I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain
You know what they say... Big Feet.
What does a runner lose after winning the race?
His breath.
Have you noticed that most wolf parties begin at around midnight? Well, it is not by coincidence, it is so that they can have a howling good time.
“Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keep friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.”
Greenville Kleisser
Why did the bank have the squirrel arrested?
He was foraging checks.
What do you call an alligator that sneaks up and bites you from behind?
A tail-gator.
"A good run is like a cup of coffee. I'm much nicer after I've had one."
Unknown
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
Why did the orange lose the race?
“Because it got Im-peached.”
“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
- George Benard Shaw
"There's a woman trapped under a motorway bridge in Italy."
"Genoa?"
"I'm not sure, I can't see her face."
My favourite piece in chess is the rook
It is the most straight-forward.
Has anyone told you you have the best smile ever? Honestly, its Nat-a-lie!
I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.
The look on his face was priceless.
Why was Pegasus such a good ballerina?
He was flo-wing.
What did Papa Pig shout at his kids in the car?
“Stop swining! We’re nearly there.”
A friend failed his medical exam when he X-rayed his lower torso.
He didn’t put his heart into it.
My four year old has been learning Spanish all year and still can't say the word please.
Which I think is poor for four.
Best in snow.
"You crack me up."
It's not that I don't want to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Henrietta.
Henrietta who?
Henrietta worm that was in his apple.
Defeat in soccer is only bitter if you swallow it.
What is the most expensive kind of fish?
The goldfish.
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
Where do zombie monkeys live?
In the brain forest.
I would love to live in Yorkshire, because it Leeds me to your heart.
"Finland has produced so many brilliant distance runners because back home it costs $2.50 a gallon for gas."
Esa Tikkannen
What did the nut tell itself before crossing the finish line? “I pe-can do it!”
What does a couch say to another couch at the other side of the room?
We are sofa apart!
Which book will be preferred by a man who sells milk? Cream and Punishment.
What does an owl with an attitude have?
A scowl.
Q: What is a cloud's favorite reptile?
A: A blizzard.
What did the flower write in his mother’s day card?
I’m proud to be orchid.
Why did the chicken use a bridge to cross the road?
He wanted to take the high way.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer?
Because his wife told him to ice it!
Why didn’t the turkey bake properly on Thanksgiving?
I’ve no idea but I suspect some fowl play.
What do you call it when a sloth eats a second plate of food?
Slothy seconds
“Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.” — Don Herold
What does a werewolf say in church?
Howleluia!
Why do seals have trouble eating bread?
Because they're seal-iacs.
I am sure it is not this jog, you definitely just took my breath away.
"Your kisses are to dye for."
Want to be workout buddies?
What do you call half a head of lettuce?
The Romaine-der.
Egg puns are the most egg-citing.
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
What do get if you cross a duck and Santa? A Christmas Quacker.