I was riding my bike through the countryside when I was attacked by a herd of sheep!
Fortunately, I was only grazed.

Why did the tectonic plates break up? It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.

Knock, Knock

Who’s there?

Can!

Can who?

Can I worm my way in to your house!

What do you call a lineup of food with lots of garlicky dishes?
Buffet the Vampire Slayer!

There’s something that I need to ask,
I’ve gotta know if it’s true,
Please tell me, are you an email?
Because I want to be attached to you!

Preheat the oven of love
With plenty of secrets and hugs
Mix in giggles and laughs
That make your sides split in half
Bake with the love and care
And all the things you both should share
Decorate with the frosting of trust
This is really a must
Enjoy the cake do not eat it fast
Just like your new love make it last.

(Anonymous)

If you must cross a course cross cow across a crowded cow crossing, cross the cross coarse cow across the crowded cow crossing carefully.

What do you call a Minotaur in a playground?
A swing and a myth.

"What did the carrot say to the wheat?
Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet."
- Shel Silverstein

How long did Cain hate his brother?
As long as he was Abel.

What’s the name of the rabbit who stole from the rich and gave to the poor? Rabbit Hood.

She said, "Don't go bacon my heart."
I told her, "I couldn't if I fried."

What’s a llama’s favorite song?
Llama Chameleon.

Why couldn't the squirrel eat the macadamia nut?
It was one tough nut to crack.

Why are they called tacos?
They don’t say much.

Singing Sammy sung songs on sinking sand.

"Grandma's Off Her Rocker!"

In the dim and distant past,
When life's tempo wasn't fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat, and babysit.
When we were in a jam,
We could always count on gram.
In the age of gracious living,
Grandma's life was one of giving.
But today...
Now grandma's at the gym,
Exercising to keep slim,
She's off touring with the bunch,
Or taking all her friends to lunch.
Driving north to fish or hike,
Taking time to ride her bike.
Nothing seems to block or stop her,
Now that grandma's off her rocker.

-
One thing you never want to do is divorce a butcher.
That would be a huge missed steak.

“It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.” —Phyllis Diller

What do you call a locomotive with a cold? A choo choo train.

Q. What can a buck take after a night of drinking at a stag party?
A. Elk-a-seltzer.

Why are glow worms good to carry in your Halloween bag?
They can lighten your load!

Show your popcorn and coke guy at the movies a little appreciation. After all, he makes a lot of concessions.

I used to be pretty nifty tap dancer...
Until I fell into the sink.

I was gonna make a joke about Mediterranean food...
But hummus have missed the mark, and now I falafel.

I think haikus suck.
Has to be five seven five.
Who came up with this?

Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.

There was an Old Man of Kildare,
Who climbed into a very old chair;
When he said,-- "Here I stays,--
till the end of my days,"
That immovable Man of Kildare.

Little Johnny was crying one day, and his dad asked him why.
'I've lost five dollars,' sobbed Johnny.
'Don't worry,' said his dad kindly.'
Here's five more for you,' At this Johnny howled louder than ever.
'Now what is it ?' asked his dad.
'I wish I'd said I'd lost ten dollars!'

What bird regales you with stories of middle earth, knights, and allegory?
Bard owl.

Icy what you did there.

“The downside of playing dumb is that you sound dumb.”
- Rachel Maddow

Baby, you can drive my car if we let it be.

If Satan ever lost his hair...
There would be hell toupee.

What do you call a pig that gets the test answer wrong? Mistaken bacon.

What should you name a crow with soft down feathers? Microwsoft.

Hey baby, are you a shrink? 'Cause I went nuts when you walked by.

"Sorry I stopped contacting you. I had to go back to rehab."

Did you hear about the wisdom tooth who got smart with the dentist?
[removed]

What do llamas call the end of the world?
Llamageddon.

“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.

My father was a blind carpenter
until he picked up his hammer and saw.

Do you know how many famous men and women were born on your birthday?
None, only babies.

What’s a gardener’s favorite type of trousers? Ones with turnips.

I always wondered why the watermelon loving librarian never touched any of the books; turns out she’d red them all.

I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."

Which dog won the race? A weiner dog.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Adore.
Adore who?
Adore is between us. Open up!

What kind of TV does a skeleton watch?
A skelevision.

What do you call it when witches are optimistic about the future?
Witchful thinking.