I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
Which band were way ahead of their time in the stage lighting department?
LED Zeppelin.
My friend mashed up some cherries on halloween and said they were blood. I was cherry-fied!
Hey, was your daddy a barista because you are ALMOST what I ordered.
What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument?
The xylobone.
In the last peach race, I put $30 peach way on two new racers.
A village somewhere in the Midlands
Was harassed by a bodiless dead man,
But sans charger or steed,
How could they, indeed,
Be afraid of a lone horseless headman?
- Jim Slaughter
What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!
Where do you most often find onions having a drink? In the salad bar.
What flies around your light at night and can bite your head off?
A tiger moth.
The weather man said there won’t be any rain for 6 months, but I drought it.
Last night I dreamt I was swimming in a sea of oranges. I guess it was just a Fanta-sea!
A cup of coffee is the ideal start to a brew-tiful morning!
So you live in the seventh most populous city in France?
Must be Nice.
Snow on and snow forth.
“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.”
Yogi Berra
What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."
― Elbert Hubbard
What did the turkey say during Thanksgiving?
It was too stuffed to say anything.
I was going to smoke a turkey this Thanksgiving.
But they banned flavored vapes.
October, November, cool, cooold, cooooooldest, March, April.
How do you wash clothes at the beach?
With Tide.
I recently took a pole and found out 100% of the occupants were angry with me when their tent collapsed.
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
Pink is the early bird of the rainbow colors, it's always the first to rose and shine.
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
How much pot, could a pot roast roast, if a pot roast could roast pot.
Let me be a chicken nugget, and take a dip in your sauce.
I was just reading an article called "10 most scenic runs"... the third one was with you!
All farts...are laughing gas.
You are the square to my root.
I'd definitely let you join in my reindeer games.
- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Turnip.
- Turnip who?
- Turnip the volume, this is my all-time favorite song!
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
"Remember when I asked you out? Well, I was talking to the girl behind you"
What did the ocean say to the pirate?
Nothing, it just waved!
What kind of pizza do you order on Christmas?
Cheeses Crust.
Two Soviet Ships Collide - One Dies.
Which dog won the race? A weiner dog.
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
“The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you are not in shape for it, its too far to walk back.”
Andy Rooney
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
What did the dog say when he had a bad day?
Today has been ruff.
What do you call it when a prisoner takes his own mug shot? A cellfie.
I think I found my perfect match
What do you call a potato at a football game? A spec-tater.
As a mythologist and head of the household,
My word is lore.
Let’s show Potassium and water that the two of us can make a more energetic reaction together than them!
Why do companies all around the world fear Vikings?
Because of their skills in hacking
What do you call the art of Freezer meditation?
Fro-zen!