What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
One of my mother's friends asked if she could be a surrogate
I guess she was just looking for a womb for rent.
I gave my toddler peas for the first time. He wasn't very hap-pea.
There’s a lot of debate over where the best place to punch a shark is.
Personally, I think it’s the sea.
“I’m actually banned from the Himalayas, because I’m too good at yoga.” – Judah Friedlander
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
How do you catch an electric eel?
You can catch an electric eel with a lightning rod!
My dad always used to tell me, "Never put all your eggs in one basket."
Which is probably why we lost the Easter egg hunt.
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
What did the Endoplasmic Reticulum say to the Golgi. I like your body, and the Golgi said it's complex.
Silly Sally swiftly shooed seven silly sheep. The seven silly sheep Silly Sally shooed shilly-shallied south. These sheep shouldn’t sleep in a shack; sheep should sleep in a shed.
Did you hear about the little people starting a beer making operation?
It's a micro brewery.
Why do we never tell jokes about pizza?
They’re too cheesy.
Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
Easter and April Fools’ are on the same day this year.
For efficiency, send your kids to look for eggs that you haven’t hidden.
Why cant a dwarf be depressed?
Because they are compressed.
Hey would you believe me if I said I was bitten by a crocodile?
I seem to find a way of sneaking chocolate into movie theaters..
.. I always have a few twix up my sleeve.
Which search engine is popular amongst mice? Ask Cheese.
My uncle moved to Spain to sing on stage by night and sell UPVC windows by day. He changed his name to....
Enrique Doubleglazius.
How can someone tell if a bee is on their phone? They'll get a buzzy signal.
How does a penguin get around?
By icicle.
I heard there are some fires near Greece
We’re gonna need a lot of baking soda.
Why did the czar cross the road?
To get to his car.
If there was a material made of milk which could store electricity...
...it would be called buttery.
What did the angry artist say? Don't get me arted!
Q: Why was young Tutankhamun home from school?
A: He caught a gold.
What’s the perfect gift for someone who is always raisin’ the bar? Oatmeal
raisin.
What's the best way to get King Kong to sit up and beg? Wave a two-ton banana in front of his nose.
Are you a Gingersnap/Eggnog Latte? Because I want to bring you home for the holiday.
Hey, are you a campfire? ‘Cause you’re super hot and I want s’more.
What do you call luggage made of snakeskin?
Ex-hiss baggage.
A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called the SWAT team.
“The North Pole doesn’t import goods because it’s Elf Sufficient.”
My parents always brought me up to believe the sky's the limit.
Which was a shame because I wanted to be an astronaut.
I was milking a cow and a fly flew in its ear.
I thought, that’s weird, I just kept milking. A while later, the same fly showed up in the milk bucket. I guess that’s what they say: in one ear, out the udder.
If you want to impress the crowd, hit overheads. Every point will be a smash hit.
“At the end of a rainbow, there’s a pot of gold. But when the weekend comes to an end, there’s only a Monday.”
How one snowman greets the other one?
Ice to meet you.
Did you know vampires aren’t real?
Unless you Count Dracula.
Where can you find a bunch of clowns who deserve to be in jail? Silly Con Valley.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
Are you the moon? Because even when it’s dark you still seem to shine.
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
- Rita Rudner
“What is the only flaw of being intelligent?…that you have to deal with stupid people.”
Anonymous
I bet you play soccer because you're a keeper.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
What became of the pig who got fired from his job? He became canned ham.
Did you hear about the golfer who started a colonoscopy clinic?
He does 18 holes a day.
You’re pretty and I’m damn cute. If we’re together, we would be pretty cute.