How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it, and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
"You're not Mr. Right.... just Mr. Right Now."
Why did the sloth get fired from his job? He would only do the BEAR minimum.
It's not that I don't want to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
A pilot friend of mine took the flight exam and flew past a rainbow. No wonder, he passed with flying colors.
Which Habs great once worked as a janitor? Broom-Broom Geoffrion.
I was surprised when I saw a boat in the driveway so I asked my wife about it.
She said there was a great sail.
“I’m giving thanks that we don’t have to go through this for another year.” — Adele Larson, “Home for the Holidays”
What's a pun's favorite love song?
"My Punny Valentine!"
When you cross a magician and an airplane, the result is a flying sorcerer.
Are you sitting on a candle? Because your booty is on fire.
"I’m so hot that I contribute to global warming."
What do you call a person who spends a lot of time sitting and staring at potatoes? A medi-tator.
How do rabbits travel? By hareplane.
"I am pretty sure that, if you will be quite honest, you will admit that a good rousing sneeze, one that tears open your collar and throws your hair into your eyes, is really one of life's sensational pleasures." - Robert Benchley
You are pitcher perfect.
My girlfriend said we aren't getting married until she has a pear shape
It's the reason we cantaloupe
What is a polar bear’s favorite food?
Iceberg lettuce and snow peas.
When the peach lost her mother, it left a deep pit in her heart.
The artist was great. He could always draw a crowd.
She sold six shabby sheared sheep on ship.
Why did the beaver cross the river? To get to the other side of the river.
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour.
So, when would you like to start?"
"In three months."
Why do old artists never die? They just withdraw.
Through three cheese trees three free fleas flew.
While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew.
Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze.
Freezy trees made these trees' cheese freeze.
That's what made these three free fleas sneeze.
What is the favorite punk band of onions? It is a band known as "Good Shallot"!
I'm not gay but I'll learn.
It’s so cold pickpockets are sticking their hands in strangers’ pockets just to keep them warm.
It's so hot, I saw a guy with a sign that said, "Will work for shade."
My teen daughter was sent home from school for covid exposure.....
She’s now my quaranteen.
Why did the donut go to a therapist?
He felt empty inside.
I told my friend a tree pun.
He was stumped.
"If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym?"
- Dave Attell
Her ex-husband had a heart attack after winning the lottery
But he'd neglected to update his will. She just couldn't bereave her luck!
A place under Government
Was all that Paddy wanted.
He married soon a scolding wife,
And thus his wish was granted.
(Anonymous)
After the rain has cleared and the sun comes out, rainbows are so quick to appear they'll red like wildfire.
How do you describe an onion which is in its early stages after birth? You say it is in its onion-ic period of its life.
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.
Don't get tide-up in sorrows, you will only cry a river.
2 flies are playing soccer on a plate.
One says to the other "you'd better pick up your game Louie, we're playing in the cup tomorrow".
Why did the computer go to the doctor? Because it had a virus!
When I was young, my dad used to throw quarters at my head whenever I acted up.
He said, “Maybe this’ll knock some scents into you.”
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
Did you hear about the egg laden rabbit who jumps off bridges? He’s the Easter Bungee!
What did the arrogant pickle say?
I'm kind of a big dill.
Why is Christmas just like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
What do you call a painting by a cat of herself? A self paw-trait.
How did the nut study for its test?
It used the inter-nut.
Dang girl, are you an angel? Because you are dead to me.
Why are flamingos the happiest birds? They live with no reggrets.