What’s the easiest shot in golf?
Your fourth putt.

My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.

What do you call a royal goat wearing denim?
Billy Jean King.

Why do cows think cooks are mean?
They whip cream.

How does the Pope dry his hands?
He uses a Papal towel.

An electrician needed to change 8 fluorescent lamps to brighten up a large conference room at our office. I asked him if he needed a hand carrying them.
He said no, this is light.

What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission

A balding magician had an act where he'd put a rabbit on his head and make it disappear...
The hare vanished into thin hair.

What type of flowers does everybody have? two-lips.

I'm Sneaky Bill, I'm terrible and mean and vicious,
I steal all the cashews
from the mixed-nut dishes.
I eat all the icing but I won't touch the cake,
And what you won't give me,
I'll go ahead and take.
I gobble up the cherries from everyone's drinks,
And whenever there are sausages
I grab a dozen links;
I take both drumsticks if
there's turkey or chicken,
And the biggest strawberries
are what I'm pickin';
I make sure I get the finest chop on the plate,
And I'll eat the portions of anyone's who's late.
I'm always on the spot before the dinner bell--
I guess I'm pretty awful
but
I
do
eat
well!

(William Cole)

She saw Sharif’s shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure those were Sharif’s shoes she saw?

I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.

What do you call Dragon with no silver?
A dron.
---
You think dinosaurs are scary?
Imagine dragons!

"I want to live in the world where searching for plane tickets burns calories."

When did the dentist develop tooth pain?
Tooth-hurty!

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Brown is the color
Of elephant poo.

Me and my ears hate badminton so much
It's making a racket.

I told my kids that ketchup can go on anything.
You know, It’s the least condiment denominator.

How does Frankenstein speak?
Frankly.

“The light made the snowballs look yellow. Or at least I hoped that was the cause.” — Gary D. Schmidt

Started reading a book called “The Pirate’s Wrist”
I’m hooked.

I just found out that Mercedes is donating state-of-the-art street sweepers to some of the largest cities around the world to help fight littering.
They're calling it Mercedes-clenz.

What kind of music do elves listen to?
Wrap music.

What did the banker want from the baker?
To pump her nickels.

Eggs - the original boneless chicken.

After a tiring day at work, my wife drew me a relaxing bath. It wasn't very smart of me to ask if it was going to be in color or a sketch.

Are you one of Job's daughters?
Because you're twice as beautiful as any other girl I've ever seen.

Which book will be preferred by a man who sells milk? Cream and Punishment.

After completing the deadline just in the nick of time, the artist breathed a cyan of relief.

Did you know cutlery scams require the most patience?
You've got to play the long prong.

“A pizza slice a day keeps sadness away.”
― Jet Paacal

I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"

I goat this.

“A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.”—Helen Thomson

What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.

What’s a skeleton’s second favorite instrument?
A sax-a-bone.

“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”

Repeat this as many times as you get rejected until you get the number. Works like a charm.

Why do cows eat grass?
I mean, someone has to moo the lawn.

I think we Anthon-eed to get to know each other soon

I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence

It’s so cold I walk to school with a toaster in my pants.

My son asked me, what’s a Greek urn?
I said, “about 20 drachmas a day.”

The difference between a GEEK and a NERD.

Geek: "May the force be with you!"
Nerd: "May the force be equal to the mass multiplied by acceleration."
"

What's green and got two wheels?
A motorpickle.

“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blonde to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.

“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”

- Jim Gaffigan.

Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.

Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!

Doctor 2: No, it is.

“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.

In Italy there is a group pf moms creating soft cheese...
They brand themselves as MOMzarella.