You knead me in your loaf.
There was an Old Person of Leeds,
Whose head was infested with beads;
She sat on a stool,
And ate gooseberry fool,
Which agreed with that person of Leeds.
What does an artist call his sketch pad? A house.
How can you tell when a polar bear is moving?
There’s a “fur sale” sign in the yard.
Dad fertilized the garden with corn starch.
The plot thickens.
---
What do you call mountain climbing corn?
Mountain-ears.
I recently heard on the news that due to newly detected fungus infection in the onions, the government was recalling all the recent packages of the vegetables. Despite being a farmer, I had no tears to shed over this.
Why is the nose in the middle of the face?
Because it's the scenter.
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius…
But his brother Frank was a monster.
An arrogant gazelle walks up to a bunch of lions and tells them how much better he is than them.
He was consumed by pride.
Why do fish live in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze.
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
“The thing about quotes from the Internet is that it is difficult to define their authenticity.”
-Abraham Lincoln, 1973
Honda is oldest car make in the world. It was mentioned in the bible!
"And the apostles were all in Accord"
“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” – Andy Stanley
What is the best toothpaste for the brain?
Neural crest.
At a recent job interview, the hiring manager
asked me if I can perform under pressure.
I said: "No, but I can do Bohemian Rhapsody."
The watermelon plant didn’t like sharing a garden with passion vines; but they started to grow on him.
What are the longest lasting relationships in the fruit world? Orange-d marriages.
What do you can a kangaroo covered in tape?
Hopscotch
They say Disney World is the happiest place on earth, obviously, they haven't been in your arms.
What did the oreo cookie say to his filling? You’re my butter half.
How did the hotdog overcome his fear of ketchup? He mustered up the courage.
I have an idea for a chain of Elvis steak houses.
It will be for people who love meat tender.
I loaf you a lot.
Let’s go to bread.
A bear walks into a bear and says, “I’ll have a pint of lager……….. and a packet of crisps.”
The bartender says, “Sure, but what’s with the big pause?”
The bear replies, “I dunno, I was born with them!”
Does your dad own a chocolate factory? Because you are as sweet as chocolate.
Flight allows flamingos to stay safe from predators. This is natural selection in action, and explains why flaminstays are extinct.
What does a kangaroo do when it gets Covid? Goes to the hop-spittle.
What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream? Depeche a la Mode.
What symbolizes a goat’s family tree?
A goat of arms.
What do you call an alligator that makes others fight?
An instigator.
Q. Which doe did all the stags and bucks sing about in the 1960s?
A. Deer Prudence.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his mother was a wafer so long! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
If you were a tear drop, I would never cry for the fear of losing you.
What did the alien say to the garden? Take me to your weeder.
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
Baby, the Millennium Falcon isn't the only thing that does it in less than 12 parsecs.
Why do realtors not buy houses near stables?
Because they will always be worried about their next-door neigh-bors!
When do vampires like horse racing?
When it's neck and neck.
Are you a sorcerer? Because everyone else vanishes when I look at you.
I told my kids that ketchup can go on anything.
You know, It’s the least condiment denominator.
The students were going nuts when they saw all the assignments due in the curri-kola-m.
The nut gave her boyfriend the kola shoulder for missing their date.
There is no theory of evolution.
Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
What do you call a T-Rex that gets into a fight with the Indominus Rex? Dino-sore.
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris undies.
"99 Dogs"
I saw two people heading off for a walk
with 99 dogs in a pack.
So, I asked them why they had so many dogs,
and they thought for a while and said back,
“We’ve tried having different numbers of dogs:
from a lot to hardly any.
The lesson we’ve learned is 98’s not enough
but 100 dogs is too many.”
What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”