What's a sheep's favorite art style?
Baa's Relief
I dreamt about you. You died.
This morning Chuck Norris was shot.
Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition
What do you call a grizzly bear who gets caught in the rain?
A drizzly bear.
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?
Why do toadstools grow so close to each other? They do not need mushroom to grow.
Q: Why was the cloud not allowed to cross the border?
A: Because it was a for-rainer
Girls just wanna have sun.
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
Do you smell carrots?
Why did the boy keep his trumpet in the freezer?
Because he liked cool music.
Why did the orange’s musical number receive a bad review?
Because it wasn’t an “orange-inal.”
I took the recent snow warnings with a pinch of salt.
What's the difference between a Viking and that one Bond movie where he's in space?
One's *Moonraker*, the other's a rune maker.
Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the road?
Because it wanted to lay it on the line.
“Deck the Halls with Bows on Collies.”
Irish I may, Irish I might.
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
Dad: "Knock, knock!" Kid: "Who's there?"
Dad: Spell!
Kid: Spell who?
Dad: W... H... O...
To get to the other tide.
What does a pirate with heart failures need?
Anti-arrrrrrrrrrhythmics.
When is it okay to wash your shoes in the toilet?
When there's a bidet. People use them to wash their booties.
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
What's the difference between Greek yogurt and regular yogurt?
Greek yogurt has a rich cultural history.
“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.”—Rita Rudner
What do you have left after a pig eats a watermelon?
Pork rinds.
What is the mermaid’s favorite drink?
A mertini.
What do you call someone who loves dark beer?
Stouthearted.
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
My dog hates the rain.
He doesn’t want to step in a poodle.
What do koalas use when they’re doing yard work? A wheelbearow.
We all know that rooms are just empty spaces, and no one can even dream of making a delicacy out of them. The only room is the mushroom.
What did the witness say at the gnome trial? In my gnome words here’s what happened.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet,
And so are you.
The roses have wilted,
The violets are dead,
The sugar bowl is empty,
And so is your head.
What do you call a selfish bomb?
Mine.
What’s a dog’s favorite breakfast?
Woofles.
What do you call a pig squished by sand? A ham sandwich.
Got my friend an unnecessarily large rocket for bonfire night.
He's over the moon!He's over the moon!
Girl, you're so expensive, my insurance is requiring prior authorization before our first date.
I had a girlfriend that went scuba diving...
One day I lobster and never flounder again.
What do you call a human that's now a cactus?
A transplant.
The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realized I only had a £20 note.
I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"
I decided I didn't so I gave him the money
Doctor Doctor I've broken my arm in four places.
Docter: Well stop going to those 4 places then!
Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.
I swear I saw one of those mythical creatures somewhere in the bush; but when I came back, it was uni-gone.
What caused the airline to go bankrupt? Runway inflation.
My four year old has been learning Spanish all year and still can't say the word please.
Which I think is poor for four.
What kind of cheese is really good at guitar?
Shreddar.
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
What do you call bacon with salt on it?
Salt and Peppa.