What is the preferred shampoo brand of truck drivers?
Lorry-el
Why did the donut go to a therapist?
He felt empty inside.
After a long March, April always puts a little spring in my step.
How can you tell a train just went by? A. You can see it’s tracks!
Asked a pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?"
“Being a couch potato is dangerous, someone may get hungry and eat you!”
― Unknown
What is soap's favorite brand of beer?
Sud-light
With the nice warm weather last weekend, a neighbor was enthusiastically diggin' in the dirt planting his garden!
He was so excited about it, he wet his plants.
Why did the Vikings not have high doorknobs?
Because of Loki.
4G, or not 4G, that is the question.
If there were no God, there would be no atheists. -- G. K. Chesterton
What did the Mountain lion say to the bathroom attendant?
Out of the way, I’m about to Puma pants!
"Pollen- when flowers can't keep it in their plants"
When something evolves, it becomes a fork of nature.
I mashed a few mangoes, pineapples, melons, strawberries, and grapes into a pot. Served the mash to guests visiting my place.
Called the dish, Mea Pulpa.
How do elves stay so skinny?
Elfy eating!
Every single morning I get hit by the same bike.
It's a vicious cycle.
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
Why couldn’t the pig tie his shoelaces? He was too ham-fisted.
What sport are eggs best at?
Running.
What is the coldest type of horse?
A freezian.
Beat funny horse puns
What’s a horse’s favorite makeup brand?
Neighhhbelline.
Why was the big white tiger angry with his other Siberian tiger friend? Because he bleached him while grooming.
Dark-colored huskies found in Colorado can also be termed as dusky huskies!
What can you catch in the winter with your eyes closed?
A cold.
Crash courses for private pilots - The Daily Telegraph
What cheese do vampires eat?
Munster.
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
I was thinking about hopping in the shower...
But I realized that I might slip and hurt myself.
What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, its the best thing for a hot dog! What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon? A sour puss!
Lady, you mak me All Shook Up and wake my Animal Instinct
My father and grandfather work for the DMV.
I come from a long line of long lines.
What is Julius Caesar's favorite food?
Roman noodles
What do you call a parrot that flew away?
A polygon.
What do you call an overweight alien?
An extra cholesterol.
What type of dog can use a phone?
A dial-matian.
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
I was arrested by the grammar police for not using the full stop correctly.
I am now looking at a long sentence.
Flamingoes have a special name for one of their numbers who has passed away. They call it flamingone.
Why do the French eat snails? They dislike fast food.
“Who knew that the hardest part of being an adult is figuring out what to cook for dinner every single night for the rest of your life.”
― Unknown
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m a schizophrenic,
and so am I.
I am reading a horror story in Braille.
Someone is going die, I can feel it.
Why did the train have bubble gum? Because he wanted to go Choo Choo
You must be a summoner, cause I can feel a powerful creature rising... in my pants!
What happens when you keep reading geology jokes in your free time? You know that you have really hit rock bottom.
Most of your players never make it out of the lower-level tournaments. I highly doubt their Futures as a professional.
I stubbed my toe onto a piece of furniture. C-ouch!
Vladimir Putin's approval rate is 80%...
The other 20% are missing.
Recently I was at a store walking down the flash drives and hard drives section.
I have to say, it was quite a walk down the memory lane.
I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.