If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball on the course sometimes.
Why did the wife divorce the baker?
Because he was much too kneady.
There was a fish who wanted to be a broadcaster...
Until he went on air.
Why don’t people like grumpy vampires?
Because they have bat tempers.
Why wasn't King Kong able to climb to the top of the Empire State Building?
He couldn't quite fit in the elevator.
Why did the lake date the river?
He heard that she had a bubbly personality.
You do not want to know the history behind the railroad because it is so underground.
The Little Mermaid shouldn’t be named Ariel
She should be named Nautical!
“I hope we’re friends until we die. Then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the s*** out of people.”
— Unknown
Where does a fisherman go to get his hair cut?
The fisherman goes to a bobber shop!
All the other vegetables have always felt very emotional whenever they are near the onion.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a water hose?
Hare spray.
What is the first thing that bats learn at school? The alphabat.
Why do gnomes make such great secretaries?
Because they’re good at shorthand.
What did the doctor give the lollipop when he broke his leg
A candy cane.
Q; What’s the difference between origami and grandpa passing wind?
A: One is the art of the fold, the other, the fart of the old.
What time should I book the court? Let’s shoot for around tennish.
Due to social distancing, I had a conversation with a spider today,
Seems nice, he’s a web designer.
What trophy do you get if you never score any points? The Art Rouse.
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.
What do cars have on toast.
Butter and traffic jam.
What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try and try and try and try-ceratops
Why was the sapling crying to her mom? She said the big trees wouldn’t leaf her alone.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken!
What’s the sequel to that?
Fuller mouse!
You smell just like my mom, want to grab a drink?
I replaced the milk in the carton with lemon juice. Everyone was really sour about it.
70 percent of the human body is made up of water and im very thirsty.
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
Each year, lots of wolves go treating in howl-o-ween.
What did his wife give the guy when he came home all sweaty from his run?
The stink eye.
Why did the cow go to space?
to get ice cream.
Have you ever been fishing in Lake Michigan? 'Cause we should hook up sometime.
I was joking with my mailman, and said I had a package to ship to Spain.... to Parcelona...
He didn't laugh though. The key to a joke like that is the delivery.
Excuse me, do you have a pen?
Then you'd better get back to it before the farmer notices you're gone.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.
What do you call the process of naming the various species of dwarves, faeries, trolls, etc?
Binomial gnomenlature.
What is a butchers favorite facial hair style?
Mutton chops.
My father and grandfather work for the DMV.
I come from a long line of long lines.
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
What happens when you cross a cell phone with a skunk?
You get stinky service!
What can a whole orange do that half an orange can never do?
“Look round!”
Teacher: "If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?"
Little Johnny: "Big hands!"
Why was the piglet whining.
He was boared out of his brains.
What is brown and sticky?
A stick!
What do call a cactus which is shaped like a penis
Dildon’t.
Did you hear about the vultures who went to check-in for their flight at the airport? When the check-in agent asked them if they had any luggage to check, they replied, no we just have carri-on.