all is sled and done.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice?
Nothing, he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.
From the b-autumn of my heart, I love fall!
I went to a mosquito themed restaurant.
It wasn't very good, though. After a few bites I got up and left.
What do you call a cow that plays the saxophone? A blues moo-sician.
Hey, girl. Are you a soccer player? Because yuo look like you can play ball even without hands.
What is a rabbit’s favorite dance style? Hip-Hop!
Harambe wasn’t only one of the best gorillas I’ve ever met...
He was also a great ape.
Where do electricians get their supplies? The Ohm Depot.
Being vegetarian was a huge missed-steak.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Mirra.
Mirra who?
Mirra mirra on the wall, you're the fairest of them all.
A friend has joined a blonds only theatre group. Fair play to him.
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a bell?
An alarm cluck.
You: Can I borrow a quarter?
She: why? (if she says sure or something else get her to ask you why).
You: so I can call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams.
I used to be a personal driver in France
But now I have nothing to chauffeur it.
I was souper excited to hear some soup puns for the comic chef - but his performance did not excite miso much.
Want to get some air? You took my breath away!
Did you hear what happened with the sourdough bread? It really rose to the occasion today.
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars? Tyrannosaurus wrecks!
How did cars walk on to Noah’s Ark?
4X4.
“It’s a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children."
~ Alan Alda
Irish you luck.
Digging trenches during the middle ages was seen as a great honor because it showed someone's shovelry!
Do you know where you take a sick squid?
To the doctopus.
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
What do you call two worms in love?
Soilmates.
I used to make loads of money clearing leaves from lawns. I was raking it in.
What happened to the baby chicken that misbehaved at school?
It was egg-spelled.
Why do owls always by mystery novels?
They love hoo-dunits.
May I have the distinguished honor and privilege of sitting next to you?
Whats a good Spanish sports channel?
ESBieN.
Why do owls shower so often?
So they don’t smell fowl.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
The watermelon thief was charged with robbery with violence, but the judge later changed that to a minor felony; or melony as he put it.
How do you Charlemange-age to get through the last few days before vacation?