"Women should be obscene and not heard."
Dark-colored huskies found in Colorado can also be termed as dusky huskies!
How much does a Polar Bear weigh?
I don't know.
About ten pounds less than you, fat-ass.
Why do words and punctuation end up in court? To be sentenced.
What do you call a fish that floats on the surface?
Bob.
A fly feels a bug on it's back. "Hey bug on my back, are you a mite?"
"I mite be !!" giggles the mite.
"That's the worst pun I've ever heard" groans the fly.
"What do you expect?" says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly. "
“Like vinegar to the teeth, and smoke to the eyes, so are the lazy to their employers.” – Proverb 10:26
My doctor tells me I've got a bacon addiction.
Thankfully he thinks I can be cured.
Why did the magician have to cancel his show? Because he just washed his hare and couldn’t do a thing with it.
If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what does an onion do? Keeps everyone away.
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
Amazingly, antelope stew,
Is supposedly better for you.
Than a goulash of rat,
Or Hungarian cat,
But I guess that something you knew.
Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.
How did the macho bee with eczema feel?
B-Itchy
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
What do you call a seamstress that snuck aboard a ship?
A sew-away!
“When gorillas are sleeping, you can hide a bunch of raisins in their fur, and then they’ll have an exciting treat the next day."
- Guy Endore Kaiser
I hate oranges. Will you be my main squeeze?
What do you call a hairy beast that no longer exists?
A were-wolf!
I just found out my Husband is a Ghost. I realised the moment he walked through the door.
How does a rainbow greet the other weathers? With a yellow of course!
Who would win in a fight between a kangaroo and a zebra?
The zebra. Because he has so many black belts.
How does an antisocial crow say about a family party? "It was murder".
"There's one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor's."
- Clyde Moore
What did the bottled water tell the spy?
The names bond, Hydrogen bond.
“What would you get if you ate the Christmas decorations? Tinselitis.”
What do you call the story of a poor witch that just became a millionaire?
Rags to witches story.
My physics teacher asked, “So why is v-naught 0?”
I replied, “y-naught?”
Excuse me waiter, I have a question about the house salad.
Does it come with window dressing?
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk I have a weird axe scent.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you going to answer the door?
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up
(Ogden Nash)
"I am not an early bird or night owl; I’m some sort of permanently exhausted pigeon."
Your beauty is a singularity. The force of attraction between us is so powerful.
Hide in the kitchen, hide in the hall. I will catch you.
Chuck Norris was bitten by the worlds most venemous snake.
After hours of excruciating pain and misery, the snake died.
Did you hear about the B I V G R O Y rainbow?
The poor thing has a deviated spectrum.
How do winged horses walk if they become pirates?
Peg-asus legs.
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”
Sam Ewing
Who did the horse ask to be his second wife?
A manewer model.
What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? Bison!
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
Charles Wadsworth
What did the monochrome say to the rainbow?
Oh no! My arch nemesis!
What is the cutest car?
A BM-cuddle-U
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
“Always hike with someone in worse shape than you. The bears out there will know.”
What is just as big as a gorilla but literally weighs nothing?
A gorilla's shadow.