I got my paycheck with a lemon slice on it today...
turned out my ex-wife was garnishing my wages.
I once knew an arrogant sponge.
He was very self absorbed
How hot does your gas oven get?
How much ground would a groundhog hog, if a groundhog could hog ground? A groundhog would hog all the ground he could hog, if a groundhog could hog ground.
Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!"
Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
You’re the only (cutie) pie I need.
What do you call a guy who never farts in public? A private tutor.
Baby, you make all my binary search trees balance.
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
What happened to the wolf that fell into the washing machine?
It became a wash and wearwolf.
What do you call a Pig with three eyes?
Piiig.
"A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it."
- John Steinbeck
It’s so cold my mail shattered when I tried to open it.
When is a turkey scary?
When it's a goblin.
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
What do Russians call a bad WiFi connection?
Inter-NIET
Hey, are you Cinderella because I see that dress disappearing at midnight.
What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus!
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!
What do you call a pine-nut in an apple costume? A pine-apple.
A fellow jumped off a high wall,
And had a most terrible fall.
He went back to bed,
With a bump on his head,
That's why you don't jump off a wall.
“Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
How will you come to know when the moon will go broke? It would happen when moon is down to its last quarter.
“Monday I shall slay thee with my mighty cup of coffee.”
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
Recently I visited Germany. I hated everything in there. The people, the history, the language. But, oh god, the smell.
It was the wurst.
Back in the early 2010s, the peach children loved to flock around to listen to Peach Pit.
My race time today was much better than yesterday. I was in a whole different gear.
Why don’t giraffes do drugs?
Because they’re naturally high.
I almost got in trouble because I tried to talk to someone in the same room as me over the phone...
...It was a close call.
Why does Foghorn Leghorn take it slow when April rolls around?
Because he’s no spring chicken!
What did the dinosaur ask his pet dog when he wanted afternoon tea with him?
Do you want some tea, Rex?
In ancient Egypt, how did insects communicate?
Pharaoh moans
What do you call a witch who drives badly?
A road hag.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m allergic to flowers,
Achoo!
"Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo."
- Al Gore
In Spain, you should not develop a program beyond 2.0.
Because that would be over dos.
"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary."
~ Vince Lombardi
Why did the little girl color her paper heart pink rather than red?
She was feeling lighthearted.
What do you get if you cross a grizzly bear and a harp?
A bear-faced lyre.
"Everybody makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when no one is looking."
~ Anonymous
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with boobs?
One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.
Why didn’t the peach do well on its ACT? Because when it comes to education, it only gets a little STEM.
What happens to a nervous nut?
It cracks.
Why is it a bad idea to give a cow marijuana?
The steaks are too high.
"Older people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get." —Robert Orben
What do you call a skull without 86 billion neurons?
A no brainer.
What is suns favorite chocolate bar?
A milky way.
A strawberry usually needs batteries when it runs out of juice.