“I’m a Capricorn and I’m mad loyal — mad loyal! — and I will always look for the good in people.”
— Jeannie Mai
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Amanda
Amanda who?
A man da fix your sink!
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
If a star fell every time I thought of you, the sky would be dark at night.
What is a dog’s favorite coordinates?
K9.
If I could change the periodic table, I would put Uranium and Iodine next to each other.
Why was the snake mad at the jewel thief?
Because he wanted his diamondback.
What do you call a group of crows who see food?
A tempted murder.
Why is marriage like a nice suit? At first it's a perfect fit, but after a while you need alterations.
You must be regulated by the FDA because you treat, cure, and prevent my broken heart.
Are you a unicorn cause you are my fantasy.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
Next time you’re feeling down, just remember: your plants are rooting for you. Literally!
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
Soft fruits make really supportive parents. Whenever their youngsters fail at something, they just smile and say “Have another bite at the cherry.”
"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown
I told the cowboy to eat salad with his fingers
He said he needed a ranch hand.
I told the doctor I was deaf in my left ear he said 'are you sure?'
Then I said 'I'm definite."
There was a Young Lady of Tyre,
Who swept the loud chords of a lyre;
At the sound of each sweep
She enraptured the deep,
And enchanted the city of Tyre.
What did the gardeners say when he discovered nasty weeds in his garden?
I have spotted spurge!
How do you get more bounce in a water bed?
Put some spring water in it
Are you an alien because you abducted my heart long ago.
One of the punny pig names for a pig that loves Shakespeare is Hamlet.
Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So when they come back to port they can scandinavian.
What do you get when you cross a tortoise and a llama?
A turtle-neck sweater.
What do you call it when a sloth eats a second plate of food?
Slothy seconds
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
"I think you should embrace the change, son"
Said my father as he handed me a handful of coins.
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
How did the hotdog ask the ketchup out?
He mustard up the courage.
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
You wanna know how I remember every poop I take?
I keep a log.
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
Having rumpled clothing is a pressing issue, but I am sure that I can iron out a solution.
I told my friend that our old school friend is coming to attend St Patrick's feast. She was surprised. She asked, "O'Reilly?"
What do you call a small, two winged insect resembling a mosquito that likes to keep the peace?
A diplognat!
What does a chocolate crow say? “Cacao!”
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
What do you call a small turd?
A dumpling.
Cows will never make the police force because they simply refuse to go on steak-outs.
Did you know there’s an app for corn growers?
It’s made in Sili-corn Valley!
What is the most affordable type of meat? Deer, it is always under a buck a pound.
I almost had a predicament trying to call someone in the same room as me. It was a close call.
Dear Turkey, don't worry... they only love us for our breasts too. Sincerely, all women.
What was the ice cream cone’s naughty pick up line?
Wanna lick me?
My wireless keyboard isn't working
I guess I need to re-pair it.
Why does the little mermaid wear sea shells?
Cause B-shells are too small, and D- shells are too big.
my buddy’s sad after getting fired from taco bell, so being a caring friend i asked if he wanted to
taco bout it?