Does Mr. Otterton listen to Gazelle? Yes he's a rabid fan.
What do you call a deer with hooves in his ears?
Anything you want — he can’t hear you.
Why don’t chickens wear pants?
Their peckers are on their face.
The spoiled milk always got what it wanted.
Fruit puns intended
Does he avacado? Because If not you should let that mango.
Why do neurons like e-mail?
The love messages.
Why did DPD rush to Coors Field?
They heard somebody stole third base.
"A tax cut to compensate for a tax increase is not a cut — it's a con."
— Tony Abbott
A farmer complained that he didn't have enough fruit to make a living.
I told him he needs to grow a pear.
Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.
I accidentally sat on a medieval stained glass window at the antique store...
That was a royal pane in the ass.
Who does their best work when they're under the weather?
Meteorologists.
Ever since I laid my eyes on you
I have been wanting to ask you something
Something that has been eating me up
I knew I had to ask it when I got the chance
Are you on twitter?
So that I can follow you
(Anonymous)
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
Hey babe, now that the season's over, lets go back to my place and watch the highlight film.
"Whale, what do we have here?" said the mermaid.
What do you call an onion monk who is present everywhere? Ommnion!
Hey baby, you’ve captured my eye. Could I have it back?
I can't believe I can't see the bottom of the ocean.
It's unfathomable.
If I had a nickel for every time I received a nickel, I would have an infinite amount of nickels.
I'm researching the most common digits in phone numbers. What's your number?
I may not be Mumford, but do you want to have my sons?
“So few people admit to belief in astrology, but I am yet to meet anyone who doesn't know their star sign.”
― P.K. Shaw
Did you hear about the flower who joined Tinder?
He just wants somebudy to love.
I just paid for a boat ride to a magic themed renaissance carnival. The price was reasonable.
It was a fair fairy faire ferry fare.
Why should anyone experiment with thin ice?
It’s the best way to achieve a major breakthrough.
Genoa bout the bridge collapse in Italy?
Ah well, we won't go over it then.
Old gorillas never die, but they do go bananas.
I tried to warn my son about the dangers of Russian roulette...
It went in one ear and out the other.
What time is it Julius? 8:02 Brutus.
It’s so cold mum used a saw to serve us milk.
This pizza party is the perfect topping to a great summer.
I will only give someone a kleenex if I've known them for a long time.
I guess you could say I have trust-tissues.
The prowling youth
With fangs and cape
From trick or treat
There's no escape
Unless you make
Your own trick treats
And hand out bags
Of Ex-lax sweets.
- Patrick Winstanley
Why does the horse go to school?
It brings her fulfillyment.
Oh wow sorry – I just got l’Austin your eyes.
I heard that my neighbor, who loved dried fruit, has passed away. May his soul rest in peach.
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
Who is the first farmer to walk on the moon?
Neil Farmstrong.
What did the cheese say after escaping the mouse? I'm Brieeee!
What kind of tea do wealthy people own?
Proper-Tea.
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
Hi, I'm the Easter Bunny and I don't care if you are naughty or nice!
Are you a werewolf? 'Cause I'm lycan what I see.
What did the annoyed peach say to the mango?
Man-go away!
A balding magician had an act where he'd put a rabbit on his head and make it disappear...
The hare vanished into thin hair.
Who do vampires buy their cookies from? The Ghoul Scouts
I don’t know what I’d do without you, but starting tomorrow I’m going to give it a try.
Why had the beaver left the pond? He thought it was too shallow.