Even Santa doesn't make candy as sweet as you.
Why did the owl join Tinder?
He didn’t want to be owl by himself.
What do you call two bandits in a race on the ocean.
Piracy.
My friend, while driving through the mountains watching the leaves change: I love the winter. All the naked trees.
Me: Yeah, you can see all their knotty parts.
What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?
He was given two consecutive sentences.
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe? -- Quentin Crisp
What does the fish say when she disagrees with her husband?
I don’t quite sea it that way.
“To hike is to complain.” – Dean Johnston
What do football players wear on their heads? Helminth
How do old witches get good bargains?
They hag-gle.
We make a great pear
I have a buddy who was recently hit by a bus, while promoting pedestrian safety.The surgeons had to replace all the joints in his left leg with metal.
I think it's safe to say he can appreciate the iron knee
You make me hap-pea, we're like two peas in a pod.
Although he seems happy and bright, the jack-o-lantern was so sad on Halloween because he’s hollow inside.
When many knights were being killed by guns and bombs, the medieval scientist discovered a weapon that would destroy all their enemies. It was known as the knightrogen bomb!
What did Adam say to his wife on Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
It’s so hot that you can poach eggs in a pool.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!" and I thought to myself...
“That’s just spam.”
How did the old man walk his way out of the storm so fast?
Because, he had a hurry cane.
As two onions were crossing the road, one of them was run over by a car. Upon being rushed to the hospital, the doctor informed the other onion, "I have some news that is going to make you cry!"
What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
Because it can't sit down!
“My son is now an ‘entrepreneur.’ That’s what you’re called when you don’t have a job.” – Ted Turner
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
Graham Norton
What can you find in both medieval English castles and American art museums?
Norman Rock Wells.
Why did the rabbit like the adventure? It was a “hare-raising tail.”
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Iva.
Iva who?
I’ve a sore hand from knocking!
There’s a lot of proposals on cleaning up space in earth’s orbit from broken satellites.
Looks like they’ll need a vacuum cleaner.
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
Roses are red,
Pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one,
I’m not sharing with you.
I finally realized why trees don’t have teeth.
Turns out, they’re all bark and no bite.
“I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.”
– Lucille Ball
Babe, I just checked Spotify. It says you're this week's hottest new single.
If you were a laser, you'd be set on stunning.
Baby, if you were words on a page, you’d be what they call ‘FINE PRINT’!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No, cows go MOO!
The squirrel’s chest got dirty with nuts, now it has a chest-nut.
A never-ending natural supply of beer?
Hops springs eternal.
What kind of test do chemistry students like best?
Mole-tiple choice
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
Why are trees the best frenemies? They are great at throwing shade.
My mom thinks I'm gay, can you help me prove her wrong?
Where would you find Hadrian's Wall?
At the bottom of his garden!
Time fries when you’re having fun!
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
Man: Any Generic Pick Up Line
Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."
My grandfather recently passed, and I discovered in his journal that he has an immense hatred for sloths, pandas, and koala bears. Looking back, it was obvious.
He was always going on about those darn tree-huggers.
I just got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They told me I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
Where does a turtle go when it's raining?
A shell-ter.
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
What's the similarity between a sailor and a thief?
Both have a phobia for sirens.