Where do beavers sleep? They sleep on a river bed.
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
My wife drives like lightning.
I don't mean she drives fast - she hits trees.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’ve got five fingers,
Guess which one is for you?
Why can't you take a nap during a race? Because if you snooze, you loose!
I see you driving
Round town with the girl I love
and I’m like Haiku.
What did the lemon juice say to the baking soda?
Ya basic!
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
Who holds sermons during Sunday in Italy?
The Pasta.
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
What do married snakes have on their bath towels?
Hiss and Hers.
I finally realized why trees don’t have teeth.
Turns out, they’re all bark and no bite.
Are you a dentist? Because my heart beats faster when I see you.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
Why did the Easter Bunny have to leave school?
He was eggspelled.
What does a skunk’s car run on?
Fumes.
Son, your mother died. It happened when she choked on her dinner from laughing.
You could say I have a killer sense of humor.
What do volleyball players like in bed? Kinky sets.
It’s so cold we had to salt the hallway.
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
What is the popular Christmas carol in Desert? Camel ye Faithful.
Why did the bald man decide to paint a bunch of rabbits on his head? He thought that they could look like hares from a distance.
What sport does the Koolaid man play?
Baseball. He's a pitcher.
What's a skeletons favorite activity?
Boning.
I was hoping my friend would catch the lemon-lime soda i tossed her.
But unfortunately Sierra Mist
My drinking team has a bowling problem.
Despite the pun being so orange-inal, it wasn’t all that funny.
What kind of key opens a banana? A monkey!
What is a cat’s favorite piece of artwork? The paw-trait of Meowna Lisa.
Someone who eats bananas must like them a whole bunch.
"Don’t stay in bed unless you make money in bed." ~ George Burns
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
What kind of tea does Billy like?
Ability.
Why did the pillow cross the road?
It was picking up the chicken’s feathers.
What should you do if you can't afford a fancy trumpet?
Buy a frugelhorn
The colonized do not like British tea. They only want liber-tea.
Did you hear about the hungry clock? It went back four seconds.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
Prepare to be bowled over.
Two fish are in a tank, one says to the other "how do you drive this thing?"
Why do people love juicy pineapple? Because it “ripens” their day.
When your putt lips out, what disease do you have?
Liprocy.
"Hard work is damn near as overrated as monogamy."
~ Huey Long
My dad used to say "the sky's the limit"
Which is probably why he got fired from his job at N.A.S.A.
Do you know why diarrhea is hereditary? Because it runs through your jeans. What would you do if I stole a kiss? Call the Police
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
What do you get if you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major.
"No wine left behind."
I've got no home, I haven't got control, and I can't see any escape.
I should get a new keyboard.
What do you call an indoor plant?
An intro-vert