I did a good deed today by giving up my seat on the bus to an elderly lady...
How was I supposed to know she’d never driven a bus before?
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
We bee-long together.
Give me extra time; I’ll prove to you that I’m worth it.
“Don't be so humble – you are not that great.”
Golda Meir
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
"Oh, sweet child of wine."
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Kanga.
Kanga who?
Actually, it’s kangaroo.
“I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes.”
— Mick Jagger
What’s the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels.
What did the mama turkey say to her naughty son? If your papa could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!
My sheep-powered computer was starting to run slowly
So I added more ram
What do we learn from cows, buffaloes and elephants?
It’s impossible to reduce weight by eating green grass and salads and walking.
What do you call an elf who hasn’t had a date in two years or more?
Elf on the shelf.
Why go to the beach? I’d rather be by the ski-side.
“Luckily, today has been canceled. Go back to bed.”
– Unknown
How do you reply to an email about someone freaking out at the Los Angeles International Airport?
Re:LAX
What street does the hippocampus live on?
Memory lane.
Why didn't the brain want to take a bath?
What did four of the last five presidents drink? Left-Tea.
Give papa a cup of proper coffee in a copper coffee cup.
You stole my heart, so can I steal your last name?
The Second World War was very slow because they were Stalin.
My friends and I are starting a disco group.
We'll dress as a Viking, a Mongol, a Caribbean pirate, a Bedouin raider, and a Spanish conquistador.
We call ourselves: The Pillage People.
A classically trainer theater performer just became a spy.
I guess you could say they perform... thespionage
"I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died."
- Richard Diran
It was mitten in the stars.
Challah if you see me in the streets. Will do.
My doctor told me "No more spicy food.", but I decided to have one last fennel fling.
Let’s make some pour decisions.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
What do you call a bear who practices dentistry?
A molar bear.
Your lips look so lonely. Would they like to meet mine?
I hear this house is haunted… we better stick together.
I got a C in Physics and my parents grounded me.
They say I don't understand the gravity of the situation.
There was an Old Man, on whose nose,
Most birds of the air could repose;
But they all flew away
At the closing of day,
Which relieved that Old Man and his nose.
The computer wanted to get out of the house, so it used the Windows.
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
How do Vikings get each other's attention?
They ValHolla!
Did you hear about the boat dock that committed murder?
He’s going to be judged by a jury of its piers.
Near an ear, a nearer ear, a nearly eerie ear.
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." —Mark Twain
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
Fork: "Who was that ladle I saw you with last night?"
Spoon: "That was no ladle. That was my knife."
Heard Russia has the vaccine to Coronavirus. I'm probably not Putin that into my body.
Why did the T-Rex get a ticket? He ran through the stomp sign.
How do bears keep their houses cool in summer?
Bear conditioning.
I just got fired from my theatre job. I guess I should've made a bigger scene about it.
Why did Santa put a clock in his sleigh? He wanted to see time fly!
On Halloween night in the year 1804
Costumed as a witch, I knocked on a door
Now it's plain to see
A spell was cast on me
I became a frog, hopping on the floor
Years of Hallowed nights had all passed by
I was growing weary but had to try
to find a Prince to kiss
and the spell I could dis
Not one of the snooty royals would comply
I once sought the lips of a Prince Charming
Until fat frogs appeared to be swarming
All reaching for my lips
Such an apolcalypse
It was disgusting and quite alarming
In 1942 I trick-Or-Treated with Prince Chris
Who refused to smooch. Ah, I reminisce
So, I remained a frog
In a swamp, on a log
Because Chris said he was really a 'miss'
Halloween 2022, and what am I to do?
Over a century I've been sad and blue
A Prince to touch my lips
To stroke my curvy hips
Is there a man who'll kiss me among you?
- by Jenna Logan