Why didn't the lemon juice like the soap?
Because he was basic.

Are you a pranayama teacher? Because you just took my breath away.

What do you call a chair in a suit?
A tuxSEATo

Rory the warrior and Roger the worrier were reared wrongly in a rural brewery.

One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"

"Is taco yoga a thing yet? Someone get on that."

- Chisty Lowe

It’s allergy season again?! You’ve got to be pollen my leg.

So a guy buys a PlayStation and starts an EA game.
Pay just $9.99 to unlock the rest of this joke!

“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'

I'd cut the grass but it's against the lawn.

You're the ruler of my heart.

“Let a man walk ten miles steadily on a hot summer’s day along a dusty English road, and he will soon discover why beer was invented.”
- Gilbert K. Chesterton

"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball

What was the horse’s best ballroom dance? The Foxtrot.

Which fish can perform operations?
A Sturgeon.

I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.

What's a nervous person's favorite drink?
Insecuri tea!

It’s so cold that even the ATM shows minus.

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.

I find that the quickest way to man's heart
is with a very very sharp knife.

The mummy caught a really bad cold. He cannot stop coffin.

What did the annoyed peach say to the mango?
Man-go away!

Your pheromones are driving me wild.

“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell

The beavers avoid going deep-diving now. They saw one beaver hitting rock bottom.

Did you hear about the butcher who sat on his bacon slicer?
He got a little behind in his deliveries.

"Do I love you? My god, if your love were a grain of sand, mine would be a universe of beaches."
— William Goldman, The Princess Bride

As autumn came, the leaves started greeting each other by saying, "Hay there!"

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Jules Renard

Why does the yogi meditate under the citrus tree?
Because it’s a sub-lime spot.

There’s a rumor going ‘round it’s my birthday today;
they say that I’m seventy years old..…no way.
too many candles to light,
it would take into the night.
When did I suddenly turn old and grey.

Some say I’m an old man and not too smart,
but I say don’t put the horse behind the cart;
‘cause age is just a number
not something to encumber,
and this old man is still young at heart.

They say I’m too indecisive to be a tennis umpire
but I still haven’t ruled it out.

My friend said, "I bought a parrot for my son that has red and blue feathers."
I said, "Your son must look very strange."

“Until you’ve learned to drive, you’ve never really learned how to swear.”
— Robert Paul

Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.

When does Oliver Stone eat ice cream? Any Given Sundae.

What did the zero say to the eight?
Nice belt!

Little Johnny was crying one day, and his dad asked him why.
'I've lost five dollars,' sobbed Johnny.
'Don't worry,' said his dad kindly.'
Here's five more for you,' At this Johnny howled louder than ever.
'Now what is it ?' asked his dad.
'I wish I'd said I'd lost ten dollars!'

Are you a model?

How do you know flowers are friendly?
They always have new buds!

My wife hates the colour of her hair...
She's dyeing to change it.

"Grandma's On The Dancefloor"

Grandma's on the dancefloor
Shaking what she's got.
If it don't shake, it wobbles,
And boy, does it wobble a lot.

The old moves don't come easy
Even though she's got new hips.
She swings them almost freely now,
And you can barely hear them click.

Grandad's in the corner,
Sipping on his beer.
Will he shake his booty?
My Grandad - No fear!

Grandma means the world to him,
And he's her Mr. Right.
He's the one who'll walk her home,
The one she'll kiss goodnight.

My sister just got married,
And the party's in full sway.
She's hand in hand with Grandma
Twisting the night away.

Sister pulls Gran closer
To make sure that she's listening.
Then Grandma stops and shouts aloud
"We're going to have a Christening."

– Graham Craven

Are you a banana because I find you a peeling.

How did the witch feel about using her broom to do housework?
She bristled at the suggestion!

I was she-shocked when my pet turtle died.

What happened when the ice monster had a furious row with Frankenstein?
He gave him the cold shoulder!

What do you call two days of rain in a row in Seattle?
The weekend.

If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

I had gradient expectations on him of being a good artist, but it was all in vain!

Of all the planets in all the solar systems in all the galaxies, I'm so lucky you walked into mine