What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck.
Chuck Norris can beat his reflection at rock paper scissors.
She sells seashells on the seashore.
The shells she sells are seashells, I’m sure.
And if she sells seashells on the seashore,
Then I’m sure she sells seashore shells.
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put ‘U’ and ‘I’ together.
What did the happy realtor say to his client after making the deal?
He said, "Well, all's well that dwells well."
It is said that crows and owls are in caw-hoots.
What do you call a parrot that flew away?
A polygon.
What happened when Dr. Frankenstein swallowed some uranium?
He got atomic ache.
Why did the pig break up with her boyfriend?
Because he was a boar.
The truck load of tortoise that crushed caused a turtle disaster.
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
I seen my father pouring chicken soup over his compost yesterday
I suppose chicken soup IS good for the soil.
My favorite denim blue jeans just turned brown. I think I will have to call it Dung-arees!
Why did Paco's girlfriend not want to kiss him?
She was afraid of the a-Paco-lips.
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
Miles Kington
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
"Just looking on the sunny side."
Isabella Isabeauty for sure
How does a bee travel to a tree? They get on the buzz.
I don’t know why everyone is so upset about untraditional family structures, it’s been happening in the animal world for years. For example, all water buffalos have three parents.
One oxygen buffalo and two hydrogen buffalos.
Why should the Sun get into a school? To get brighter.
How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? Knock on the door.
The wind had such a great time. You could say it had a blast.
Why do neurons like e-mail?
The love messages.
"If anyone is Christmas shopping for me, I wear a size 7-day Caribbean cruise."
It’s so cold we had to salt the hallway.
I tried to tell a joke about towels...
But people don’t like my dry humor.
Even the most powerful storms of Jupiter couldn’t keep me from you!
Falling in love with you takes less time than my DNA takes to replicate.
It’s so cold sheep were demanding their wool back.
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
If a robber robs a house under renovation and accidentally leaves his handprint on wet cement,
Does that mean that the police have concrete evidence?
What do alligators and Windows have in common?
Neither of them has enough bytes!
Werewolves love similes and metafurs.
Honestly, I'm into necrophilia. Wanna come home and play dead?
What do you call a skeleton with no friends?
Bonely.
If you were a puck, I'd never shoot. Because I would always miss you.
What did the horny woman say about her coffee?
That coffee’s not the only thing that’s hot and wet this morning.
I got tear-free soap in my eye.
It hurts like heck but at least I’m not crying.
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
Patient: "Nurse im suffering from bacon disease!" Nurse: "Baloney"
Why did the penguin cross the road twice?
To prove he wasn’t chicken.
Witches get so excited to decorate their cauldron because their favorite hobby is witchcraft.
I'm actually way hotter than poutin.
"Dog and Pony Show"
Come see our dog and pony show.
there is no better place to go.
The dog wears ties, the pony, pants.
They both stand up to sing and dance.
The hoof and paw an old soft-shoe.
They harmonize the whole time through.
They raise their hats and take a bow.
Was this a show? I’ll say, and how!
– Denise Rodgers
One day, tamarind, curry and ice were crossing the road. All of a sudden they heard a gunshot. Then, tamabrind ball, curry duck and ice-cream!
Hi, you’re so beautiful you made me forget my pick up line. Would you settle for just flowers?
I tried riding a camel instead of a horse once.
It had its ups and downs.