Why didn’t the skeleton laugh at the joke?
Because he didn’t have a funny bone.
How many students does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They use CFLs!
What do you tell the nobles of Scandinavia whenever you're leaving their house?
Viking.
“When I’m under stress, I do yoga. It’s when I’m happiest that I have a problem with junk food.” — Britney Spears
What types of plants do you get after you plant kisses? Tulips.
“I think if we tell people that the brain is an app, they will start using it.”
Anonymous
When were Medieval armies too tired to fight?
When they had a lot of sleepless knights!
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
what a c*nt I think you are.
Oh I didn't mean to pull you in so close. I thought I heard a rutting bull moose.
Summer went swimmingly this year.
The incredible Wizard of Oz,
Retired from his business becoz.
Due to up-to-date science,
To most of his clients,
He wasn't the Wizard he woz.
I was surprised when I saw a man get struck by lightning.
The man was shocked as well.
What do you call a lazy spud? A couch potato.
What sign was posted in the witches' parking lot?
Violators will be toad.
There was an Old Man at a casement,
Who held up his hands in amazement;
When they said, 'Sir, you'll fall!'
He replied, 'Not at all!'
That incipient Old Man at a casement.
What would a winged horse put in the bathtub?
A pegaLush bath bomb.
"My routine is to ride that snooze button as far as it will take me, take a quick shower, get dressed in the dark and bolt out the door."
— Willie Geist
Where does a zombie get a spare body part
Second hand.
"You call it a pandemonium. We call it a family vacation."
If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? H2O cubed.
What do Spanish phantoms say when they like something?
me ghosta.
Did you hear about the bank that wanted to put an ATM up a tree? If it works, they are going to expand the idea to other branches.
What is the favorite punk band of onions? It is a band known as "Good Shallot"!
Are you a beaver? Beause daaaaaaaaam!
Damn, look at that pizza! It's an over panchiever.
Name the child's favorite Christmas king? A stocking.
What cheese surrounds a medieval castle? Moatzeralla
What do you call a train that sneezes? Achoo-choo train.
Why is milk taller than you?
Because it's always pasteurize
Do you hear about the pineapple and honeydew who try to get married? The court says that they cant – eloupe.
It may just be a stage I'm going through, but I sure do love the trapdoors on set.
There's something I've been wanting to say since the day we met. Goodbye.
Broccoli: I look like a tree. Walnut: I look like a brain. Mushroom: I look like an umbrella. Banan Can we change the topic?
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
Did you hear about the forgetful unicorn mom? She kept feeding her kids milk of amnesia.
It's not my fault I fell in love. You are the one that tripped me.
"Oh, I wanna dance with some bunny, with some bunny who loves me."
I'm attracted to you like the Earth is attracted to the Sun - with a large force inversely proportional to the distance squared.
What was written on a knight's headstone?
Rust in peace.
There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'
What to spiders eat in Paris?
French flies.
Why was there lightning and thunder in the lab?
The scientists were brainstorming.
I'm learning about important dates in history. Wanna be in one of them?
After the rain has cleared and the sun comes out, rainbows are so quick to appear they'll red like wildfire.
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his dessert?
Cause he was stuffed.
“So few people admit to belief in astrology, but I am yet to meet anyone who doesn't know their star sign.”
― P.K. Shaw
This soldier, Titius, liked to kick a soccer ball around at night and was suspected of breaking some important statues. When his friends asked why he hadn't showed up for his platoon's morning workout, Terentius Vespa quipped,
"Oh, it's okay - he said he broke an arm."
The only type of berry you will ever find in a barn is a straw-berry.
What type of bread do deers enjoy the most?
“Sour-doe!”