I'd like to get to know you biblically.
How did Salvador Dali like to start his mornings? With a bowl of Surreal and milk.
What are you doing this saturday? I've got a football match, but I'd rather score with you
Take off your shirt, I want to be closer to your heart.
"A person doesn't know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it."
- Ann Landers
What do you call a dog’s back teeth?
Canine canines.
Why are urinals the worst place to spend time?
Because it’s where all the di**s hang out.
Are you cold? You look like you could use some hot chocolate… Well, here I am!
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
I'm thinking about buying a weighted blanket.
This is a most heavy decision.
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There would be mass confusion.
“Like vinegar to the teeth, and smoke to the eyes, so are the lazy to their employers.” – Proverb 10:26
I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.
“Yoga is almost like music in a way; there’s no end to it.” — Sting
What happens when a neurotransmitter falls in love with a receptor?
You get a binding relationship.
What does a cheese say when you ask him to share a secret?
He cantal.
I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn’t trained.
I am an introvert, but you know how to bring me out of my shell.
What did the bat say to the friend who itched and squirmined?
Come back when you have washed out the virmin.
Hey, if you can’t take the heat, get out of your clothes.
The pecan is ready to come out of its’ shell and see the world.
I’ve never understood fog machines.
They mystify me to this day.
Seven days without playing soccer can make one weak.
You may be flightless but you make my heart soar.
Why are Me and China alike?
We both like to delete our history.
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
“I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I’m lying. – Rita Rudner
I heard that my neighbor, who loved dried fruit, has passed away. May his soul rest in peach.
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
Did you see that all the snow and ice are melting?
I thaw!
What did the arsonist do on Valentine's day?
He met his match.
Where do skeletons go hang out at night?
Anywhere, as long as it's a hip joint.
The Bible says to bring all our requests to God. I've prayed - and here you are.
What do you do with a green ghoul?
Wait until it ripens!
Why did the scientist use a drink container to communicate with dolphins?
Because a bottle knows dolphin.
SpaceX is launching astronauts today with a new space catapult
Bringing forth a new era of crude spaceflight.
A crab didn't help his friend,
he's shellfish.
Why did the skeleton have a broken heart?
His Boney lay over the ocean.
How do snowboarders introduce themselves when they meet somebody on the slopes?
Sorry Dude.
“I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.” — Homer Simpson
Having a dirt yard instead of grass is a bold move...
But having a giant rock is boulder.
Where do you smart hot dogs go?… On the honor role.
Get me some cooling aloe gel, because you are making me as hot as a sunburn.
What do you call a deer in a storm?
A raindeer
Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It's quite bazaar
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
Without you, I’m like a null set… Empty.
Is a mountain goat a hillbilly?
What does a lady in a mall do with a cheesey credit card? Go on a shopping brie.
How to be evil:
Hide all of the desktop icons on someone's computer and replace the monitor's wallpaper with a screen-shot of their desktop.