“Me to my students every day: Close your eyes. If you can still see me, it could be a sign that your eyes are still open.” – Unknown

The leech, who is good at drawing blood, applied for a job in an art gallery.

What do gnomes love to sing while gardening?
Gnome Worry, Bee Happy.

"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook."
— Julia Child

What did one bread lover say to the other?
Before I break down and rye, I want you to know that I loaf you.

Were you raised in captivity? Because you captured my heart.

My scientist wife decided to test the hypothesis that more intercourse would improve our marriage. It's already been a week, and I've concluded...
that I'm in the control group.

"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield

Did you hear about the new Johnny Depp movie? It's the one rated Arrrr!

My dad used to say "the sky's the limit"
Which is probably why he got fired from his job at N.A.S.A.

“I cannot go to school today,"
Said little Peggy Ann McKay.
“I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash and purple bumps.
My mouth is wet, my throat is dry,
I’m going blind in my right eye.
My tonsils are as big as rocks,
I’ve counted sixteen chicken pox
And there’s one more--that’s seventeen,
And don’t you think my face looks green?
My leg is cut--my eyes are blue--
It might be instamatic flu.
I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,
I’m sure that my left leg is broke--
My hip hurts when I move my chin,
My belly button’s caving in,
My back is wrenched, my ankle’s sprained,
My ‘pendix pains each time it rains.
My nose is cold, my toes are numb.
I have a sliver in my thumb.
My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,
I hardly whisper when I speak.
My tongue is filling up my mouth,
I think my hair is falling out.
My elbow’s bent, my spine ain’t straight,
My temperature is one-o-eight.
My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,
There is a hole inside my ear.
I have a hangn

"I’m so cool I wasn’t actually born, I was defrosted."

What do a pregnancy test and hummus have in common?
They both require a chickpea.

You must be peanut butter because you're making my legs feel like jelly.

Me: Did it hurt?

Her: Did what hurt?

Me: When the door hit you in the ass on the way out.

What did the baseball player say when the flight attendant asked what seat he was in?
"Put me in coach."

There once was a man named Brice,
Who had a nasty head full lice.
He said, If I eat them,
Then I'll have beat them!
And besides they taste very nice.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Harry.
Harry who?
Harry up, it’s cold out here!

It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.

I'd love to serve a 5 minute penalty in your box.

“You are one yoga class away from a good mood.” – Unknown

Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.

Knock knock!

Who's there?
Al.

Al who?

Al give you a kiss if you open the door.

What excuse did the late watermelon give his boss? He said be there in 5 boss, I’m just rind the corner.

my nose starts bleeding at eleven every night
but I’ve seen stranger things.

How do two rival forests get along? They sign a peace tree-ty!

How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!

“What Yoga really is… Spending an entire hour trying not to fart.”— Anonymous

what do you need to have proper grammar?
a proper grampar.

“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”

- Ray Romano.

Why did the dinosaur cross the road ? The chicken hadn't evolved yet!

I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.

Our game is as tight as our spandex. This would be an awesome team motto.

"The Attraction of Levitation"

“Oh, dear!” said little Johnny Frost,
“Sleds are such different things!
When down the hill you swiftly coast
You’d think that they had wings;

“But when uphill you slowly climb,
And have to drag your sled,
It feels so heavy that you’d think
‘Twas really made of lead.

“And all because an Englishman,
Sir Isaac Newton named,
Invented gravitation, and
Became unduly famed;

“While if he had reversed his law,
So folks uphill could coast,
It seems to me he would have had
A better claim to boast.

“Then coasting would all pleasure be;
To slide up would be slick!
And dragging sleds downhill would be
An awful easy trick!”

– H. G. Paine

“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”

- Mike Todd.

What do you get if you put an alligator in a blender?
Gatorade.

“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime is doubly so.” – Douglas Adams

After which knight is a town in England named? Sir Rey!

Did they just take you out of the oven? Because you’re hot!

How big is a clown's hard drive?
50 GiggleBytes

What is the most popular flower in France?
Croissanthemums.

“A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be” — unknown

Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.

“Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.”
Anthony Burgess

How does Chuck Norris sharpen his blades?
By shaving with them.

.
I’m not old. I’m aged to perfection. And full bodied.

What trophy does a stay-at-home defencemen win? The Snorris!

Knock Knock
Who's there
Four Eggs
Four Eggs who
Four Eggs ample!

My flower blooms whenever I see your beautiful face, I hope you know what I mean.

Pumpkin Spice season is finally here, better latte than never.