What do you give a horse that has just won the Kentucky Derby? An Appletini.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?
"Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos."
– Don Kardong
What is the king’s favorite type of precipitation?
Hail, of course!
Why does a milking chair only have three legs?
The cow has the udder.
Why did the kraken eat 5 ships that were carrying potatoes?
Because nobody can eat just one potato ship.
How do astronauts like to eat their ice cream?
Floats.
If a wine connoisseur is called a sommelier then a perfume connoisseur should be called a smellier.
"I’m a travel fiend on the road to recovery. Just kidding. I’m headed to the airport."
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
What do you call a crushed angle? a rectangle
Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?
“It’s just nuts.”
Give a Englishman some tea and you'll make him happy for a day.
Teach him how to grow tea, and he'll colonize your country.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot? A carrot!
What makes more noise than a dog barking outside your window?
Two dogs barking outside your window.
"Hey girl, I don't have power and success, but I'm funny."
- Modern Family
What game do Ghost children play? Hide and shriek!
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.”
― Erma Bombeck
What's a frog's favorite flower?
A croakus.
As a plumber, I often have nightmares about the dripping faucet I can't fix and the toilet that will not flush ...
Safe to say I have pipe dreams!
Whats green and can jump a mile a minute?
A frog with hiccups.
If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents...
I'd have 60% gross margins.
The bowl of soup you bought yesterday from the Chinese restaurant was souper terrible.
I thought, I thought of thinking of thanking you.
In Italy there is a group pf moms creating soft cheese...
They brand themselves as MOMzarella.
Why didn’t the horse buy a house?
The costs were mounting.
When I read Philippians 4:8, I think about you.
At what time of day was Adam created?
A little before Eve.
What do rabbits put in their computers? Hoppy disks!
How much will $20 get me?
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
The oranges hadn’t been peeling well for a week when they finally decided to seek medical attention.
One of the funny puns uttered by Mark Twain is that denial is not just a river in Egypt.
How do you kill a southern vampire?
You bless his heart.
What do you call a fashionable, but judgmental monster who howls at the moon?
A What Not To Wear-Wolf.
Why did some cardinals get their feathers ruffled?
The Pope gave away the church’s nest egg to the poor.
What do you call a camel that looks the same from both directions?
A palindromedary!
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
They flipper coin!
It’s all so good –
Turkey and ham,
Macaroni and cheese, dressing and cranberry sauce,
Chocolate cake, pumpkin and potato pie.
Thanksgiving is just the beginning
Of the holiday season,
And already, I’m getting bigger and bigger.
My jeans are telling me I should skip Christmas.
- Natasha Niemi
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
Guess who just woke up to 19 missed calls and 30 messages from his ex?
My ex.
Wanna join me for some downward doggy-style tonight?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Wayne
Wayne who?
Wayne in a manger!
What's the one office supply you never want to ask Chuck Norris to give you?
The Three-Hole Punch.
I named my phone "The Titanic" because it's always syncing.
Why doesn’t the sun go to college? Because it has a million degrees!
Every single morning I get hit by the same bike.
It's a vicious cycle.