"I am pretty sure that, if you will be quite honest, you will admit that a good rousing sneeze, one that tears open your collar and throws your hair into your eyes, is really one of life's sensational pleasures." - Robert Benchley
I cannot espresso
how much you mean to me.
"I'd like to connect with nature but there's no USB port" - Dan Masso
I was watching a chess champion vs a boxing champion match.
The chess player had a mean right rook!
What is a koala bear’s favorite line in the movie “The Sixth Sense”? “Aussie dead people.”
“My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking that I’d have to do.”
What do you call someone who specializes in growing plants used in witches’ brews?
A hag-riculturist!
What did the witch say when the door-to-door broom salesman showed her a vacuum.
I don't want an automatic. I want a stick shift!
I ain’t a personal trainer, but I can host a one-on-one workout !
We could do some cardio at your place
What's white on the outside, green on the inside and comes with relish and onions?
A hot frog.
What’s the difference between a football (soccer) referee and a politician?
When the referee gets paid at least someone wins.
I never saw a Purple Cow,
I never hope to see one;
But I can tell you, anyhow,
I’d rather see than be one.
(Gelett Burgess)
What did the Gorilla say to his friend when he called him back on the phone?
You-Rang-a-Tang?
We make a great pear
Wolfs are named after lots of things around and about them. For instance, lumberjack wolfs are known as timber wolfs.
What do vets call a paralyzed squirrel? A busted nut.
“I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it.”
- Edith Sitwell
The favorite fruit of all ghost's are Bloooooo-berries!
I saw you walking by me,
And I fell for you right then.
The sun was shining on your face,
Your hair was blowing in the wind.
But something strange did happen,
A shimmer came across your face.
I blinked and suddenly you were gone,
My heart increased its pace.
I looked around to try and find you,
But alas, you left, you’d gone,
My beautiful reflection,
Washed away inside the pond.
I just want to take you out to brunch and shower you with quiches.
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
What do you call a guy with an ear fetish.
Hard for hearing.
A beaver's tail makes them look odd.
But without it they would look otter.
If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to get me to buy something, I'd be able to afford whatever they're selling.
I can't imagine the stress put on the workers in trying to figure out the newest flu vaccine...
It probably puts a strain on the staff.
My spiritual gift is my good looks. It lifts peoples spirits.
I recently had my hair cut.
At first I didn’t like it but now it’s growing on me.
If it ain’t brogue, don’t fix it.
Fred is so condescending about my tennis strokes. I can’t take any more of his backhanded compliments.
Our backstage manager is leaving at the end of the year. He has been an outstanding member of our theatre team.
Props to him.
There was an Old Man with a flute,
A sarpint ran into his boot;
But he played daay and night,
Till the sarpint took flight,
And avoided that man with a flute.
You’re under arrest for not giving me your number.
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
Did you hear about the banana who went to the doctor's because he wasn't peeling very well?
I scored when I met you.
What do you call a monk who steals a grilled cheese sandwich right off the griddle?
Out of the frying pan and into the friar.
Are you in the on deck circle? Çause you're up next.
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
You spend so much time in my mind, I should charge you rent.
All I want is to fill that vacuum in your heart.
Zebras usually hold strong opinions. They are very black and white creatures.
All the toilets in the police station have disappeared and they are asking for witnesses.
They currently have nothing to go on.
What happened when the werewolf swallowed a clock?
He got ticks.
What did a duck say to the comedian?
You quack me up.
“Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can’t see.”
My sister's laptop is so sassy and fun, it loves to play disc-o music.
How do you make a million dollars in real estate?
You start out with two million.
Why do worms taste like chewing gum?
Because they’re wrigleys!
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
Did you hear the results of the game between the beach and the ocean?
It's tide.