I asked my Chinese friend what it's like living in China
He says he can't complain.
A stoner, a Jedi and a surgeon walk into a bar.
Blunt force trauma.
A female sheep and a couple of aggressive birds are sitting on the veranda. What language do they speak?
Porchewegeese.
Have you guys tried kangaroo beer?
It’s a little hoppy.
What is a tornado's favorite movie? Gone With the Wind!
What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk? Dirty looks from the mouse!
What does a snail wear to go dancing?? Escargogo boots.
Did you hear about the gnome rogue?
Of course not, that g is silent!
Why did the cheese shop owner finally quit the business?
He was tired of the daily rind.
Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.
Why did the chicken join a band?
Because it already had drumsticks.
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
God made me pretty.
What happened to you?
It was Halloween and
We were on our way to a party
They were both dressed as vampires
And I was Professor Moriarty
We stopped at the supermarket
But didn’t have any cash
So we thought we’d steal some booze
Then make a dash
The bottles we wanted
Were on the very top of the racks
Which we couldn’t reach
So I had to stand on their backs
Once I had the bottles
Dracula hid them under his cape
And without drawing attention
We casually made our escape
But we were caught on CCTV
A very clear image by all accounts
I was charged with shoplifting
On two counts.
- Paul Curtis
What did the mom cheese tell the little boy cheese when he got hurt on his bike?
“Gotta take the gouda with the bad.”
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?” — Milton Berle
What do you call the Commander of a vegetable army?
A kernel.
Are you an exception? I bet I can catch you.
When pigs live high on the hog, they run the risk of going into hock.
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
“Sometimes, being silly with a friend is the best therapy.”
— Unknown
I used to be a personal driver in France
But now I have nothing to chauffeur it.
My dad refused to accept that he was not hiking in a mountain called Mt. McKinley
He was in Denali.
What's the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?
A cat has claws at the end of its paws and a complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
The ref keeps shafting us the offsides; I think he's blue lyin'.
What should you double check when buying an electric car?
That your driving license is current.
We should've guessed the failed postman wouldn't be any better at delivering his acting lines.
Living on Earth might be expensive. But we surely get a free trip around the sun every year!
Wow, I was just wishing for a soulmate Anna minute later, we matched. What are the chances?
How does a goblin eat a hotdog?
By goblin it.
My son asked, "Dad, what are condoms for?"
"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.
If this new covid vaccine works...
...It'll be a real shot in the arm for 2021.
“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce
A Roman walks into a cafe and makes an "X" with his fingers.
He says, "Ten teas, please!"
Are you Rudolph’s red nose? Because baby, I would say you glow.
Federal Agents raid gun shop, find weapons
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
What are mammoles?
Four-legged ani-moles
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
What is the name of Santa’s rudest deer?
Rude-olph.
Q: What anime series do fruits like to watch?
A: One peach.
“The bags under my eyes are Prada.”
What is an astronaut's favorite candy bar?
Milky way.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater’s been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or—
Huh? You say it’s mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!
(Shel Silverstein)
Who needs a map when one can Rome freely in your beautiful eyes?
I'll feel more comfortable sleeping at night once I have your number.
Poured beer over my garden before planting the lawn. I hoped the grass would come up half cut.
What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? Find somewhere else to sleep!
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
How do you measure the circumference of a Sheep?
Shepherds Pie