What do you call a dog that’s been left outside in the cold?
A chili dog.
Did you hear about the 2 apes that kept fighting with each other?
It was gorilla warfare.
If I kissed you on one cheek, would you turn the other?
Fork: "Who was that ladle I saw you with last night?"
Spoon: "That was no ladle. That was my knife."
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
I left my job at the keyboard factory today. To be honest, I had been looking for an Escape for a while.
Why don't aliens get hungry after being blasted into space?
Because they've just had a big launch.
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
I “lub” you.
The chicken got sent off in the middle of the match because of their persistent fowl play.
“This is the first year I’m not going to Fiji because of COVID-19. Normally, I do not go because I am poor.”
— Brooke Miller
What do you call an avocado after a priest blesses it?
Holy guacamole.
I tried to phone the spiritual leader of Tibet once, but I was sent a big goat with a long neck instead.
I must have phoned Dial-a-Llama by mistake.
No one understands me when i say I like to paint peas in a cage.
I don’t what is so hard about it. I’m a trapped peas artist.
Every time I passed a ring-shaped coral reef with a coral rim that encircles a lagoon, I had to pay a fee. It was atoll.
The game of golf is 90-percent mental…
And 10-percent mental.
Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious,
shove a foreign object up my butt and film the whole thing!
Or as my doctor insists on calling it... a colonoscopy
Did you hear about the guy whose spouse was hit by lightning?
His entire wife flashed before his eyes.
Is your iPad making you fall asleep?
I can help—there’s a nap for that.
I invented beach footwear for people with one leg.
It was a flop.
"Fun"
I love to hear a lobster laugh,
Or see a turtle wiggle,
Or poke a hippopotamus
And see the monster giggle,
Or even stand around at night
And watch the mountains wriggle.
– Leroy F. Jackson
Why did Wonder Woman rescue the Wine?
Because that's what grape lady superheroes do!
"Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to go shopping." ~ Bo Derek
“In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women.” –Tony Montana (Al Pacino) Scarface
I accidentally went to bed with my contact lenses in the other night.
My dreams have never been clearer.
I'm out bird watching with Sinead O'Connor....
so far it´s been 7 owls and 15 jays.
Cold showers are the best...
...Once you warm up to them
"Take the admission to the gym to avoid the admission to the hospital."
- Amit Kalantri
Q: Where can a tornado be jailed?
A: In a high pressure cell.
What do you call children who are born in a whorehouse?
Brothel sprouts.
Why did the strangers walk out onto the frozen pond?
My mate Gavin passed away from heartburn last week.
Still can’t believe Gaviscon
That's a nice dress — where's the rest of it?
Did you know they didn't have smart phones in ancient Rome?
They had tablets.
I was just curious? Are you as good as all the guys say you are?
How is Big Foot so good at rock climbing?
He always finds the biggest footholds.
What’s a werewolf’s favorite nighttime story?
A hairy tail!
My wife came home with a bunch of spring flowers and asked where I'd like her to put them.
I said, " I'll tell you where you can plant your tulips."
Why did the person throw their computer cabinet in the air?
They wanted to store it in the cloud.
I don't know what Dracula's address is, but I'm pretty sure he lives on a dead end street.
Went to a game with my dad today and as we were standing up to sing, the veteran in him kicked in and he began tearing up. I said to him, "You know, technically, national anthems are just…
…country music."
How do you save a drowning mouse ?
Use mouse to mouse resuscitation !
Seven slick slimey snakes slowly sliding southward.
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?” I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”
– Steven Wright
Hey, are you Cinderella because I see that dress disappearing at midnight.
I know Benjamin Franklin.
If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? H2O cubed.
The garden where only white cars are driven can be called a garden of white carnation.
Why did the two 4's skip lunch? They already 8 (ate).
Have you ever tried kangaroo meat? I have. It was tasty, but it made me a bit jumpy.