I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
What do you call water that is good for you?
Well water.
How tall is a spider?
Eight foot.
Why did the scientist go to the tanning salon? Because he was a paleontologist.
Chuck Norris once stared into the abyss...
It blinked.
What do you call a turkey whizzing through the air past your head because the oven exploded?
Fast food.
“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” — Mark Twain
"If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world."
– J.R.R. Tolkien
Love is like a fart - if you have to force it it's probably crap.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar...
The bar breaks in half.
Why did Mrs. Wine Grape run away from home?
She was tired of raisin a family.
Is it possible to scare a sasquatch out of your yard by tossing eggs at him?
Only if you eggs-terminate him.
What's a dragon's favorite snack?
Fire Crackers!
It’s your birthday, there is no cure,
Cakes and candles, you must endure,
Quick and painless, let me assure,
A tiny chance, you will be mature,
With this crowd, usually secure,
Random fun, with results obscure,
Liquids we drink, definitely pure,
Goofy friends, minds we tour,
Hilarious birthday, that’s for sure.
(Martin Dejnicki)
“There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?” -Kin Hubbard
Q: What's a tornado's favorite game?
A: Twister
What’s a skeletons favorite wrestling event?
A rib cage match.
Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Amish!
Amish who?
You're not a shoe!
I’m currently reading a book on anti-gravity and it’s impossible to put it down.
What’s the one book all piglets read in grade school? A Series of Un-porcine-ite Events.
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
Your name must be Candy- cuz you look so sweet.
Do you know about April 1st?
Yes, I’m fooly aware of it!
Why is the taste of moon rock better than that of Earth rock? Because it’s a little meteor.
The favourite day of the week for wolves is moonday.
I am so dedicated to basketball, but I promise you I will bring that dedication to our relationship.
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
I joined the French Submarine Corps to learn how to deal with the loss of a loved one.
They taught me periscoping techniques.
Not sure what my creatinine clearance is, but I just can't get you out of my system.
I always find artists romantic because when they love you, they do it with all their art.
What’s a ghoul’s favorite Beatles song?
The Ghoul on the Hill!
Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
How does a horse make paper mâché?
With newspaper clip-clop-pings.
The wolf crossed the road because it was chasing the chicken.
There was a recent study showing that crows were hit a lot more by trucks than cars...
they came to the conclusion that this was because crows can warn each other by going "CAAAR CAAAR" but can't say "TRUCK TRUCK".
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
The baker taught his apprentice that to make a good pie one needs to bake it to pie-fection!
Are you made of fluorine, iodine, and neon? ‘Cause you are F-I-Ne.
I spent last Christmas with a bunch of soft fruit. I kept getting confused with the toast – they were saying “Eat, drink and be cherry!”
Why was the doctor’s favorite patient a cat? Because she has nine lives!
"Most entrepreneurs would rather have root canal surgery without anesthesia than go through the nightmare that is tax return preparation."
— Nina Kaufman
Did you hear about the fruit who was convicted of armed robbery?
“Now he’s a waterfelon.”
Where's the best place to hide a body?
Page two of Google.
Singing Sammy sung songs on sinking sand.
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
Watson: Sherlock, what type of rock is this amazing specimen?
Holmes: It’s sedimentary, my dear Watson.
The apple says to the pineapple “What? Go out with you tonight? It will not happen in a million years!” Since then, we have a crushed pineapple.
Why do trolls live under bridges?
To troll goats!
Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store? He was looking for the holiday spirit.