How many peaches can you fit inside two cans? It depends how big the Toucans are and if they eat peaches.
What did the piece of Cheddar say to the ghost? I'm Lac-ghost intolerant
Why was the cabinet maker fired on his first day?
He just couldn't get a handle on it.
You’re what I’m most thankful for this year.
It’s so cold I had to eat ice cream just to warm up.
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
Why are geologists so good in school?
They take nothing for granite.
"Exclamation!"
I have a strange addiction,
It often sets off sparks!
I really cannot seem to stop,
Using exclamation marks!
They appear when I am writing!
Even in a shopping list!
If I don’t put one at the end
I feel something’s been missed!
It started as a positive!
It made people feel happy!
But now, I fear, it may bring tears!
It makes my teacher snappy!
Exclamation marks (!!!)
Can show how to command,
They show when things are exciting!
Or getting out of hand!
As you can see this problem,
Is one I now must end.
But, I can’t help but feel, maybe,
The question mark’s my friend?
(Anyone heard of the interrobang?!)
– Fiona Halliday
I knew a vampire who was trying to become an actor. He gave it his best shot, but ended up retraining. He just couldn't find a role he could sink his teeth into.
my buddy’s sad after getting fired from taco bell, so being a caring friend i asked if he wanted to
taco bout it?
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
Peas excuse how bad this pun is.
Q: What does the tiger use to brush his mane?
A: A catacomb.
What do you call an onion who wants to go on romantic dates in Paris? A French onion.
"The first thing you learn in life is you’re a fool. The last thing you learn in life is you’re the same fool."
Anonymous
(Pick up a sugar packet off the floor) Uh, miss? I think you dropped your name tag.
Everyone teased the snowman for having a pointy nose, but he didn’t carrot all.
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
There are many grounds religious children can practice their soccer skills. However, most of them love the prayground.
What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus!
Grandpa died because we couldn’t figure out his blood type.
At least he told us to be positive.
What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing? Au revoir.
“‘Snow in April is abominable,’ said Anne. ‘Like a slap in the face when you expected a kiss.’” — L.M. Montgomery
"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"
"No sun."
Did you know garden gnomes wear little red hats?
It’s a little gnome fact.
I came across a man who was eating strawberries at the bank. He told me he wanted to eat rich food.
Have you heard about the chef on space station? He’s not that much of an astronaut, but his food is literally out of this world!
The judge sentenced the basketball player to life imprisonment because he shot the ball.
“We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… after I finish laughing.”
— Unknown
Why did the Ghost turn down the job? He could not see himself doing it.
Why did the dog cross the road?
Because he was chasing the chicken.
Why didn't the unripe strawberry got any cards and chocolates for Valentine's Day? Because it was really sour.
You must be the North Star because the light around you guided me here.
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld
It’s your birthday, there is no cure,
Cakes and candles, you must endure,
Quick and painless, let me assure,
A tiny chance, you will be mature,
With this crowd, usually secure,
Random fun, with results obscure,
Liquids we drink, definitely pure,
Goofy friends, minds we tour,
Hilarious birthday, that’s for sure.
(Martin Dejnicki)
How was the misbehaving lightning bolt punished?
He was grounded.
Where do bad jokes about skeletons belong?
In the skelebin.
“It's easy to find out who is going to become a tax collector. In the nursery, give all the kids lemons. The one who squeezes it dry is going to work for the IRS.”
I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
Why did the hipster burn his lips?
He ate his pizza before it was cool.
Hey how’s it going? Ben jammin’ much today?
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
The chocolate couple decided to rent a two bedroom sweet for their summer honeymoon.
The mama nut told her children to kick off their dirty cashews before stepping into the house.
Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.
Are you the end of practice? Because you’re always on my mind.
What's an owl's favorite subject at school?
Owl-gebra.
What kind of fruit salad is most resistant to sunburn?
The kind with extra melon in.