Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, know what I have in common with this new powder? 8 inches.
Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.
Why didn’t the flamingo cross the road?
Because he’s not a chicken.
What happens when you seriously overstuff yourself with turkey at Thanksgiving?
You have a few slices of pumpkin pie.
Could you tell me the oxidation state of this atom and your phone number?
My mom likes to feed everyone the soup she makes. She said it is her broth right.
What do you call a drunk person fumbling with their car keys?
A taxi
Nothing really mattress.
What did the Cheese salesman say? That cheese may be Gouda, but this one is Feta!
Swiped for the dog, stayed for the human.
What roman never gets any dates?
Hidius
A friend has joined a blonds only theatre group. Fair play to him.
How does a crab go when it's right?
"Aw, snap!"
I tripped in France.
Eiffel over.
I visited a coffee shop where the Wifi password was wedonthavewifi.
It was a very frustrating conversation with the cashier.
I joined a support group for former computer hackers.
Anonymous Anonymous.
A lady was looking for a turkey but couldn't find one big enough.
She asked the stock boy "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied "No they're dead."
What is a vampire's favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
My office chair broke. It’s letting me down.
It’s so hot I set the house on fire just to cool off.
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
Real rocks are too heavy.
After his teeth were cleaned, the werewolf ate the dentist.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
They flipper coin!
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
— Anonymous
There was a weird Crab
Whenever he used to walk, his claws used to make a ta-ta-ta-ta sound.
Tigers are bad at basketball because they have only four feet.
What crosswords do zombies like?
Crypt-ic ones.
Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug – although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty-year-old thug thought of that morning.
What is a dog’s favorite dessert?
Pupcakes.
How many wipes does it take to clean a keyboard?
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Did you know you can make a really good music player out of a cherry cake? It’s called a gateau blaster.
You’d better be a cardiologist because something about you makes me want to give you my heart.
What do you call a glove combined with a snake?
Smitten.
What is a ghost's favorite place to work?
Ghoul-gle.
I dropped my steak into the fire.
Well done, me, well done.
What do you get when you cross a Dinosaur and TNT? Dino-mite.
What do you call a funny mountain? hill-arious
Why did Hans cross the road alone?
Hans wanted to travel solo.
The peach sports organization rended a commercial peach for a game of peach ball.
How do the cool camels say hello?
"How you dune?"
There are actually two types of apple: pine – apple and bad – apple.
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
Wanna exchange genetic information with me?
Today, my arm got pinned between my wife's chest and the chair.
It was booby trapped.
Why don't crabs give birthday presents?
Because they're just shellfish.
I heard the local flasher was due to retire.
But hes decided to stick it out for another year.
"My Shadow"
I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.
The funniest things about him is the way he likes to grow-
Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
For he sometimes shoots up taller like an India rubber ball,
And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all.
He hasn't got a notion of how children ought to play,
And can only make a fool of me in every sort of way.
He stays so close beside me, he's a coward you can see;
I'd think shame to stick to nursie as that shadow sticks to me!
One morning, very early, before the sun was up,
I rose and found the shining dew on every buttercup;
But my lazy little shadow, like an arrant sleepy-head,
Had stayed at home behind me and was fast asleep in bed.
– Robert Louis Stevenson
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous.
I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I am very disappointed.
What do you call a hat for the brain?
A thinking cap.