"Wine a little, laugh a lot."
What do you call an 'O' on fire?
Flamingo.
“Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives.”
- Oscar Wilde
Whenever I feel like wining, I remind myself to put a cork in it.
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.
If fish lived on land, in which country would they live? Finland.
It's so cold that the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses.
What is the left side of an apple? The part that you don't eat.
Q: When does a doctor get mad?
A: When he runs out of patients!
What did the nerdy duckling say ?
Quark Quark.
Readers do it by the book.
I walked past Mozart's grave.
He was sitting up, shouting "Braaiinnss" and ripping up all his music.
I guess he's a decomposer now.
What did the snail say to the other who had hit him and run off? I'll get you next slime!
What do you call a toddler running towards their mother with arms high up in the air?
A quick pick-me-up.
Purple paper people, purple paper people, purple paper people.
Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
Why are ghouls so healthy?
They always eat fresh food!
As I only have two factors, I’m the prime candidate for you.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
You can’t possibly play soccer in the amazon jungle because there are far too many cheetahs.
Why couldn’t the old cat see? He suffered from car-aracts
We’re not socks, but we make an excellent pair.
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
You are my loop condition. I keep coming back to you.
An Iranian entrepreneur opened a copy shop.
It's called *Prints of Persia*.
I just won local "Worst Body Odor Contest".
No one else came close.
What happens to romantic trees on Valentine’s Day? They get all sappy.
“Mondays are mundane, like Tuesdays minus 24 hours.”
— Jarod Kintz
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
The difference between a GEEK and a NERD.
Geek: "May the force be with you!"
Nerd: "May the force be equal to the mass multiplied by acceleration."
"
What are the two most profane bones in the human body?
The blasfemurs.
What do you call a perfume that missed its deadline?
Eau de too late.
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
Tesla just announced they’ll be including a bottle of their new cologne now with every car sold
It’s called Elon’s Musk
I’ve been meaning to make a list of bad railroad puns…but I keep getting side tracked.
“Maybe Monday doesn’t like you either.”
What do you call an unpredictable, out of control photographer? A loose Canon.
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
Why did the aspen date the poplar? She really found him to be in-tree-guing.
What did the irritated crow said to his fried?
I won't talk to you if you don’t stop ravening.
Where did the hamsters invade the beaver colony? Hamsterdam.
Baseball Fan: Have you ever seen a line drive?
Blond Baseball Fan: No, but I have seen a baseball park.
What do you get when you put Cola in an oven?
Baking soda.
How do baseball players stay in contact with each other?
They touch base every once in a while.
Oscar Wilde
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas."
How did the electrician pay for his new phone?
He charged it.
Did you hear the story of the little ghoul that grew up?
It became a headhunter!
Which car does the Mensa student drive?
A Smart car.
You must be Australian because you've turned my life upside-down.
My love for you is like cancer, it just keeps growing and growing.