“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
I gave my wife a broken hair-dryer for her birthday
She wasn’t blown away.
Did you hear about the egg laden rabbit who jumps off bridges? He’s the Easter Bungee!
What do you call a cow in a rooster costume? Roost beef.
Tonight I will be exercising my freedom of assembly… outside your bedroom window.
Why did the electricity documentary get such mixed reviews?
People weren’t sure how to feel after it’s shocking ending.
Why was the tree doctor so good at his job? He could always get to the root of the problem.
The bus driver was so friendly and nice, it was a 'joy ride'!
Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."
My friend learned Spanish by jotting sentences repeatedly...
He used wrote learning.
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer." ~Author Unknown
What was the most common game played by Greek Gods?
Hydra and seek.
Why do sharks swim in salt water?
If they swam in pepper water they would sneeze.
Why don’t giraffes do drugs?
Because they’re naturally high.
Baby, I would trade the entire candy bar in the world for you.
What is a baker’s favorite type of icing?
Fawn-dant.
Dwayne Johnson is studying his family history
Is that Genealogy or Geology?
I cannoli be happy
“I hate mornings and Mondays. And working. But other than that I am entirely happy.”
How much does an elephant skeleton weigh?
Skele-tons.
What kind of music should you listen to while fishing?
Something catchy.
Why don’t Satanic boats ever sink?
Because they’re Unholy.
The viking Rudolph the Red looked outside and proclaimed it was going to rain.
His wife asked him, “What makes you say that?”
He replied, “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Beaver Y.
Beaver Y. who?
Bea-ver-y quiet, you are in a library.
There was an Old Person of Cadiz,
Who was always polite to all ladies;
But in handing his daughter,
He fell into the water,
Which drowned that Old Person of Cadiz.
What must the Oregon football team do before each play?
Get all of their ducks in a row.
"Reti or not, here I come!"
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
What do a witch and a candle have in common?
They're both wicked.
What sound did the gun make when the priest shot through two benches to kill a mass shooter?
PEW PEW
You’re as sweet as a flower, and not a daisy goes by when I don’t think of you.
Earlier today someone sent me a bunch of flowers, but all the heads had been cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.
What happened when the dog ate a firefly?
He smiled with de-light
What did the phone say to begin the race?
On your marks, handset, go!
I took one Luca at you and I honestly couldn’t resist
A Help desk guy speaking to a lady user...
Help desk: Double click on "My Computer".
Lady: I can't see your computer...
Help desk: No... click on "My Computer" on your computer.
Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer?!
Help desk: There is an icon labelled "My Computer" on your computer... double click on it...
Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer?
Q. Where did the gorilla like to go sailing?
A. The Chimpan-Sea
What happened when an orange, an apple, and a banana all went on a picnic together?
They had a “fruit-ful” day.
What happened to the men who lost their lettuce?
I don't know, but apparently they lost their heads.
How did Dr. Frankenstein pay the men who built his monster?
On a piece rate.
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
Angel, I want to run all the way with you.
Told my wife I’m going to take a shower.
She said, dn’t take it too far!
What do you get when you photocopy fruit?
Paper jam.
Oh no, I'm choking! I need mouth to mouth, quick!
What do you call a sloth that barely moves a muscle? A slow-off (show off).
Where do gorillas keep their beehives?
Apeiaries.
In later years was the Great One in decline? Yes he was on the Wayne.
Get in the swim this summer.