Why did Santa put a clock in his sleigh? He wanted to see time fly!
I did a good deed today by giving up my seat on the bus to an elderly lady...
How was I supposed to know she’d never driven a bus before?
What did the Tyrannosaurus rex get after mopping the floor? Dino-sore!
What's a nervous person's favorite drink?
Insecuri tea!
What kind of key opens the door on Thanksgiving? A turkey!
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
You must be a defibrillator because you are sending shocks directly to my heart.
I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping onions which made me cry
Onions was a good dog
Picking your favorite snack can be like picking the slowest turtle in the pack.
One day, tamarind, curry and ice were crossing the road. All of a sudden they heard a gunshot. Then, tamabrind ball, curry duck and ice-cream!
There was an Old Sailor of Compton, Whose vessel a rock it once bump'd on;
The shock was so great, that it damaged the pate,
Of that singular Sailor of Compton.
If your team loses the Souper Bowl, then be prepared for a lot of boouillons from your fans.
These sea monster jokes are so funny.
They had me kraken!
My Chinese neighbour said he's just opened a crows shop.
Speaking slowly, I said "you mean a *clothes* shop?"
He says, "No, a crows shop - come in and have a rook."
My uncles petshop really started doing well when he started selling parrots. They literally flew off the shelves.
“Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
Do you suffer from anxiety that an intruder may be hiding in your room?
You're not alone.
Nice pumpkins!
Flamingo parents are really cute with their babies. You should see them playing Beak a Boo.
Why was the gardener so busy over the weekend?
He had a long honeydew list.
How do you catch an electric eel?
You can catch an electric eel with a lightning rod!
Bee warned.
Bee puns really sting.
Your eyes glow just like the twin suns on my home planet.
Did you hear about the artist's really messy house? He said it was 'a work in progress'.
It’s so hot I almost called my ex so I could be around something shady.
What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight?
Sir Render
My bowing arm is pretty sore… Because you just made my tremolo.
Did the dinosaur take a bath ? Why, is there one missing?
What is a naughty beavers' favorite type of wood ever? Knotty pine.
What did the bat do when she did not know the answer in class?
She winged it.
How do you know you are a Master Gardener?
There is a decorative compost container on your kitchen counter.
You would rather go to a nursery to shop than a clothing store.
You prefer gardening to watching television.
You plan vacation trips to arboretums and public parks.
Dirt under your fingernails and calloused palms are matters of pride.
What’s the only type of melon that changes colours at will? Well, a chamelon.
Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.
When is a piece of wood made king? when its a ruler
One strawberry said to the other, “Were it not that you were so sweet, you wouldn’t have ended up in this jam.”
Why was the koala scientist so well-respected by his peers? He was known for conducting excellent koalatative research.
On Halloween night I will strut
Dressed like Jabba the Hut
Many sweets I will eat
As it is trick or treat
And double the size of my butt
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'd rather be dead than continue seeing you!
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
Mitch Hedberg
I only like smooth leather
and my opinion will never be suede.
What do you give three-hundred-pound gorilla for his birthday?
I don't know, but you better hope he likes it.
There was a fight at the fish restaurant last night.
Two haddock got battered.
How do you know if you are dealing with a smart zombie?
They are wearing helmets!
Of all the best pieces of wolf advice, this is my favorite, “stand fur what you believe”
Pigs, when out in public, have to keep an eye on their valuables as they are vulnerable to pigpockets.
Q: How is hurricane season like Christmas?
A: At some point, there’s going to be a tree inside your house.
Why is a Tornado the best type of football player?
Because it always gets touchdowns.
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
You are one candle closer to starting a house fire.