A crayon that looks like a strawberry is usually called a cranberry.
What happens when Greeks come back from war?
They get a gyro’s welcome.
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Nice Skates... wanna puck?
What do you call two male avocados who hang out and drink together?
Avocabros.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions?
I haven’t seen you in light years.
The flock of crows that were sprayed with sewage was a true definition of murder most foul.
I phoned OK magazine the other day. They answered and said "Hello?", so I said "Sorry, wrong number," and hung up.
Some guy asked dad for the WiFi code.
Shrugging his shoulders and giving a sympathetic look, he responded: I can't figure her out either.
I’m opening a grocery store that specializes in Swiss cheese and donuts.
I’m calling it Hole Foods.
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
HELP! It's a taco emergency!
Dial 9 Juan Juan!
“I do Yoga to relieve stress… Just kidding I drink wine in yoga pants.” — Anonymous
This event is sure to be out of bounds.
Did you know that geologists are athletic? Yeah, I read it in Quartz illustrated.
What do you get if you cross a pelican and zebra? Two streets further away.
I stumbled upon people arguing about trains in my town.
I told them, what’s the lo-commotion?
I like to tell this one joke about homemade bombs
But it always blows up in my face.
Did you know a nose cannot be 12 inches long?
Otherwise it’d be a foot!
A pig and a horse walk into a movie theater.
The horse didn't feel like buying popcorn so he brought some hay. A theater employee saw him and said. "Are you sneaking outside food into the theater?"
The horse said "nay."
The pig squealed.
“Excercise? I thought you said extra fries.”
What do you see when an elephant hides behind a tree?
The trunks
Q: Why did no one like peach’s personality?
A: Because it had a heart of stone.
I love Physics, but I'm terrible at Math.
I hope in doesn't Matter.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
The turkey says, "gobble, gobble."
I appreciate it when food comes with instructions.
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.
Summer should get a speeding ticket
What do you get if you cross a tree and a baseball player? Babe Root.
What did the grilled cheese sandwich say to their date?
“You make me melt.”
Why don’t oysters share their pearls? Oysters don’t share their pearls because they’re shellfish!
Why doesn’t the squirrel accept cash or credit at his store? Because it only accepts cash.
I saw a Jazz band last night, but they really sucked...
They really saxophoned it in.
One day, I looked to my spine and said
Thanks for all the support! Thanks to you we've grown to new heights.
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
(Unknown)
What did one glow worm said to the other one?
You glow girl!
What do you call a zombie DJ?
A dead beat.
What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? She moved.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
Did you hear about the corn stalk that changed careers?
He went into a different field!
Want to break the wishbone? I’m wishing for a date with you.
I don't have a "Dad Bod"
I have a father figure.
My real estate agent lied. He said my house had a 1,000 carpet area, but I could barely fit in 4 cars and 4 dogs in there...
I came home to find many folders, calendars and filing cabinets were stolen.
Police believe it to be the work of organised crime.
Honey, do you like water? That means you already like 80% of me.
Went to a German restaurant. The beer was fine,
But their sausage was the wurst!
Two Soviet Ships Collide - One Dies.
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
Five syllables here.
Seven more syllables here.
Are you happy now?
Flight attendants fly with a very meaningful motto: always look on the flight side of life.