What kind of tropical fruit wants to visit the moon?
A Coco-naut
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
During the medieval time period, there weren't many extremely bad people. There were only mid-evil people during that age.
Vampires love corny jokes and puns. I don't think they're funny, but it's probably to do with them being pun-dead.
- Do old zombie actors ever die?
- Yes, they sometimes drop a part.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
Q: How did the tiger perform during the show?
A: He was a roaring success.
What’s the worst thing about broken elevator puns? They’re not very uplifting.
What's white on the outside, green on the inside and comes with relish and onions?
A hot frog.
What weighs more: a pound of logs or a pound of leaves? They weigh the same.
Why do golfers love donuts?
Always a hole-in-one!
What do you get when you cross an avocado with a two way radio?
A Guackie-talkie
Want to start a Hula band that covers music by Poison.
Gonna call it Poi, Son.
Did you see that movie about King Kong, the giant ape?
The plot was pretty bananas.
It's getting warmer and the snow is melting. Time for me to melt your heart.
How are snow boards and vacuum cleaners alike?
Both have dirt bags on board.
Q: What did the old orange see before it died?
A: The grim ripe-r.
Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water?
He had a very esteemed colleague.
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you.
People are harder. They pretend to be your friend first.
- Steve Irwin
There four things we simply cannot choose in this life
1. Our parents
2. Our nationality
3. Our physical attributes
4. The Russian president
Why blondes can't make Koolaid? Because they can't get 2 quarts of water in that small koolaid envelope.
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
Know what kind of cookies rich people love? Fortune cookies.
I tried to make a wooden submarine.
It didn't go down so well.
If some of Fred Flintstone's neurotransmitters could talk, what would they say?
"Gaba-Daba-Do!"
A person with a very blocked nose walks into a doctors office.
The doctor says: "So, you're having mucus problems?"
The person replies: "perhaps, perhaps snot.
Can I bother you for an aspirin tablet? Just looking at you from across the room is giving me heart-related pains.
She has high elf-esteem.
Today, I am eating a bun filled with pineapple and ham for my dinner. That is Hawaii roll.
A hippie when his opponent disputes his calls: That’s pretty far-out, man!
What's the best part about the end of Halloween?
Putting the skeletons back in the closet!
Mushrooms always hate going to school. They feel inferior before the rest because they are always so spore-d.
Did anybody ever consider that cannibalism would resolve both overpopulation – and world hunger?
What flowering plant is an amazing equestrian? The horse chestnut.
I don't know where I put my queen after the last chess game.
Maybe she's lost I need to check.
What do you get if you cross a dinosaur with a pig?
Jurassic Pork.
What did the corn farmer give to his therapist?
An ear full.
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
Groucho Marx
I tried to phone the spiritual leader of Tibet once, but I was sent a big goat with a long neck instead.
I must have phoned Dial-a-Llama by mistake.
“You should see my corgis at sunset in the snow. It’s their finest hour. About five o’clock they glow like copper. Then they come in and lie in front of the fire like a string of sausages.”
– Tasha Tudor
What did the anciient Roman soldier tell his girlfriend?
You are a solid X
What do you call one day below freezing and the next day at 70 degrees?
“It’s snowing today, but water you doing tomorrow?”
"Put Up With Me"
I'm glad that you're my mother,
kind and caring and strong.
Coz surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!
– Holly Giffers
My new Halloween cookies are bringing everyone back for more!
I call them boo merginues.
Whenever I give my daughter cherries, she stuffs them in the chair
Now we call them chairries
What is a pianist’s favorite cheese ?
Mozzartrella.
Q: Why are mummies such great spies?
A: They keep things under wraps
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ike.
Ike who?
Ike can rock your world, baby.
Date a soccer player. We can go for 90 minutes and know 11 different positions.