Hear about the race between the Yeti and the Sasquatch?
The Sasquatch won, by a big foot.

My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.

If a cat broke your computer...
Would it be that an error has o-purred ?

What happens if you swallow a whole corn cob?
You get corn-stipated!

It’s party thyme.

I have no idea how so many people didn’t make it out the labyrinth.
It only took me a minotaur two.

My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.

Will Ferell
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.

Corn mazes should be renamed Maize mazes.

What cars do zombies drive?
Monster trucks.

What did one cell say to his sister cell when she stepped in his toe? Mitosis.

Do you have the thyme? I need to get somewhere around tree o’clock.

"Back that glass up."

Why is bra singular and panties plural?

When you cross a wolf and a monkey, you end up with a howler monkey.

I thought swimming with the dolphins was expensive, but swimming with the sharks cost me an arm and a leg!

The ghost was told off when he spook out of turn.

I heard they’re remaking one of the Lord of the Rings movies, but everyone rides around on bicycles instead of horses.
They’re calling it The Two Tires

"Does your father sell diamonds? Because you are FLAWLESS!"

What do cats do after watching a play? Give a round of a-paws.

Did you hear about the geologist who went to jail?
He was charged with basalt and battery.

My friend keeps joking about the thing he has to wear to cover his mouth while he's exercising outside.
It's a running gag.

How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.

Are you doctor recommended? Because I’d like to to get a Hailey dose

"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."

- Andy Warhol

"There's something I've been wanting to say since the day we met - goodbye."

Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"

I'd rather live my whole life assuming there is a God, only to find out that there isn't, than to live my whole life assuming there isn't a God, only to find out there is. -- Peter Barry

You know you're just like the sun, your beauty is blinding.

What is a gorillas second favourite fruit to eat behind bananas?=
Ape-ricots

What happened when the cargo ship full of books sank?
It caused a title wave!

What type of tree can be put inside your hand? A palm tree.

The doctor advised I tried a milk bath. I asked if it needs to be pasteurized. No, just above the knees she replied.

“Yes, I deserve a spring – I owe nobody nothing."
– Virginia Woolf

"Exclamation!"

I have a strange addiction,
It often sets off sparks!
I really cannot seem to stop,
Using exclamation marks!

They appear when I am writing!
Even in a shopping list!
If I don’t put one at the end
I feel something’s been missed!

It started as a positive!
It made people feel happy!
But now, I fear, it may bring tears!
It makes my teacher snappy!

Exclamation marks (!!!)
Can show how to command,
They show when things are exciting!
Or getting out of hand!

As you can see this problem,
Is one I now must end.
But, I can’t help but feel, maybe,
The question mark’s my friend?

(Anyone heard of the interrobang?!)

– Fiona Halliday

Yo girl are you the 29th state added to America?
Because Iowanna be with anybody else

What do chickens grow on?
Eggplants.

"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."

- Natasha Leggero

What is the only thing that can cure a sick do-nut?
An antidought!

"I don't share blame. I don't share credit. And I don't share desserts"
– Beverly Sills

You must be a keyboard. Because you're just my type.

I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.

Where you flying today? Because you landed in my heart.

Which side of a duck has the most feathers?
The outside.

What do you call friends with airpods in their ears
Earbuds.

"I feel like most of my work problems could be solved with a trip to…anywhere."

The depressing thing about tennis is
I will never be as good as a wall.

I think you are suffering from a lack of Vitamin Me.

“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley

What Christmas carol do candy bars sing? Almond Joy To The World.