Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?
“It’s just nuts.”

Why was the cat kicked out of the game? They thought she was a cheetah.

“Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any.” —Samuel L. Jackson

What happened when the drummer re-recorded his drum solo?
There were repercussions.

What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? A. Milk and quackers!

Why doesn't McDonald's serve escargot? Because it's not fast food.

I have a butcher friend in London. Last week he caught a huge sea creature in the river there and made it into sausage. It was the beast of Thames. It was the wurst of Thames.

You owe me a drink, you're so ugly I dropped mine when I saw you.

‪My kid’s toy submarine was having trouble staying under water...‬
‪I hope this will not surface again‬

Q. What do you call a gorilla who studies large primates and has great grades?
A. Ape lust student.

My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.

Why did the Green Giant lay down in the field?
So he could Rest in Peas.

What is a monster's favorite food? Ghoul scout cookies.

Guess what I do when my ice house falls apart.
Igloo it back together!

"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling

Why didn’t Dr. Frankenstein ever make a second monster?
Because he just didn’t have the guts to do it again.

Why did the werewolf need to talk with the skeleton?
He had a bone to pick with him.

Did you hear the one about the Troll who tried to pay for dinner with a gnome? He came up short on the bill.

What did one mole say to the other?
We have great chemistry together.

Where do ghosts play golf?
On a golf corpse.

It was reported that a tiger recently exploded in the forest fire. They say it was a Royal Bang-al Tiger.

I’m no vampire but I’m fine with getting no sleep and biting your neck all night.

I was alone in the bath.
Imagine my surprise when I felt a tap on my shoulder!

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Jester
Jester who?
Jester silly old man!

A mother mountain says to her moody teenage mountain “don’t you give me that altitude!!”

I remember asking my dad repeatedly what the acronym LGBTQ meant.
I never got a straight answer.

I tried to milk my cow last night, but nothing I did seemed to work. It was an udder failure.

"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown

I think you’re incredi-bowl.

Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said 'concentrate'.

If you want day-old soup, then come back here tomorrow!

Success is like toilet paper; it only seems important when you don’t have it.
Richard Jeni

What do confused owls say?
Too-whit-to-why?

Reading whilst sunbathing? You must be well-red!

What do you call the art of Freezer meditation?
Fro-zen!

A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"

"Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos."
– Don Kardong

Did you hear about the frozen dessert whose wife had a baby?
Now he’s a popsicle.

"Happy Easter to all my peeps."

What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.

What did baby corn say to Mama corn?
Where's Popcorn?

Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.

Where did the onion find his family history?
In the archives

Vampires love corny jokes and puns. I don't think they're funny, but it's probably to do with them being pun-dead.

Mobile phones have been around longer than people think.
I was watching this film the other day and heard Sir Lancelot ask someone to fetch his charger.

Physics student asks to go to bathroom.
Professor asks "Liquid, Solid or Gas?"

I’ve fallen in love- I don’t know why
I’ve fallen in love with a girl with one eye.

I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me

She’s charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you’d expect from a girl who’s monocular.

Of eyes – at the moment – she hasn’t full quota
But that doesn’t change things for me one iota.

It must be quite difficult if you’re bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.

But she’s made up her mind. She’s made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.

She’ll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she’ll see me in church.

I’ll marry my true love who’s gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.

(Andrew Jefferson)

"I only workout, because I really really like donuts."

- Unknown

What do cows do for entertainment?
They rent moovies!

I showed up late to a cannibal party.
I got the cold shoulder.