The only time a basketball team can chase a baseball team is five after nine.
What is a dinosaurs least favorite reindeer? Comet.
“When I was young I thought money was the most important thing in life; now that I’m old, I know it is." ~ Oscar Wilde
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing—that’s why we recommend it daily.”
— Zig Ziglar
I stumbled into a room where everyone's ears were missing.
I know it sounds EARy, but it wasn't.
Musicians?
Oh yeah, we think outside the Bach’s.
What do you call a very slow skier?
A slope-poke.
There was an Old Person of Rhodes,
Who strongly objected to toads;
He paid several cousins,
To catch them by the dozens,
That futile Old Person of Rhodes.
What do you call a barking pumpkin?
A gourd dog.
Theatre - the one place it doesn't pay to read between the line.
"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."
— Barbara Johnson
There are so many forms of martial arts, it’s hard to keep track of.
Kind of.. Kung Fusing
For Valentines Day, I decided to get my wife some beads for an abacus.
It’s the little things that count.
What did the pigeon say after being struck by lightning?
Not coo.
What were the ponies most excited for in the meal?
The main horse.
What do you call a werewolf with no legs?
Anything you like – he can’t chase you.
What do you call a knight that jousts all the time
Sir Lance-alot
What types of songs do planets sing?
Nep-tunes.
What happens if the Grim Reaper spikes the ball? You have to dig your own grave.
Readers do it by the book.
Why did the hobbit set his cell phone to vibrate?
He was afraid the ring would give him away.
What do sea monsters eat? Fish and ships
Happy birthday twinkle toes
Your actual age no one knows
Your inner child is firmly out
Loving life not going without
And now another whole year older
Your bucket list is getting smaller
But everything that you have ticked
Is the same on my child’s wish list.
Did you hear about the scary couple in prom this year? It was a mummy and his ghoul-friend.
What do real estate agents have to be thankful for this year?
Lots.
Q: What is a wind turbine’s favorite musical group?
A: Air Supply
When should astronauts retire?
When they start spacing out.
What did the period say to the sentence? We better stop now!
Did you hear about the medieval kinghunter?
He excelled in throne weapons
Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.
As autumn came, the leaves started greeting each other by saying, "Hay there!"
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
What did the bat say when she was invited to dinner?
No, fangs. I just ate.
What tree is bought the most at the plant store?
The poplar tree
Why are goats from France musical?
Because they have French horns.
Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
Did you hear about the comedian who entertained at a werewolves’ party?
He had them howling all night.
I would love to show you first class.
Do you know what a beavers' favorite snack is? Wood chips.
Five syllables here.
Seven more syllables here.
Are you happy now?
Let me give you another reason to feel thankful this year. 😏
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
Did you hear about the party at the Chinese zoo?
It was Panda-monium.
All the girls I meet keep thinking I’m a sheep.
Every time they see me they say “Ewe”
I went to the shooting range for the first time, but I couldn’t get my gun to fire
I had to read the trouble shooting section in the manual
What do you call two polar bears jerking each other off?
Bipolar.
“Because the greatest part of a road trip isn’t arriving at your destination. It’s all the wild stuff that happens along the way.”
– Emma Chase
You have to hunt down a troll and kill it with a gun. After you find it, you accidently lose sight of it. In rage, you fire your gun. The bullets hit the troll and it dies.
What do you tell the person who sent you on the quest?
- I lost gun-trol.
"There's one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor's."
- Clyde Moore
What type of sandals do frogs wear?
Open-toad!