“Welcome, winter. Your late dawns and chilled breath make me lazy, but I love you nonetheless. ” — Terri Guillemets
This April fools, I decided to swipe right on only the ugly people on Tinder and then burn them.
Still no matches.
How do you get yarn out of a snake?
Wait until it sheds its skein.
So I attended a salsa class today
The instructor says to everyone: "Alright folks, who's ready to learn how to dance??"
I realized that there was a misunderstanding, and ran off with my bag of tortilla chips.
"It's a hill. Get over it."
From a runner's T-shirt
Golf: a game where you yell fore, you get six, and you write five.
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
What do you call Chewbacca when you have chocolate stuck in your hair?
chocolate chip wookiee.
I just heard some coyotes outside. I don't want to sleep a lone wolf tonight.
What do you call it when you get a month’s worth of rain at once?
England.
Why did the hen lay her egg on the axe?
She wanted to hatchet.
When dad died he left me his Subaru.
It was his final Legacy.
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
I whale always love you.
Why did the cow go to space?
to get ice cream.
Did you know that fighting increases your risk of heart attack?
Because it's assault.
In the last peach race, I put $30 peach way on two new racers.
What does a meditating egg say?
Ohmmmmmmmlet.
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
Old astronomers got so tired of waiting for the sun to go down, that they decided to pack it up and call it a day.
"I am a leaf on the wind... in bed."
- Firefly
Why do you never see owls being affectionate in the rain? It's too wet to woo.
Did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?
Well, technically it’s only a murder if there’s probable caws.
What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.
I tried calling my fruit friend thrice, but could not peach him, as his phone was out of peach.
I was watching a chess champion vs a boxing champion match.
The chess player had a mean right rook!
There is a specific type of cats who love to go bowling. They are known as alley cats.
Did you hear a gnome's favorite sport is baseball?
They love to score gnome runs.
Would you describe yourself as a ternary? Because you have a lovely form.
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him What did Winnie The Pooh say to his agent? Show me the honey!
This rainbow is on its last legs, it's really hanging by a red.
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There would be mass confusion.
What did the mama elf say to her mischievous child?
“Stop elvesdropping on Santa!”
What did one beached whale say to the other beached whale?
Long time no sea.
What did the grilled cheese sandwich say to their date?
“You make me melt.”
Do you like sales? Because if you're looking for a good one, clothing is 100% off at my place.
What do Egyptian Pharaoh's and sandwich filling have in common?
They're both in bread.
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
"Teaching kids to count is fine, but teaching them what counts is best."
— Bob Talbert
Why is the corn army so dysfunctional?
Cause there are too many Kernels.
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
Why do math teachers love parks so much?
Because of all the natural logs.
Why did the fork feel kinky near the spoon?
Because it was a tease spoon.
Why didn’t the flower get a second date?
He was garden variety.
What do you give to a sick lemon?
lemonaid.
"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."
"Okay, we’re all like 90% happy and 10% sunburnt."
What did the leopard say after eating his owner? Man, that hit the "spot."
The mountain got promoted because he was at the peak of his career!