Why should the Sun get into a school? To get brighter.
What do you call a 2D fairy?
Pixie-lated.
Why did the cheese lover hide cheese in the back of his fridge?
In queso emergency.
Pirates Private Property.
Let's boomerbang!
I have an April fools joke going on with my landlord
I am not paying rent this April 1st hehe, don't tell him.
Police chief: Do you have any leads or suspects for the murder case? Me: I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress.
Police chief: Please just wear your police uniform.
Q: Why did the king go to the dentist?
A: To get his teeth crowned!
It is not uncommon for elephants to start a stampede. Especially if they want to play for the Chargers.
Why does everyone invite ice cream to the party?
It’s cool.
What do you call a half dozen wolves drinking beer?
A six pack.
I like New York, unique New York, I like unique New York.
The most suitable way to bake a pie in autumn is to bake it to pie-fection!
Man wins award after he died eating appetizers at a Mediterranean restaurant
It was a Post-Hummus award.
Are you a red blood cell? Because you never fail in delivering what my heart needs.
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield
“Grandmas don’t just say “that’s nice”—they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money’s worth out of grandmas.”—Unknown
There was an Old Man of Nepaul,
From his horse had a terrible fall;
But, though split quite in two,
By some very strong glue,
They mended that Man of Nepaul.
“I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes.”
— Mick Jagger
A sloth walks in to a bar and waves to get the bartender’s attention, and says I’ll have...... a soda water.
The bartender replies “why the long paws?”
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.”
Stephen Colbert
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
If Hamlet was alive now, he would have only worn t-shirts saying 2B or not 2B!
When is the worst time to have a heart attack?
During a game of charades.
“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”
Emo Philips
"I don't believe in jogging. It extending your life, but by about the same amount of time you spend jogging."
Marshall Brickman
What happened when a bat misbehaved in night school?
She got suspended.
The ancient Egyptian people knew how to prepare delicious jams. It was only because of their skill of preserving things.
What kind of dance do single people do on Valentine's Day?
The Independance!
Chuck Norris changed a lightbulb...
With one hand he held the bulb, with the other he turned the house.
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
Roses are red,
I’m going to bed.
What did the peanut say to the cashew after their argument?
Imma cashew outside!
What is the most effective way to cook a crocodile?
In a croc pot.
The students were going nuts when they saw all the assignments due in the curri-kola-m.
I tried to change my email password to “beef stew” the other day. It was refused because it was not stroganoff.
Why did Comic Sans divorce Times New Roman? He just wasn’t her type.
"Great minds drink alike."
My kid’s toy submarine was having trouble staying under water...
I hope this will not surface again
This may be the wine talking, but I really, really, really, really love wine.
Visitors are Doolin over these gorgeous views.
Why was red in awe of orange?
“Because orange blue green.”
Will you give me your number or will you let me spend the whole night guessing the digits?
Why should you make a cherry pie for someone that you miss? Because absence bakes the heart grow fonder.
Honey, if you were a space station, you’d be called Deep Space Fine.
Why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea weed.
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
No one can accuse this trip of being plane.
How good is a Coney Island gyro? Feta than se*.
What is John Lennon's favorite donut? Strawberry' Filled Forever.'