What do you call a can of soda in a conglomerate? Coca-Cola Clastic.
Did you hear the new pop song about Covid?
...it's pretty catchy.
Do you need some encourage-mint?
Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins?
He baptized one and kept the other as control.
Q: Why do windmills love loud, heavy rock music?
A: They’re metal fans.
Why wasn't the jogger all that bummed out when his girlfriend broke up with him?
'Cause they had a good run.
I received an award at work for being the most secretive employee.
I can’t tell you how much this means to me.
What’s the name of the gardener’s favorite show? Lawn and order.
What do you call a periodic table with gold missing? "Au revoir"
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye?
A do-you-think-he-saur-us.
What’s a penguin’s favorite salad?
Iceberg lettuce!
What’s the only type of melon that changes colours at will? Well, a chamelon.
I boiled a funny bone once.
It turned into a laughing stock.
Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.
It's so cold hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!
The Beavers have the ugliest house in the neighborhood.
It’s a dam shame.
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
I could’ve sworn I had your number. I guess you’re going to have to put it on my phone again.
It’s so cold that when I needed an anesthetic, the dentist told me to stick my head out the hospital window.
Why can't Vikings fans eat cereal? Because they choke before they ever reach the bowl.
"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." —Mickey Mantle
I hit a crow in my truck one day, and it flew into the next lane and landed on a police car. I was ticketed for flipping the officer the bird.
What kind of music do mummies listen to?
Wrap music.
"Are you sure about this?"
"Crust me, I'm on a roll."
What did the magician say to the fisherman?
"Pick a cod, any cod."
I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.
What do you say to an overbearing pig? Stop porcine the issue.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Toucan.
Toucan who?
Toucan play at that game!
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
I'll be your farm boy if you'll be my Princess Bride.
What is a dog’s favorite book?
Harry Paw-ter and the Sorcerer’s Bone.
Man: Your face must turn a few heads!
Woman: And your face must turn a few stomachs!
A car carrying bank robbers and a truck carrying cement collided yesterday. Police are now searching for hardened criminals.
Did you know they tested the Mars rover against animal attacks?
They had to switch to dogs because Curiosity killed the cat.
Are you an audiobook? Because I want to listen to you forever.
Baby, you're just like water ...
Except Jesus turned you into fine.
I'm sorry but you need to pay your rent.
You've been living in my heart for quite some time now.
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a cow?
A kanga-moo.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Nana.
Nana who?
Nana your business.
Reading is a novel idea.
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
Definition of Irony - When the Year Of The Rat starts with a plague.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
Opening a new shadow puppet theatre. Business plan says we'll make a fortune, but those are just projected figures.
I was at the beach today when I saw a man in the sea yelling “Help, shark! Help!”
I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
What did the triangle say to the circle? Your pointless!
“Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.”
– Samuel Butler
Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!"
Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook"- Julia Child