"There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation."
Why are Dalmatians so bad at hiding?
Because they are always spotted.
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
Where does a cat keep its coins? In its purr-se.
Why was the farmer angry?
Because someone got his goat.
Why can’t a tile walk very well?
He has square feet.
What is it called when two spies hug?
A bond-ing moment.
Why did the lion cross the road?
He was bored of lion around.
What do you call a cow that only produces almond milk? One that went nuts.
Where did the bunny groom and bunny bride go after their wedding? On a bunnymoon.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Did you see that their is a Medieval play about menstruation?
It's a period piece
I had some impure water so I boiled the hell out of it and collected the condensation...
Now it’s wholly water.
What kind of keys do kids like to carry? Cookies!
Who is the most famous French skeleton?
Napolean Bone-aparte.
What does a well-educated owl say?
Whom.
My dad tried to put peas into an orange once. It didn't appeal to me.
Why did the vampire need mouthwash? Because he had bat breath.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Avenue.
Avenue who?
Avenue knocked on this door before?
"You can't sip with us."
Dinosaurs represent our relationship, because they both don’t exist anymore.”
"If it's meant to be it's meant to be....but just to be clear it isn't."
Why couldn't the man 3D printing his face control his excitement?
He was getting a head of himself
Roses are red, violets are blue. I’m missing half of my heart and so are you.
The Little Mermaid shouldn’t be named Ariel
She should be named Nautical!
Hey girl, I’m not just going to show you the world, I’ll show you the universe.
In my village, there is a farmer who takes his cows to refill their food at the grass station.
The nurse always carried a red pen in her pocket in case she needed to draw blood.
Hey Girl! Are you a software program?
Because you've been running in my memory all day.
What should you do if you can't afford a fancy trumpet?
Buy a frugelhorn
What does Spider-man become when he joins the circus?
an aracnobat.
You must be calcification on a non-contrast CT, cause you’re just glowing.
What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it? Post Office!
How does Frankenstein speak?
Frankly.
I used to sell loose onions
Until I got the sack
Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal-sized clippers?
Shear size.
“I’m so naive about finances. Once my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain, ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” – Brooke Shields
Did you hear about the witch who got plastic surgery?
She looked really good afterworts.
Why did the Easter Egg hide?
Because he was a little chicken.
Dad asked if he could borrow my deodorant.
I said "sure, no sweat."
The Queen of the Nile was said to always show a bit of leg...
but Nefertiti.
Why did the scientist use a drink container to communicate with dolphins?
Because a bottle knows dolphin.
What did the woman say when she escaped Dracula’s clutches?
- Better luck necks time!
What are the longest lasting relationships in the fruit world? Orange-d marriages.
“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”
Steven Wright
After all is sled and done.
What do you get when if you cross a potato and the terminator?
A termitator.
My landlord asked me out on a date.
He said I should be out of the house by the 17th.
"I’m so cool I wasn’t actually born, I was defrosted."
If snowmen can’t ride bicycles, tricycles, or unicycles, what can they ride?
Icicles!