"If you run 100 miles a week, you can eat anything you want. Why? Because (a) you'll burn all the calories you consume, (b) you deserve it, and (c) you'll be injured soon and back on a restricted diet anyway."
Don Kardong
I know, I’ll never have a chance with you but will you give me a chance to hear an angel talk?
I was cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and my wife said, “These potatoes are burnt to a crisp!”
I said, “It’s for tomorrow.”
Her: Huh?
Me: Tomorrow is Black Fry day.
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
Mom: *Struggling to make a decision between 1% or 2%.
Dad: Milk up your mind!
How do shellfish get to the hospital?
In a clambulance!
What four animals does a woman like to have in her house?
A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.
Where did the ghost go on holiday? The Boohamas.
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
The forager was in such mixed moods this morning and we guessed he picked and ate the wrong class of mushrooms.
If I had to choose between breathing and loving you, I'd take my last breath to say "I Love You".
Q: How do mummies hide?
A: They use masking tape
My wife was a bit down so I decided to redecorate our living room.
Thought it would chair her up but sofa she haven't even noticed
It’s so hot you need a spatula to remove your clothing.
"I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number ou get in a diamond"- Mae West
“This crisp winter air is full of it.” – John Burroughs
Hey, babe. I think it's time we take our relationship to the previous level.
Q. What do you call gorillaS who just monkey around at the gym?
A. Buff-oons
I'll fight you with my bear hands.
Oh, deer.
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
The police hung up the phone call when I informed them about a murder in my front yard. They said they could not do anything regarding the crows.
What does a gingerbread man put on his bed?
A cookie sheet!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Bruce
Bruce who?
I Bruce easily, don't hit me!
What game do some skiers like to play on the road trip to the slopes?
Ice Spy With My Little Ice.
From the b-autumn of my heart, I love fall!
The old and wise onion had once told me that life is similar to onions. Whenever we peel off our protective layers, we end up crying.
It’s so hot, when the temperature drops below 95 I start to feel chilly.
On Mother's Day we went strawberry picking and made a jam from the fruits of our labor.
Why did the leaf go to the doctor? It was feeling green!
Scissors sizzle, thistles sizzle.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
What are sophisticated realtors known for?
Constantly telling you all about proper tea.
It’s so cold pickpockets are sticking their hands in strangers’ pockets just to keep them warm.
H20 is water, but what is H204?
It’s for swimming and drinking, of course.
My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me any time you want to.
There’s no trick in these pants.
Why these days, the Moon is up till so late? Don’t worry, it is just going through a phase.
Why do flamingos make bad pets? They are too much of a birden.
What did the nectarine say after the church service? The peacher gave a great sermon!
An unlucky skydiver's last pun: 'Ah chute!'
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris.
After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
My friend can't afford expensive art, she has no Monet.
Why are goldfish orange?
The water makes them rusty.
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
I was under the blues, so I had to blue my nose occasionally.
French history is nothing to Lafayette at.
"I'd walk through fire for my best friend. Well, not fire, that would be dangerous. But a super humid room... but not too humid because, you know... my hair."
— Unknown