Why couldn’t Jonah trust the ocean?
Because he knew there was something fishy about it.
A student made our teacher so angry, they flipped their desk
Oh, the tables have turned
How many light bulbs
Does it take to screw a shrink?
Oh, got it backwards.
I know this bird who was excluded from his flock for being too big
He was ostrich-sized.
One of the most courageous souls in the world is anybody who looks at a pineapple and thinks that “I bet I would eat it.”
Last Christmas, I got my sister a build-it-yourself medieval fort. She wasn't very happy with it, but my mother reprimanded her by saying that it isn't the gift, but the fort that counts!
Pumpkin Spice season is finally here, better latte than never.
Why did the beaver refuse to laugh at any of the twig's jokes? He is not a big fan of dry humor.
I cannot espresso
how much you mean to me.
What did the prehistoric Greeks call their goddess of love?
Troglodite.
A sloth walks in to a bar and waves to get the bartender’s attention, and says I’ll have...... a soda water.
The bartender replies “why the long paws?”
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
I accidentally kicked my bed post when I got up this morning, almost couldn't move!
Luckilly, I called a toe truck.
What did the cheese call himself after he got dumped?
Forever provolone.
Why couldn’t the dragon eat his birthday cake?
He destroyed it while trying to blow out the candles.
What is a rabbit’s favorite dance? The bunny hop.
Local weather reports state there won't be any rain for 1 year, but I drought it.
Did you hear the joke about the roof? I doubt you’d get it. It’s over your head.
I love the smell of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies They smell just like burned toast
Cycle with me? I feel like I’m on a whole other gear when I’m with you!
Where’s the best place to find out information about pistachios?
The inter-nut.
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy? A power play.”
In Spain, you should not develop a program beyond 2.0.
Because that would be over dos.
“The key to my heart looks a whole lot like a plate of pasta.”
― Unknown
There's no need to cherry your feelings, I know you love me really.
What game do fawns like playing at sleepovers?
Truth-or-deer.
You have a body like the North Star. Wise men will follow it.
It's Taco Night, so on my way home, I grabbed a bag of shredded cheese at the store, queso we needed some more.
.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
You know, the heart’s the hungriest organ.
It has the heartiest appetite.
My business that sells strawberry juice has gone into liquidation
What do you call a sneezing big foot in Spanish?
Achoopacabra.
There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.
Hey babe, now that the season's over, lets go back to my place and watch the highlight film.
When you come across oranges wearing suntan lotion, don’t judge them harshly. They do so in order not to peel.
"We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle."
- Winston Churchill
If I had 5 dollars for every math test I have ever failed then I would have 37 dollars.
What did the grilled cheese say to the frying pan?
You make me melt.
"A stupid person laughs three times at a joke; once when everyone else is laughing, a second time when he actually gets the joke, and a third time when he realizes he was laughing without getting the joke at first."
Why did Santa put a clock in his sleigh? He wanted to see time fly!
How does a flower propel a bicycle?
It petals!
Wanna go explore some celestial bodies together?
How do you measure a mosquito’s harddrive?
With bug bytes.
My computer was running pretty hot
Until I downloaded some fan art, and now it's working better.
I love you from my head tomato
What’s the best way to serve pi?
A la mode. Anything else is mean.
How do you keep bacon from curling in the pan?
You take away their little brooms
What do you call a otter that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
Mitch Hedberg