Did you hear about the Irishman killed with a garden gnome?
It was a knick-knack paddywhack.
Why did the kangaroo hesitate?
He didn’t want to jump to a conclusion.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Anna!
Anna who?
Anna partridge in a pear tree.
Baby, you're so sweet, you put Hershey's outta business.
You must be copper because I could really CU ending up with me.
Hey, I would like to introduce my Crouching Tiger to your Hidden Dragon.
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
Your mausoleum or mine?
My wife bought me a scalp massager for Christmas, but I couldn't figure out what it was.
Turns out it was a real head scratcher.
"Chardonnay or should I go?"
I saw a lady riding a camel and being pulled by a truck... It was a camel tow
What do you call a nut who works hard? One who burns the mid-nut oil.
They say March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. Ewe might say it leaves sheepishly.
Your body has the nicest arc length I have ever seen.
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
Because she broke the record.
I can't find my scrubber in the shower
It's aloof-ah
Damn girl, I must be reading a book because you are FINE print.
What happens when you go on an all-cheese diet?
You cheddar few pounds.
What do llamas do when they eat outside together?
They have an alpacanic.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
What did France, Great Britain, and their allies say after The Great War?
World War Won.
Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance? Because he had no-body to go with.
“I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died” — Malcolm Forbes
Which building do vampires always visit when in New York?
The Vampire State Building.
Last time I was in France I wanted to ask a question about strawberries
But I wasn't sure how to fraise it.
What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A CAT-HAS-TROPHY! How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogey in it!
I can row a boat.
Canoe?
What would a winged horse put in the bathtub?
A pegaLush bath bomb.
What is a potato’s life philosophy? I think, therefore I yam.
Did you hear about the new book called "100 Miles to the Next Restroom"?
It's by Will E. Mayket and Betty Wunt.
What does it feel like to be the most gorgeous girl in the room?
Why was the cat kicked out of the game? They thought she was a cheetah.
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
Are you doing Ananda Balasana, or are you just happy to see me, baby?
Why do referees always hurry to catch their next flight? Because it's "two
minutes 'fore boarding!"
Why did the wolf take so long to cross the road?
It was pretending to be a snail.
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.” — Joe Girard
To the person who has been eating all of my mixed nuts.
I'm going to cashew.
Give me just a FRACTION of your heart and I will SOLVE all of your problems.
"Going on a hike is like having your car break down but on purpose."
- John Lyon
I heard someone complain about the bus being too crowded, it was a 'bus-load' of people!
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
They flipper coin!
“Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” —Redd Fox
You need to go out on a date with me right now. Alex-plain later
Do you suffer from anxiety that an intruder may be hiding in your room?
You're not alone.
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
You must be glue because I am sticking with you.
An atom loses an electron...
It says, "man, I really gotta keep an ion them."