When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
I eat eel while you peel eel
What do you drink before you audition for "The Voice" ? Tea-Lo Green
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
Warning! Do not look at the sun through a colander.
You'll strain your eyes.
Are you made of uranium? I’m made of iodine! That explains why all I can see is U and I together.
You must be copper because I always cu in my dreams.
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
How did the skeletons make s’mores when they went camping?
They made them on the bone-fire.
Why did the witch's cat scratch her?
Because he was in a bad mewd.
Why settle for metaphors? How about I turn that simile into a smile?
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity and it’s impossible to put down.
I once convinced my younger brother to swallow a small lamp.
I got in so much trouble but it was worth it to see his little face light up.
Did you hear about the crocodile who was unable to mate?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
What do you call an onion who decides to be very eco-friendly in its approach? You name it a green onion.
Why don’t most people enjoy jokes about taco shells?
They’re too corny
A guy just walked into my store and bought a bunch of fog machines so I called the cops.
He must belong to an extreme mist organization.
Do you know what you call the outside of a watermelon?
“Rind of.”
Accordion to one study, people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument, but I don’t believe that tuba true.
What do you call royal pineapple? Your pine-ness.
A lobster's favorite shot in tennis?
The lob.
Why did the Chinese communist party try to cover up the outbreak of the corona virus disease?
They were afraid not everyone could get it.
You are more precious than my blue suede shoes
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
- Alan Dundes
Why does nobody invite Jupiter to the space parties? Because he has too much gas, always…
"I'm an Easter eggs-pert."
The computer said my password needed at least eight characters and at least one number, so I changed it to Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
Lightning never strikes coffee in its bean form.
Only when it's ground.
What do you feed a 700 pound gorilla?
Just give him anything he wants and then run.
Why didn’t the horse buy a house?
The costs were mounting.
Q: What is a cloud's favorite reptile?
A: A blizzard.
Where's a pickle's favorite place to go in London?
Pickle-dilly Square.
Having rumpled clothing is a pressing issue, but I am sure that I can iron out a solution.
People don't believe me when I tell them I'm the lead singer in a Black Eyed Peas tribute band....
Well I am.
What happened to the football team that practiced in a corn field?
They got creamed!
Where do you put nectarines when you want to freeze them? Inside the peach-zer.
Have you seen that film about the onion that turns into a spider?
It's called Shallot's Web
What do you get if you cross a witch with a werewolf?
A mad dog that chases airplanes!
How do baseball players stay in contact with each other?
They touch base every once in a while.
Skier in ER: Doc, I slipped on my way to the chairlift.
Doctor: Icy.
What do you call a hot dog race? Wiener takes all.
When I count my blessings, I make sure to count you twice.
A sphinx was guarding a road when a traveler walked by.
The sphinx said to the man, "You may pass if you can answer my riddle: What is wider than an ocean, heavier than a mountain, and unbounded by the laws of physics?"
The man thought for a moment and answered, "Imagination."
"Wrong," said the Sphinx. "The answer is your mom."
If I was your heart would you let me beat?
What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.
“Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.”
My wife threw a block of cheddar at my head
I said "Well that's mature."
An overworked elf walks into a bar the day before Christmas and orders a beer. "Hey look, everyone! It's an elf!" the bartender exclaims. "I'm sorry, but that phrase is now insensitive and politically incorrect," the elf says. "We prefer to be called subordinate clauses."
How do cows intake water?
by Osmoosis.
Are you a can of bear spray? ‘Cause you really spice things up around here.