If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all!
What is the name of the knight that spreads all the rumors and news of the court and the king amongst the people? Sir Culate.
Why did the orange lose his job at the factory? He didn’t concentrate.
What do you call it when your nose is stuffy at the rodeo?
Cowboy Boogie.
My sister was anxious to do some landscaping at her new home, but then she called up sounding hopeless.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get these trees planted,” she moaned. “It says to plant in full sun, but it’s been cloudy for four days.”
I love having dinner in a local restaurant. It has a soup-erb speciality that mixes soup and herbs.
What's the article of winter clothing most appropriate for Valentine's Day?
's mitten.
Everyone loves my Halloween costume, but I still see room for improvement.
I guess I'm an ogre-achiever.
What did one leaf say to the other leaf?
I’ve fallen for you.
You don't need to waste your time on that treadmill, you've been running through my mind all day.
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers? Oh good! A chew chew train!
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body..
He’ll be born in March.
For the record, you’re not old, you’re a classic.
Tomorrow is still a mystery.
Yesterday is already history.
And today it is your BIRTHDAY!
What do Ghosts suffer from? Saturday fright fever.
Hear about the saxophone player who switched from a tenor to a soprano saxophone in the middle of the concert?
The press made quite a big deal out of his sax change.
How do the Skywalkers like their bath water?
Luke-warm.
What's worse than a dragon speaking to you?
The money that you have to pay for therapy.
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
Where do pianists go on vacation?
The Florida Keys.
What do you get if cross a baseball player and a monster?
A double header.
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Cheese
Cheese who?
Cheese a nice girl.
Why didn't the watermelon marry the strawberry?
They cantaloupe.
The plumber was working on the side to become an artist.
Unfortunately, he couldn't find a faucet for his creativity.
It’s so cold that even the snowmen are wearing sweaters!
I am so dedicated to basketball, but I promise you I will bring that dedication to our relationship.
What cars do zombies drive?
Monster trucks.
I've always wondered if it was easy to catch Bigfoot...
I was relieved when my doctor told me it wasn't a disease.
“I travel a lot, I hate having my life disrupted by routine.”
– Caskie Stinnett
How do you stop a werewolf attacking you?
Throw a stick and shout “Fetch.”
Prisoner: "I’m sorry I tried to escape."
Guard: "I’m not mad, just… disappointed."
Remember, kids, never let your guard down.
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
Corona virus is just like pasta.
The Chinese invented it but the Italians will spread it all over the world.
Don’t get me wrong, I love our soccer team. However, in sharp contrast to the albatross, our team doesn’t have two decent wings.
I am really good with PowerPoint because I Excel at it.
What's a bee's favorite novel?
The Great Gats-Bee
“You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal.”
— Elizabeth Taylor
What did one orange say to its friend telling a wild story?
“That’s un-peel-ievalbe!”
Why did the witch's team lose the cricket game?
Their bats flew away.
I'm no Joseph. Perhaps you can help me interpreting the dreams I've been having about you?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Hatch
Hatch who?
God bless you!
Many people think that when warm droplets of water in the air are rapidly cooled it forms fog.
But it’s actually a common mist-conception.
My girlfriend left me because all I do is talk about football.
I'm so sad, we were together for 3 seasons.
Q: How is hurricane season like Christmas?
A: At some point, there’s going to be a tree inside your house.
I'm acorn-y person.
I'm going to have to get a security guard because you're trying to steal my heart.
How do you know a car is a good price?
If it is a Ford-able.