Where to Bees go to party in Spain?
Ibiza.
Why was the horse sad she didn’t get the job?
She was flanking on it.
There was an Old Man with a poker,
Who painted his face with red oker
When they said, 'You're a Guy!'
He made no reply,
But knocked them all down with his poker.
"Sorry I stopped contacting you. I had to go back to rehab."
What word looks the same backwards and upside down? Swims
Alcohol is a perfect solvent
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
In a conversation between one pin and another, one said, “Let us never split.”
What do you get when you cross a ghost with a chicken?
A poultry-geist.
I just had to come talk with you. Sweetness is my weakness.
I thought the play was frightful but I saw it under particularly unfortunate circumstances - the curtain was up.
“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” — Jerome K. Jerome
hat do you call it when a runner from Moscow starts a race at Red Square that ends in Finland?
Russian to the Finnish.
“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
Have you seen that awesome video of a Koala drinking tea high up in the trees?
It’s super high Koala-tea
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
You smell just like my mom, want to grab a drink?
What do cats do after watching a play? Give a round of a-paws.
Why did the pianist have to be rushed into surgery after his latest performance?
He played his heart out.
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
Some might say the violinists in an orchestra don’t do much.
They just fiddle around.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th.
“Monday is a sloppy umbrella day, which makes everybody a little blue.”
– George Leedy
You’re the only rein-dear for me.
You must be a banana because I find you very a-peeling.
The flock of crows that were sprayed with sewage was a true definition of murder most foul.
What pet makes the loudest noise? A trum-pet!
What has 34 legs, 9 heads and 2 arms? Santa Claus and his reindeer.
"If you start to feel good during an ultra, don't worry, you will get over it."
Gene Thibeault
You’ve stolen my heart. I hereby place you under cardiac arrest.
"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett
I sat and watched this guy fishing for four hours this morning.
Eventually he said to me, "Why don't you give it a go?"
I said, "No thanks. I don't have the patience."
Wanna see my world cup in action?
What do you call a cow with no legs at all? Ground beef
My mum made a chocolate bar out of peas. I asked if she could snap a peas off for me.
Zebras aren’t fans of colouring books. They don’t like having to stay between the lions.
My wife won a large ceramic pot
She definitely urned it.
“You’re my soul Santa.”
What do you call a dinosaur that's a noisy sleeper? A Bronto-snorus.
If you must cross a course cross cow across a crowded cow crossing, cross the cross coarse cow across the crowded cow crossing carefully.
It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
What did the tuna say to her overzealous partner?
I think we need to scale things back here.
Dogs can't see your bones.
But catscan.
My zebra is a rubbish ballet dancer. I think he’s got two left feet.
Long ago, a couple of dudes claimed that human flight was possible.
They were Wright.
You're so cute I could bottle you up in a mason jar.
What kind of nut doesn’t like money?
Cash ew.
I killed all the knights in the Iron Keep, except one,
He was Allone
You’re the cutest clover in the patch.
It’s so hot I got condensation on my backside from the water in the toilet bowl.
What does Dracula call Thanksgiving? Fangs-giving.