“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
Are you WiFi?
Because I can feel the connection between us.
Namastay here or come home with me?
We need to cover more ground so we should split up.
Definition of Irony - When the Year Of The Rat starts with a plague.
Wine puns. They're always in pour taste.
Are you the British museum?
‘Cuz you stole my (he)art
Why do Penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they haven’t got any pockets.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
— Albert Einstein
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust.
How do you get down off an penguin?
You don’t – you get down off a duck.
Are you a fermata? Because I want to hold you.
Did you know there's a college in the brain for hippopotami?
It's called the Hippocampus.
How does a monster flush the toilet?
It doesn't, it scares the living sh** out of it.
If you think chewbaccas hairy just wait till you see my wookie.
How did the sheep farmer become best in his field?
Shear luck.
Flamingo parents are really cute with their babies. You should see them playing Beak a Boo.
I saw a movie about a pig with no eyes.
It was PG.
As soon as I saw your face, I knew you weren’t just the average Jo
Don’t hang around booze hounds. They’re wine-y bitches.
What is a Viking's favorite music?
Ragnarock.
Set or be set. This is certainly the right way to look at things.
You're such a treat that I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me.
Why should you never go back in time to alter the outcome of a football game?
You’ll be called for past interference!
I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
What dinosaur is always sad? Cryalotosaurus
There was this bald guy at the bus
He seemed really lightheaded
You're my eggnog: sweet, chill, and delish.
What is it called when a tree has back problems?
ScoliOAKsis
I pitcher us together forever.
Why did the worm cross the playground?
To get to the underground slide!
Overheard on a bus... What do you call a social hermit crab?
Just a crab.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
You look a lot like my next victim.
What did one flea say to the other?
Shall we walk, or shall we take the dog?
Summer's over; it's time to chill.
Tne thing you won't catch a vampire ordering in a restaurant is a stake sandwich.
How can you tell a train just went by? A. You can see it’s tracks!
My brother sprayed on some of his new deodorant. "How do I smell?" He asked.
"With your nose" I replied.
I came home to find many folders, calendars and filing cabinets were stolen.
Police believe it to be the work of organised crime.
What do drunk kangaroos play?
Hopscotch.
“I chose the road less traveled and now I don’t know where I am.”
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot.
It caused immense pain to ma toes.