Did you hear the joke about the roof? I doubt you’d get it. It’s over your head.
Did you hear the joke about the donut? Probably not, it was crummy!
When the chef asked me how I would like my soup, I said "I would like minestrone".
It is only late August, yet the leaves are already turning brown. Autumn came early this year. Orange you glad?
It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t.
[Water Slide] I was going to get some work done, but I decided to let it slide.
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
Why did the farmer put his cow on the scales?
He wanted to see how much the milky weighed.
I can't find my scrubber in the shower
It's aloof-ah
What money do zombies use?
Crypt-o-currency.
Are you Vietnamese? Cause I'm falling pho you.
After a tiring day at work, my wife drew me a relaxing bath. It wasn't very smart of me to ask if it was going to be in color or a sketch.
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
"Hi, I'm Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon.
Neil before me."
"Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge"- Don Kardong
What Happens If You Give a Politician Viagra?
They get taller.
I was going to make another mountain pun but I can't think of summit.
"Wine a little, laugh a lot."
How did the woman react when the doctor suggested she have a brain biopsy?
She gave him a piece of her mind.
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert
Why did the Archaeopteryx always catch the worm?
Because it was an early bird!
Lets unzip our genes and see if we can share codes together.
No one could tame the unicorn. He was horn to be wild.
Have you heard the one about the spaceship that came to Earth?
Never mind its over your head.
There was an Old Person of Burton,
Whose answers were rather uncertain;
When they said, 'How d'ye do?'
He replied, 'Who are you?'
That distressing Old Person of Burton.
What has a spiked tail, plates on its back, and sixteen wheels? A Stegosaurus on roller skates!
I heard a heart wrenching story recently.
A car mechanic became a cardiac surgeon.
My shampoo bottle was empty. I turned to the only other bottle in the shower and said, "help me body wash...
You're my only soap!"
I always wanted to keep my wisdom teeth but I just went to the dentist and it looks like they're gonna have to be removed...
To be honest this is pretty de-molar-izing.
Why does James Bond Have grey hair?
Because there's no time to dye!
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
Do perfumes expire?
In essence, they do.
"Bee"
A bee comes tapping at my screen,
Buzzing, bumping, sounding mean.
Bouncing, pushing, acting wired,
With no thought of getting tired.
¨I could say, “Dear bee, what is it?
Would you like to come and visit?”
But I feel his anger’s keen.
So I’m glad I have a screen!
– Denise Rodgers
“Have leftover Eggo waffles from your Eleven Halloween costume? We’ll show you how to make it into Thanksgiving stuffing. After the break.” — John Mayer
Miners Refuse to Work after Death.
What type of apartment does a pun live in?
The pun-thouse!
Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again."
Erma Bombeck
Where does a neuron keep its money?
In a brain bank.
If an elf can’t do something right now, how do they handle it?
Shelf it for later.
What does a trumpet and a baseball have in common? People cheer when you hit them with a bat.
Why does the tin keep crossing the road?
Because it can.
What did the old Egyptian get by staring at the river?
See-Nile!
When do vampires like horse racing?
When it's neck and neck.
Where do Vikings go when they get old?
The Norsing home.
Are you hypokalemia? Because you make me feel weak at the knees.
They asked how the watermelon farmer felt after winning the lottery; clever bugger said he felt like a melon bucks.
The hiker hated the top of the mountain because it was all downhill from there!
When the basketball realized all the checks were bouncing, he decided to visit the bank himself to find out.
What happens when and ice cube gets angry?
It boils with anger, then lets off some steam.