Why did the farmer hang raincoats all over his orchard? Someone told him he should get an apple Mac
What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.
Computers cannot make good boxers because their bark is worse than their byte.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Iona.
Iona who?
Iona new car!
Why do blondes take the pill? So they know what day of the week it is.
What did the baby corn call his dad?
Pop corn!
Knock knock!
Who’s there? Doughnut. Doughnut Who? Doughnut forget to close the door!
I'm planning on making an application that randomly closes the video game you are playing and opens a different one.
It's going to be a game changer.
I recently got a new job as a golf caddy, but I was fired after less than an hour.
The guy asked me for a sand wedge. I don't think he likes pickle.
My mom told me that life is like a deck of cards, so you must the be queen of hearts.
Will you Scarlett me take you out this weekend?
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Taking a bite and finding half a worm.
There is a higher chance of being struck by lightning than to be killed in a shark attack.
Shocking isn't it.
Whoa, Heaven must be missing an angel! Because you’re dead to me.
Why does Mr. Potato need a cell phone? Incase Mr. Onion Rings.
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature? Tequila mockingbird.
Do you wanna Ketchup over beer?
Milk does the body good, but damn how much did you drink?
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Did you hear about the flatmate who woke up to a spicy toothbrush? He had it cumin.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
What does a deer call her boyfriend?
Cari-boo.
There was an Old Person of Cromer,
Who stood on one leg to read Homer;
When he found he grew stiff,
He jumped over the cliff,
Which concluded that Person of Cromer.
I invented a new word today. Plagiarism.
Did you just swallow a magnet? Because I’m so attracted to you right now.
What is a parrot’s favorite game?
Beakaboo
My daughter told me COVID stinks and she misses her teacher...
I told her "I Ms. your teacher too."
Why did the pre-pubescent dragon lose the rap battle?
He couldn't spit hot fire yet.
Did you hear about the new book called "100 Miles to the Next Restroom"?
It's by Will E. Mayket and Betty Wunt.
My wife showed me two of her mother’s quilts and asked me which one I preferred.
I said, “I refuse to make blanket statements.”
"Granny"
Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)
All through the night, the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)
It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!
– Spike Milligan
What do fruit wear when they go swimming? A one-peach bathing suit.
My dog is sad after eating her favorite fruit and getting wet from the juice.
She's a watered melancholy watermelon collie.
For the first time, we are going to have a HAPPY Thanksgiving. This year, I am stuffing the turkey with Prozac!
My mother's mother lost her false teeth at the retirement home. We searched the place everywhere but couldn't find them.
We looked in every nook and granny!
Do you know what would happen when you throw a Finnish sailor into the ocean?
Helsinki.
What element comes from Norse mythology? Thorium.
What do you call a male witch?
Mitch
As the local drunk, I'm quite worried about the corona virus.
It's got potential tequila lot of people.
Which fish can perform operations?
A Sturgeon.
"My Sweet Aunt Mabel"
There is my sweet Aunt Mabel
sitting across the table
ever since her divorce
she eats like a horse
so we put her up in a stable.
– Michael Wise
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
"Little Boy Blue"
Little Boy Blue, please cover your nose.
You sneezed on Miss Muffet and ruined her clothes.
You sprayed Mother Hubbard, and now she is sick.
You put out the fire on Jack’s candlestick.
Your sneeze is the reason why Humpty fell down.
You drenched Yankee Doodle when he came to town.
The blind mice are angry! The sheep are upset!
From now on, use a tissue so no one gets wet!
– Darren Sardelli
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
I want to practice my forehand outside, but it will be wet in the morning and nice later on. So here’s the plan for today: inside-out.
You will always have
a pizza of my heart.
Not everyone looks good with a wig
But I think you could really pull it off.
Sorry, could you turn it down a little please? Your smile is really lighting up the whole room.
Vogue just called; they want to put you on the cover.