You must be French, because you're looking really Nice tonight.

What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck!

If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Arfur.
Arfur who?
Arfur got!

Where my prose at?

Why was the dog such a good storyteller?
Because he knew how to paws for dramatic effect.

"A Parent’s Prayer"

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I’m pretty sure I’ll lose my mind.

I pray I find a little quiet,
Far from the daily family riot.
May I lie back and not have to think
About what they’re stuffing down the sink,

Or who they’re with, or where they’re at
And what they’re doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)

To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish–dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)

And that I need not cook or clean
(well heck, I’ve got the right to dream)
Yes, now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,

But as I look around I know,
I must have lost them long ago!

– David Axton

"Money is like a sixth sense – and you can’t make use of the other five without it." ~ William Somerset Maugham

Crossbows are great, but they have their drawbacks.

What do dinosaurs have that no other animals have? Baby Dinosaurs.

There was a fight at the fish restaurant last night.
Two haddock got battered.

Why are dogwood trees amazing pets? They have a great bark and a wooden bite.

"Don’t believe everything you think."
Anonymous

It’s party thyme.

My wife and I went to a turtle pun class yesterday.
It tortoise nothing.

If you can’t decide which side to take to Thanksgiving.
Bringing your side piece is guarenteed to cause drama.

You're my purr-son.

My wife refused to go to a nude beach with me
I can't believe she is so clothes-minded.

My Gladiator DVD stopped working...
Talk about an *epic* fail.

How does a vampire make tea? With a used tampon.

Why do crabs never give to charity?
Because they’re shellfish.

Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide? He didn't even leave a note.

Cute dog in your pics! Can I have his number?

Let’s act like we’re a couple of colonists and do a few intolerable acts together.

Are you the morning bus?
'Cause i always miss you...

Did you hear about the B I V G R O Y rainbow?
The poor thing has a deviated spectrum.

Who granted the fish’s wish?
The fairy cod mother!

What currency do fruit use to make purchases?
Banana bread!

“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.”
George Burns

What do you call half of a centaur?
A per-centaur.

The Leaning Tower of Pisa is in Italy
So it’s italicized!

My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.

Did you hear about the mother who gave birth to her baby while she was in the sky?
I guess you can say the baby was airborne

What is a snake’s favorite subject in school?
Hisstory.

I bought a lamp for my friend
To brighten their day

‪My kid’s toy submarine was having trouble staying under water...‬
‪I hope this will not surface again‬

What happened to the man who turned into a pistachio?
He became a shell of who he once was.

A person without arms and a knife in their mouth is still technically armed,
but only to the teeth.

Did you hear about the zygote that joined the army?
I heard he was diploid.

Your earrings are the mirrors that reflect the moonlight into your eyes.

“Thanksgiving is a lot like Christmas, except you don’t get any presents for holding in your familial rage.” -Unknown

What music are balloons scared of? Pop music

What do you call an English rock band playing in the mist? Foghat.

“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper

A doctor walked into an exam room to see a patient with carrots sticking out his ears and broccoli up his nose.
The doctor said: “I can tell right away that you haven't been eating properly."

What type of mushrooms can you put on a jacket? Button mushrooms.

Oxygen went on a date with potassium last night.
It went OK.

My mom always told me I wouldn't accomplish anything by lying in bed all day.
But look at me now, I'm saving the world.

What did the cheese say after escaping the mouse? I'm Brieeee!

Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.